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And God Said, ‘Knock It Off’
Finally, a religious poll I can have faith in.
The coronavirus has prompted about two-thirds of American believers of all faiths to feel that God is telling humanity to change how it lives, a new poll finds.
While the virus rattles the globe, sparking economic upheaval for millions and killing more than 80,000 Americans, the findings of the poll by the University of Chicago Divinity School and The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research indicate that people may also be searching for deeper meaning in the devastating outbreak.
Fortunately, we here at the HB hacked the lord’s computer and intercepted the message god has sent the world (the password was locusts):
Hi kids,
Sorry I had to turn the car around, but you just don’t listen. Every century or so, you children need a reminder of your place in the universe. Namely, under its boot. Shape up, or you’re getting a dino-spanking. A few tips if you want to end your grounding and get your video games back:
Put on a goddamned, er, medamned mask.When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
Quit messing up my crib.I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
Stop claiming what — or who — has earned my respect. I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
Stop looking to me!Why do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
Why do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
