Tag Archives: Simpsons

And God Said, ‘Knock It Off’

Finally, a religious poll I can have faith in.

The coronavirus has prompted about two-thirds of American believers of all faiths to feel that God is telling humanity to change how it lives, a new poll finds.

While the virus rattles the globe, sparking economic upheaval for millions and killing more than 80,000 Americans, the findings of the poll by the University of Chicago Divinity School and The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research indicate that people may also be searching for deeper meaning in the devastating outbreak.

Fortunately, we here at the HB hacked the lord’s computer and intercepted the message god has sent the world (the password was locusts):

Hi kids,

Sorry I had to turn the car around, but you just don’t listen. Every century or so, you children need a reminder of your place in the universe. Namely, under its boot. Shape up, or you’re getting a dino-spanking. A few tips if you want to end your grounding and get your video games back:

  1. Put on a goddamned, er, medamned mask.Column: No mask? No manners, no common sense. For businesses to ...When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
  2. Quit messing up my crib.How Earth will be destroyed, end all life on the planet - Business ...I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
  3. Stop claiming what — or who — has earned my respect.Mr President 🌟DONALD TRUMP IS A SECRET GOD?!🌟 Mr President Funny ... I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
  4. Stop looking to me!Mary and Gerry as a child - TheMagnusArchivesWhy do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

With great vengeance and furious anger,

Dad

ps: Have you seen Tiger King? Jesus.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.”

 

As if this were breaking news, suddenly people have discovered The Simpsons is the most brilliant show in TV history.

The show’s creators are making an unexpected press circuit after one of its 2010 shows  became politically prescient.

Entitled “Boy Meets Curl,” the series, now in its 29th season, predicted that the U.S. would beat Sweden at the Olympics in curling — which is exactly what happened Saturday.

It’s a great episode, but Simpson prophesy is nothing new.  The Simpsons predicted three different 1990s Super Bowl victories; the fact that Disney would acquire Fox; and a Trump presidency, among other things.

The bigger question now is: What will The Simpsons do with the latest acclaim? In all likelihood, skewer the hell out of everyone caught in the publicity blast radius: Olympic committees and commentators, fans of obscure sports, North-South Korean political tensions, yaddy.

But perhaps the easiest targets are the heroes themselves, the first American curling team to take Olympic gold.

The victory was as poetic and inspiring as any well told Olympic obscurity-to-celebrity story (now that it’s become such a ratings cash cow, how long before Disney spins off a Training for the Games channel on one of ESPN’s innumerable networks?).

Still, there’s no way that writers won’t tease the, er, athletic build of our medal champions. The Olympics are testimony to the marvels of the human body. But there’s not much to marvel at — at least if you’re keen on physiques — in our proud boys. They look as if they’d be just as at home playing for Homer’s bowling league team, The Pin Pals. Hell, they look like they could form the USA Beer Pong team.

 

 

I have an idea: an episode about Marge discovering that her housecleaning skills have made her an Olympic-level athlete…

D’oh!

 

To: Ingram, Michael (PlusOne@notforgotten.you)

 

Hey bro,

It’s been too long since I’ve written you, but not a day’s length since I’ve thought of you.

I can’t imagine you’d tolerate any place without Wifi, but, just in case reception is spotty, a quick update:

I thought of you this weekend, kickoff of the NFL season. Why did we know so much about every sport, regardless of whether we played it? But you would have loved the U.S. Open. Federer is still great. Serena is still great. As good, dare I say, as when we marveled them on those courts in Westwood. Every time I drive down there, I think of your apartment, and how those neighbors must have considered us pervs, the adult men who gathered every Sunday night to giggle at a cartoon.

That, by the way, is still on, too. And dude, I gotta say, Homer is still damn funny. So, uncle: funniest. show. ever. homer

Maybe that’s why you were on my mind. Sunday nights in fall were always pretty cool: football and Simpsons. And a Futurama should we need further geeking.

Oh, I began the arduous process of applying to be a Big Brother. I need someone to endure my magic. Why not force a child? Hell, they’re already being fed Halloween costumes and candy  in August. Seriously. They don’t celebrate it like D.C. did, though, and no one makes a better member of the Village People.

bobmikemike

Man, you’d go ape shit over all the Steve Jobs movies. Seriously, at least five this year. This is mythology in the making. You think history ultimately sees him as visionary or PT Barnum? If you see him, tell him the new iphone sucks.

Well, that’s about it. I miss hell out of you, dude. See ya.

Your idol,

me