Lemme get this straight.
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro was offered $20 million in international aid to help battle the Amazon rainforest inferno following the G-7 summit, but is refusing to take the money until French President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for what Macron said about Bolsonaro’s Facebook comment?
That’s it, I’m turning the car around. And your internet privileges are suspended.
Bolsonaro was apparently offended by Macron’s comments related to his handling of the unfolding crisis in the Amazon, and wanted them retracted.
“And then we can speak,” the Brazilian dimwit said.
In truth, though, the dispute isn’t about authority, or expenditures, or detente, but something middle-school-petty. The Brazilian leader’s demand for an apology followed Macron lashing out after a Bolsonaro supporter — a supporter! — mocked Macron’s wife, Brigitte, in a Facebook post, comparing her to Bolsonaro’s wife, Michelle, and suggesting Macron was jealous.
Bolsonaro commented on the post in Portuguese, “don’t humiliate the guy … haha,” leading Macron to respond during the Group of Seven summit on Monday that the comment was “very disrespectful.”
“He said very disrespectful things about my wife. I have great respect for the Brazilian people and can only hope they soon have a president who is up to the job,” Macron said.
What the…? What is going on with our world leaders? This little tiff follows Donald Trump’s umbrage at being turned down in his offer to buy Greenland from Denmark. Danish leaders reminded him that they don’t own Greenland — Greenland does — and called the offer absurd. Blimpie immediately canceled his trip to Denmark, which I’m sure has left the Danes inconsolable. Who will Danish political cartoonists lampoon now?
But apparently, you can spin a globe, cover your eyes, and land on a country led by a buffoon.
Imagine this scenario for a moment, because political leaders certainly haven’t. Imagine you know someone who has run into money trouble and cannot pay the mortgage, or rent, or car note. You open your checkbook and offer him money — with no demand for repayment. But in opening your checkbook, you mumble something that offends the broke sumbitch. And he tells you, “I’m not going to cash this check until your apologize.”
You’d likely tell the loafer to go to hell, close the checkbook and walk away. And that’s what the Gang of Seven should have done collectively. Don’t need the $20 million? I’m sure there are countless hungry and thirsty nations that do. Cross out Brazil’s name and scribble in South Sudan, where residents make an average of $246 a year, according to Reuters.
More importantly, it’s time for our planet’s leaders to start acting like goddamn adults. When did Facebook and Twitter become so vital to their management of nations? You going to nuke a nation that touches your side of the backseat?
To Emmanuel: Come on, Frenchie. You were supposed to be the reasonable one at the G-7, the one who recognized issues like climate change, nuclear proliferation, global terrorism. And you’re acting like someone stole your binky. All over a comment about a comment on Facebook? You don’t need to unfriend Bolsonaro; you need to unplug your computer.
To Jair: I’m not sure what the Portuguese word for douchebag is, but you are one. Maybe you don’t need $20 million in aid. But your people do. They’re choking on ash, and you’re yukking it up with a troll? If your people take a cue from the people of Hong Kong, your ass will fry like your rainforest.
I never thought I’d have to say this to anyone but our globular president, but apparently this message can be translated into innumerable languages, for innumerable heads of state:
Grow the fuck up.
