“Only don’t tell me you’re innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and makes me very angry.”


Man, Donald Trump must suck at movie trivia.

He clearly doesn’t remember much of The Godfather II.  The series has provided reams of classic quotes in film lore, including making offers that cannot be refused. In the sequel, Michael Corleone gave one as equally memorable:

“My father taught me many things here. He taught me in this room. He taught me: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” (While some scholars attribute an abridged version to the Chinese general Sun Tzu in the sixth century BC, there are no published sources yet found which predate its use in Francis Ford Coppola’s 1974 script).

Somehow, this is what Trump heard:

“My father teached me a lot, like to make close enemies of your friends.”

How else to explain his latest case of Tweetarrhea, a particularly severe bout of the intellectual runs? Over the weekend, he managed to pound yet another nail in the coffin of his relationship with law enforcement — and insult the intelligence of the kids of Parkland.

In one tweet.

This is it:

“Very sad that the FBI missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida school shooter,” the pumpkin-in-chief wrote. “This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove Russian collusion with the Trump campaign – there is no collusion. Get back to the basics and me us all proud!”

You gotta hand it to the guy: He may be the most concise insulter in the history of American politics.

But how does he pick his targets (outside of race and gender)? The only thing more mysterious than his tweets (and grammar) are his cross-hairs, which currently have a bead on Robert Mueller and shot kids.

Both tacks are, at best, bewildering. Mueller made a brilliant counter-punch on Friday with his indictment of 13 Russians for election meddling — and publicly stating that  no Americans were implicated in this set of indictments. Trump took the bait, conceding the meddling but maintaining his distance from it.

This is Mueller is keeping you closer, chump.

The second target is even more mystifying. You’re trying to convince internet-savvy teens that blame lies at the feet of cops? Kids may do stupid things, but that doesn’t make them stupid. Even Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA, had to be shaking his head at Trump’s rationalization. Particularly when he heard the words of Cameron Kasky, a Parkland student who lived through the massacre — and is helping organize a March for Our Lives protest calling for gun control.

“This isn’t about the GOP,” he told reporters Sunday. “This isn’t about the Democrats. This is about us creating a badge of shame for any politicians who are accepting money from the NRA and using us as collateral.”


Careful picking on the intelligent, Donnie. They have the best words.

Oh, and a helpful reminder of The Godfather: Michael Corleone punched a cop and had to move to Italy to avoid prosecution.





Dear Mirriam (or Webster)


Dear dictionary people,

First off, thank you. You’re not like those punk bitches at Oxford Dictionary, who succumb to pressure annually to add new official words, which is like giving someone who can’t ride a bike your car keys; you’re over-arming.

Particularly now, when the world’s last remaining superpower is led by a man with a fourth-grade reading level (and I challenge him to a word-off with my first grade nephew). Last year, Oxford officially recognized “hangry,” an ad idea for Snickers candy bars.

So kudos for being selective. New words are necessary; annual publicity stunts are not. Thank you for being as fluid with language as it is with us.

In that spirit, I’d like to suggest some words that are not in your dictionary, but perhaps should be. Here are the words and their suggested definitions. And I swear, not one of them was inspired by a candy bar.

Philosophize (verb): To expound on a philosophy.

We have proselytize, theorize, realize. Why not for deeper thinking? And it’s much shorter than the accepted alternative.

Nonymous (adjective): To attribute a media story to a named source.

If anonymous is a word, like amoral, apolitical, asexual, etc., why is there no opposite?

Embering (verb): To burn red-hot after a flame dies down.

Example: “He may not have released new music recently, but he embered to the end.”

Fuckery (noun): A bureaucratic mess.

Self explanatory. When you’re asked for the fifth time to fill out a duplicate at the DMV, you’re experiencing governmental fuckery.

Kramer (verb): To barge in without knocking.

Example: “Did you see that video of the professor with the wild daughter? She Kramered the whole TV interview!”



There’s No Need to Fear, Underdogs and Factslaps are Here!

In honor of the national holiday, a pigskin-led Factslap edition:

  • According to a Wall Street Journal study in 2010 based on four broadcasts, a standard NFL game features just 10 minutes and 43 seconds of action. Commercials account for nearly 60 minutes of the three hour affairs. When the networks are showing the game, the bulk of the time is spent either on replays or shots of players huddling.
  • According to a 2009 Sports Illustrated article, about 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress, after just two years of retirement.
  • Larry Izzo of New England Patriots once had a bowel movement on the sideline and got the game ball for his trouble because he did it without anybody noticing.
  • NFL cheerleaders are only paid $50 a game.
  • The actress who plays Phyllis in The Office was once an NFL cheerleader.
  • About 9 out of 10 people with lupus are women.
  • Scientists discovered in 2015 that there are 8 times more trees on earth than previously thought (three trillion).
  • The speed of the wind has fallen by 60% in the last 30 years.
  • Despite spending half his career in the saddle, actor Clint Eastwood is allergic to horses.
  • People’s body temperature drops when they watch videos of other people putting their hands into cold water.
  • Instead of a Foreign Office, the Roman Empire had a “Bureau of Barbarians.”
  • A dozen camels were disqualified in 2018 from a Saudi beauty pageant for receiving Botox injections to make them more attractive.
  • President Trump asked the Guggenheim Museum to lend him a Van Gogh for the White House. Their counter-offer: a solid gold toilet.