I don’t have anything against New Year’s Resolutions per se. What more noble a cause, to open a new chapter in your life? Where would any of us be were it not for second chances?

Perhaps it’s scope of the oaths: Drastically alter the way you look, think or behave. Perhaps that’s why only 8% of Americans follow through on resolutions, according to a Gallup survey.

Which is why it’s time to make resolutions more reasonable — and, more importantly, feasible. Here then, are a handful of my (attainable) New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Pick up smoking. 
2. Try meth. 
3. Get even with that hobo. 
4. Look up the meaning of “resolution.” 
5. Stop making lists.