Chapter VI: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Man, Mickey must be pissed.

Sure, there have been no confirmed cases of mice catching coronavirus. But America’s biggest sure took it on the chin the last couple months.

Consider: Its theme parks; closed. Its theatrical films; shuttered. It’s sports empire, ESPN and all its umbrella channels…well, unspeakable things happened to them. More on them in a second.

Last week, Disney was trading at $150 a share. This week, it’s going for $90. And if corona doesn’t magically evaporate in warm air, as Cpl. Bone Spurs predicts, and the virus plows into summer, Mickey may have to cut a bitch (tool up, Minnie).

But it’s hard to blame Disney investors for bailing ship. I pored over the ESPNs Sunday night lineup — normally the network’s biggest night — and these were the prime time shows they were promoting. Granted, it was ESPN 2. But that’s the network’s second biggest draw. They’d have had a sterling lineup for March Madness.

Alas, this is what we’re reduced to. The listing is in bold, the description in italics. Almost as interesting as the “sport” is the inherent knowledge these people spent many hours of their lives honing the craft. And legions follow them:

Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

The 46th Annual Cherry Pit-Spitting Competition from Eau Claire, Mich.

I watched a little of this; no matter the color of what you’re spitting, it still looks like you’re trying to hock a loogie across a room.

 

Professional Arm Wrestling Championship

From Dec. 9, 2006 in Uncasville, Conn.

Okay, this is a real sport. But what happened in 2006 that made it so interesting?

 

2019 Golden Tee World Championship

Highlighting and hard hitting moments from the 2019 World Championships, including nail-biting final matches between Mark Stenmark and newcomer Jared Decker.

This is a video golf game. I guess this must have been the Bird-Magic showdown of the  e-links.

 

2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

Contestants compete in Nintendo’s Tetris to decide the world champion.

Is this still a thing? Was 2018 the last hear it was played?

 

Dodgeball

“America’s Cup: Canada vs. United States”  USA faces off against Canada for the 2nd Americas Dodgeball Continental Cup.

Continental Cup is certainly a regal name for a sport that centers around taking a shot to the nads.

 

2019 Jelle’s Marble Runs

Teams compete in this highlight show of the 2019 championships of marble racing.

I’m sure Jelle has a lot of consultants, but it may want to reconsider “Marble Runs.” Sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s experiment gone horribly awry.

 

Slippery Stairs: College Tour

The latest group of contestants race to the top of the Slippery Stairs.

Sure, it’s fun. But you should check out Slippery Stairs: Nursing Home Showdown.

 

Dodge Juggle 3

Five jugglers running and juggling in hopes to keep their juggle alive as people throw dodgeballs at them to attempt to make them slip.

I desperately want to see this. If it’s part 3, you know it’s gotta be good! (Godfather, Matrix, Superman, Iron Man, Spider Man, X-Men, Pirates of the Caribbean, Terminator, Transformers)

Moxie Games 3

A collective event for a variety of avant-garde skills and sports ranging from combat juggling to martial arts volleyball, pool trick shot competitions and bottle flipping.

Combat juggling is avant-garde? Can I interest you in my new sport: javelin-catching?