Tag Archives: Maude

The Glow of Being New


My sister recently rescued a puppy she found injured and barking outside a McDonald’s in Atlanta. I suggested she name him Big Mac. But then I realized: I didn’t know if he was a he.

And after seeing the video, I’m thinking I should have suggested Hamburglar. He bounces with the same mischievous energy. That near-criminal curiosity.

And then there’s that bound, as distinctive as a chromosome. What is it that puppies have? That little leap that seems to come from simply having so much energy the only solution is to jump UPWARD. Regardless of what you call the dance, it’s a step that celebrates life. Perhaps one we should emulate. Perhaps, especially, now.

So, look out, unwitting Ralph’s shoppers. A middle aged man infected by a dog’s exuberance at existing may suddenly bound in the cereal aisle.

No need to call security.

A snausage should do just find.

Now, factslap, bitches:

  • Wealthy ancient Egyptians slept with neck supports rather than pillows to preserve their hairstyles. 
  • The average inmate in Alcatraz read 75-100 books a year.
  • The most disproportionately common physical injury diagnosis in New York is “knee injury.”
  • During the American Civil War, free black woman Mary Bowser took a job as a servant in the Confederate White House and served as a Union spy.
  • Vatican City is one of six countries worldwide that ban abortion completely, even if the mother’s life is in danger.
  • Saint Drogo is the Catholic Church’s patron saint of those whom others find repulsive, unattractive people, cattle, coffee house owners and deaf people.
  • The British Standards Institution has a 5,000 word report on the correct way to make a cup of tea.
  • In Slovakia, using the names Britain or Great Britain instead of the United Kingdom can land you with a €6,600 fine.



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Of a Feather


My sister told me on Mother’s Day that I was going to be a father.

Wait. That sounds awfully hillbilly-esque. Let me rephrase. In May, Caroline told me that birds were constructing a nest on my back patio.

I was surprised to hear. Normally Esme stands pretty firm in her patrol of the house, which she considers her own and rules like a plump matriarch.

One rainy evening, as I was showering, I heard Esme and Teddy sniffing around in the bathroom. When I opened the shower, I found a possum, corpse-like in the doorway. I grabbed a towel, peered down at the little fella — he looked like a baby, which routinely get separated from their moms in storms — and figured Esme killed it and brought it in to play fetch.

Or he could be playing, well, you know.

Adorned in only a towel, I leapt over the rodent to exit, certain it would startle, jump up and bite me in the slats. It didn’t, but after opening all the doors and heading to the garage for a shovel, I returned to find him gone. Mom taught him well. I never saw him again, despite a room-to-room sweep with Esme. I did, however, load the BB gun, just in case an angry mom returns for her child. possum

Weirder things have happened. Los Angeles moonlights as Los Fauna.

I once saw a rooster in my backyard. My next door neighbor claims to have found mountain lion scat on his roof. A backyard woodpecker I’ve named Plastics starts rapping about 5:30  a.m., the front yard mockingbirds earlier (now that’s Tweeting, bitches). A coyote ate a friend’s cat. Esme’s never been fond of crows, and shoos ravens the size of ostriches.

But the nest changed things.

It’s in a seemingly ideal spot: A crevice under the patio awning, out of reach of the ambulatory and sight of the migratory. Safe from crows and roosters and mountain lions and ostriches and possums. Always shaded.

The tenants are unremarkable. Sparrows as beige as blandness, small and missable. sparrow But once they moved in, I began paying attention. And Esme lost her aggression.

I spy them from the spa. They perch on the awning, eyeing a backyard that must teem with life unseen. I watch them dive bomb, quick and silent. If they catch an insect or crumb, they fly under the awning to gack into their kids’ mouths. They’ve even begun stopping at the dogs’ water dish for a sip.

And Esme doesn’t stir. Or even perk her ears. I think she’s had a Maude moment of enlightenment: “Dreyfus once wrote from Devil’s Island that he would see the most glorious birds. Many years later in Brittany he realized they had only been seagulls. For me they will always be glorious birds.”


I know fall is coming. You can feel it at night, that approach of stillness. Soon, the nest will be gone.

I will miss the sparrows. Maybe the dogs will, too. If they’re reading, chirptweettweetchirp (translation: “You are officially invited to move in and stay forever.”).

It’s funny, when you drop your guard, how easy it is to take another’s cause as your own.



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