Tag Archives: Disney

Open Letter to a Puppy, Chapter XII: An American Rescue



Dear Dodger, 

This is Scott, from the dog park. You may know me as Jadie and Charlie’s poop scooper. But, according to YOUR poop scooper, I’m now your uncle, too.

You see, recently, your dad called and said he’d entered you in The American Rescue Dog Show, a Disney program. Think the Westminster Kennel Club for strays.

Your dad said that, if you were picked for the show, he couldn’t attend because he was not vaccinated. He asked if I could take his place as your “wrangler” and walk you before judges. He wanted to place you in the “Best in Ears” category.

I immediately said yes. I’ve known you for months, and the cause is unimpeachable: Each pup and human to win their made-up category — Best in Belly Rubs, Best in Snoring, Best in Wiggling, etc. — would earn a $10,000 contribution to the shelter of their choice. And every pup to even make it onto the show would score a $500 rescue donation.

But that’s only half the reason I agreed. The other half was that I didn’t think you’d make it onto the show.

Don’t get me wrong, Dodge. You are a year-old miracle, 70 pounds of Shepherd-mix exuberance that matched Jadie’s at six minths. And your ears make Prince Charles look like he had his pruned. But this was a national show; I figured you would be ignored like most Tinseltown dreamers.

Wrong.

The producers called in early April. You were in! Oh, and the show would tape in 10 days.

So we began our “wrangling.” If you were wondering why we walked through an off-leash dog park on-leash, that’s why. If you were wondering why you practiced jumping into a creamsicle Fiat, that’s why. If you were wondering why I spent a week and a half cooing “Ear of the tiger, eye of the puppy” while I massaged your fur lobes, that’s why.

As you hopefully don’t recall, you were terrified the day of the show. You had never been out of dad’s charge. The doggie green room on the Warner Bros. lot was a spacious kennel, with plenty of room for both of us: a bed and water for you and a folding chair for me. Nonetheless, you were petrified.

When they closed the gate of our pen and we sat, you tucked your head between my knees. And when you get scared, bud, your ears become AERODYNAMIC. I could barely see them. I guess even a deluxe kennel is still a cage, and that was probably the last thing you wanted to see.

So we moved down to the cot, and I swear this is true: We locked eyes for a full second, maybe a second and a half. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we came to a meeting of the minds. I think we realized: ‘We’re in this crate. The humans want a show. They want to see second chances lived right. That fortune can follow fortitude. That you regret NOT taking a chance more than the chance itself. So let’s do this goddamn thing.’

And we wrestled and fetched and asked Hoozagoodboy? and answered I Am! in our cage for 30 minutes. You waited for me to go to hair and wardrobe, then we wrangled another half hour. You dandered the jacket and slobbered the makeup and neither of us cared. By the time producers fetched us, you were on your back, grinning, paws asplay. You could have entered the belly rub race.

And we were off. The set was another strange first for you: crowds, lights, celebrity vets in sequins, a live pig (it was Disney) — and a half-dozen pups with wild observatory flappers.

But you were long done being scared. By the time cameras rolled, you were cloud busting: yipping, twirling, trying to make time with the cute pit rescue Bunny next to us. Halfway into the show, you two belly scooched toward each other until you touched pads. The crowd loved it.

I hope you did too.

As you saw last night, another pup nipped the top prize. But you were a champion true. You overcame a terrifying fear, trusted a new human, resisted eating live bacon — and scored $500 for Sunny Day Acres, the shelter that took you in. You even nabbed an emerald-green medal I hear your dad plans to frame.

You were courage incarnate. And that’s not just an uncle’s pride talking. Dodger dog: Best in Valliance.

Of course, titles come with trappings. Namely, this one: Show us how.

Hollywood’s Epic Custody Battle

Will Black Widow Release In Theaters, On Disney+, Or On Digital? - The  Direct

Hollywood has always had a lucrative but loveless marriage to the nation’s movie theaters.

For decades, studios and exhibitors have maintained a tense but workable relationship. Sure there have been some knockdown-dragouts, and lamps have been thrown in arguments over things like the cost of a ticket and how long someone should wait before they can see a movie from home.

But things got serious over the weekend. And while mom and dad haven’t filed for divorce yet, it looks like they are getting separated. And the custody battle could change life as you knew it as a moviegoer.

Theater owners on Sunday blasted The Walt Disney Co. for making Marvel’s Black Widow available simultaneously in the home and on the big screen, saying the decision undercut the movie’s box office potential and promoted piracy. It marked rare public in-fighting for an industry that prides itself on private unity.

In a blistering press release from the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO), the trade organization accused Disney of handcuffing its own film by simultaneous streaming the film and releasing it in theaters, causing the movie to suffer a “stunning collapse in its second weekend in theatrical revenues.” NATO also noted that Widow dropped an unprecedented 41 percent from Friday to Saturday during its opening over the July 9-11 frame.

This is Hollywood eating its own. For years, studios and theater owners had a rough peace accord: a three-month delay between big-screen release and video availability.

But COVID destroyed that treaty. The pandemic forced industries to accomodate a populace sequestered at home, a disaster for companies in the spectating business like movies, theater and sports.

Disney and Warner Bros. have revamped their film slates to accommodate streaming releases, and studios such as Netflix and Amazon Video had already dampened box office revenue, which has remained relatively flat for 25 years.

In a sweeping indictment of all streaming studios, NATO accused Disney of using the virus as a ruse. “Despite assertions that this pandemic-era improvised release strategy was a success for Disney and the simultaneous release model, it demonstrates that an exclusive theatrical release means more revenue for all stakeholders in every cycle of the movie’s life,” NATO said.

This is one parent blaming the other for a child’s fatal disease, when in truth their union had been on the rocks for years.

Since 1995, Americans have bought 1.2 to 1.4 billion movie tickets a year. That’s roughly four movies a year, per American.

Whether that’s a healthy business model is up for debate. Whether it’s a stagnant one is not.

Widow‘s subdued ticket sales, coupled with steep second-weekend declines, suggest that moviegoing is far from returning to normal. And while Disney has not commented on NATO’s accusation, it did note that Widow’s box office has passed $324 million, including revenue from Disney+ Premier Access.

But even that is debatable, NATO claims. It argued that Widow‘s stand-alone box office debut was actually $92-$100 million, a rare swipe at studio veracity.

“One can assume the family-oriented Disney+ household is larger,” the release said. “How much? How much password sharing is there among Disney+ subscribers?”

Ouch.

The way back is unclear. The professional sports world seems to have brokered a rough balance between at-home and in-person spectating, though not without significant casualties (The 2021 Tokyo Olympics, for instance, will be fan-less.) There is money to be made.

So these are not necessarily irreconcilable differences. But, given the stark contrasts over what constitutes a true moviegoing experience, they are irrefutable.

The Corona Diaries

Image result for jaws chum scene

Chapter VI: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Man, Mickey must be pissed.

Sure, there have been no confirmed cases of mice catching coronavirus. But America’s biggest sure took it on the chin the last couple months.

Consider: Its theme parks; closed. Its theatrical films; shuttered. It’s sports empire, ESPN and all its umbrella channels…well, unspeakable things happened to them. More on them in a second.

Last week, Disney was trading at $150 a share. This week, it’s going for $90. And if corona doesn’t magically evaporate in warm air, as Cpl. Bone Spurs predicts, and the virus plows into summer, Mickey may have to cut a bitch (tool up, Minnie).Image result for mickey mouse minnie fighting

But it’s hard to blame Disney investors for bailing ship. I pored over the ESPNs Sunday night lineup — normally the network’s biggest night — and these were the prime time shows they were promoting. Granted, it was ESPN 2. But that’s the network’s second biggest draw. They’d have had a sterling lineup for March Madness.

Alas, this is what we’re reduced to. The listing is in bold, the description in italics. Almost as interesting as the “sport” is the inherent knowledge these people spent many hours of their lives honing the craft. And legions follow them:

http://frescohealth.com/why-eat-organic/ Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

The 46th Annual Cherry Pit-Spitting Competition from Eau Claire, Mich.Image result for Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

I watched a little of this; no matter the color of what you’re spitting, it still looks like you’re trying to hock a loogie across a room.

 

executively Professional Arm Wrestling Championship

From Dec. 9, 2006 in Uncasville, Conn.Image result for Professional Arm Wrestling Championship From Dec. 9, 2006 in Uncasville, Conn.

Okay, this is a real sport. But what happened in 2006 that made it so interesting?

 

2019 Golden Tee World Championship

Highlighting and hard hitting moments from the 2019 World Championships, including nail-biting final matches between Mark Stenmark and newcomer Jared Decker.Image result for 2019 Golden Tee World Championship stenmark decker

This is a video golf game. I guess this must have been the Bird-Magic showdown of the  e-links.

 

2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

Contestants compete in Nintendo’s Tetris to decide the world champion.Image result for 2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

Is this still a thing? Was 2018 the last hear it was played?

 

Dodgeball

“America’s Cup: Canada vs. United States”  USA faces off against Canada for the 2nd Americas Dodgeball Continental Cup.Image result for dodgeball usa vs canada 2019

Continental Cup is certainly a regal name for a sport that centers around taking a shot to the nads.

 

2019 Jelle’s Marble Runs

Teams compete in this highlight show of the 2019 championships of marble racing.Image result for 2019 Jelle’s Marble Runs

I’m sure Jelle has a lot of consultants, but it may want to reconsider “Marble Runs.” Sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s experiment gone horribly awry.

 

Slippery Stairs: College Tour

The latest group of contestants race to the top of the Slippery Stairs.Image result for Slippery Stairs: College Tour

Sure, it’s fun. But you should check out Slippery Stairs: Nursing Home Showdown.

 

Dodge Juggle 3

Five jugglers running and juggling in hopes to keep their juggle alive as people throw dodgeballs at them to attempt to make them slip.Image result for Dodge Juggle 3

I desperately want to see this. If it’s part 3, you know it’s gotta be good! (Godfather, Matrix, Superman, Iron Man, Spider Man, X-Men, Pirates of the Caribbean, Terminator, Transformers)

Moxie Games 3

A collective event for a variety of avant-garde skills and sports ranging from combat juggling to martial arts volleyball, pool trick shot competitions and bottle flipping.Image result for Moxie Games 3

Combat juggling is avant-garde? Can I interest you in my new sport: javelin-catching?Image result for javelin catching