Monthly Archives: April 2019

No MAGA Hat Required

Image result for sitting on the fence

I’ve sat on the fence too long. You see, it’s a picket one, constructed of splendid splinters. So it’s a bit rough on the ass. But I digress.

I’ve decided to enter my name in the Democratic presidential race. I would have announced more formally than this, but Jack n the Box refused to reserve parking lot space for the press announcement. And after all the lobbying dollars I threw their way…

Anyway, I’m running, joining the other 237 candidates. Unlike those hopefuls, however, I believe in coming out with policy statements immediately out of the gate. And since my likely opponent, Cap’n Bone Spurs, and his evangelical base are so concerned with the candidates’ positions on crotches (why is that, by the way? The GOP lately has been an acronym for Groin of Preference), I figure I better come out with my general positions on people’s dangly bits.

  • First and foremost: I support the right to genitalia.
  • In terms of exercising said right:  I wholeheartedly support right of choice. In fact, under a Bowlesian administration, only women will have a vote on the abortion issue. If only one gender shoulders the burden of an issue, they should have the right to determine its fate. Until a man can force a bowling ball through his puckered sphincter, we should shut the fuck up on the topic (And let’s be fair: if a proposition arose, say, calling for mandatory circumcision, only men would get to vote on that).
  • Gay marriage. Last week, Kentucky passed a state law banning bestiality. Really. Last week. It’s not that it’s an absurd law, only that Kentucky yahoos need to be legally told not to fuck Spot. But let’s not go overboard; my administration not only supports gay marriage, but you should have the right to marry the family turtle if the love is there — as long as you have the animal’s written consent.

Beyond the dangly bits, some other campaign planks:

The electoral college: Gone.

Daylight Savings Time: Gone

Political ads on Facebook: Fucking gone.

Gun control: Buy a bazooka if you want. But all gun owners, like car owners, must pass a written and road test if you want to exercise the privilege of ownership. The system would work exactly like auto licensing: You must show proficiency to practice, and paperwork to own. And don’t give me this slippery slope bullshit. Americans haven’t been forced to buy hybrids or electric cars by requiring licensing.

Yet the need has never been greater for licensing. According to the Center for Disease Control, there were 39,773 gun deaths in 2017, the most recent year available, up by more than 1,000 from the year before. Nearly two-thirds were suicides. It was the largest yearly total on record in the C.D.C.’s electronic database, which goes back 50 years, and reflects the sheer number of lives lost. You need to prove you can operate an Acura, but not an AK-14?

Now for matters less contentious, Factslaps:

  • Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva is a rare genetic disease which causes damaged soft tissue to regrow as bone.
  • “Stan”, from the Eminem song with the same name, was added to the Oxford English Dictionary, defining it as “an overzealous or obsessive fan of a particular celebrity.”Image result for eminem stan
  • In Northern Ireland, women earn 3.4% than men on average.
  • Today’s human population is descended from twice as many women as men. About 80% of women reproduced, whereas only 40% of men did.Image result for early woman caveman
  • 4.6 million Americans were severely behind on payments on student loans in 2017.
  • The average American throws away 70 pounds of clothes a year.Image result for pile of goodwill clothes
  • Corporatocracy is a term used to refer to an economic and political system controlled by corporate interests.
  • Every winter, great white sharks swim for 40 days to meet up between Mexico and Hawaii, and nobody knows why.Image result for pair of great whites

 

And Would It Kill You to Say ‘Please?’

Special Counsel Robert Mueller leaves the U.S. Capitol on June 21, 2017. (AP/Andrew Harnik)

Robert Mueller didn’t have to enter the Vietnam War. He wasn’t poor and wasn’t drafted. As a student at Princeton, Mueller had ample opportunity to point to his education to defend avoiding a pointless war. Given his academic record, it would be a helluva lot more convincing reason than bone spurs in a foot he could not recall.

But Mueller was shaken by the death of friend and schoolmate David Spencer Hackett during the war, and gave this reason to a reporter for a life dedicated to military service.Image result for David Spencer Hackett

“One of the reasons I went into the Marine Corps was because we lost a very good friend, a Marine in Vietnam, who was a year ahead of me at Princeton,” Mueller said in a 2016 interview. “There were a number of us who felt we should follow his example and at least go into the service. And it flows from there.”

In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader as a second lieutenant with Second Platoon, H Company, 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines, 3rd Marine Division. On December 11, 1968, during an engagement in Operation Scotland II, he earned the Bronze Star with “V” device for combat valor for rescuing a wounded Marine under enemy fire during an ambush in which he saw half of his platoon become casualties.

In April 1969, he received an enemy gunshot wound in the thigh, recovered, and returned to lead his platoon until June 1969. For his service in and during the Vietnam War, his military decorations and awards include: the Bronze Star Medal with Combat “V”, Purple Heart Medal, two Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medals with Combat “V”, Combat Action Ribbon, National Defense Service Medal, Vietnam Service Medal with four service stars, Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross, Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal, and Parachutist Badge.

After returning to the States, he served for 12 years in United States Attorney offices. After all that, he was saddled for two years with the duties of Special Counsel of the investigation into “Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections and related matters.” In other words, two years of servitude freighted by Donnie Dumbo and his oily lackeys. Image result for mueller trump funny

Despite two years of Donnie’s, the GOP’s and Fox News’ subterfuge, he netted netted indictments against 34 people and three entities on nearly 200 separate criminal charges. Five associates of Trump have been convicted, and another, Roger Stone, is awaiting trial. All without a single controversy, instance of press leaks, political grandstanding, or Lester Holt interviews. The guy became a legal Hermit King, earning uniform praise from Democrats despite his being a Republican.

And now, with the 300-page report finished, he will likely see subpoenas to testify before Congress. Hint to Bob: Bring a gas mask and hazmat suit to the hearings to protect yourself from lethal, political gasbaggery during testimony.

What’s worse is that Dems, who pretended to praise and safeguard Mueller to let his investigation run its course, have not even taken to a mike or podium to thank Mueller for all the bullshit he’s had to endure in the name of country.

What despicable cowardice. Even on issues that divide us, from school shootings to hate crimes to collusion, Dems usually know to feign graciousness before serving rapaciousness. How many times have we heard them say, for instance, “First, our prayers go to the family of…” Or when McCain died, how easily the praise trickled from their mouths despite professional difference.Image result for democrats and mccain funeral

Not with Bob. The left has taken Mueller’s report like a colonoscopy, bitching and moaning at every rectal discomfort. Nancy, would it be too much to tell underlings to start with a similar caveat? Something along the lines of, “First, we should all thank Mr. Mueller for his tireless energy in a thankless job…” We know the work was thankless, full stop. But that doesn’t mean you can’t thank, nonetheless.

Or better yet, pass a resolution officially recognizing Mueller’s service — as Special Counsel and beyond. People have won keys to cities for less sacrifice. It would surely be shot down by the GOP, if Sen. “turtle flap” McConnell even allowed it on the floor to the vote.Image result for mcconnell turtle gif

But strike first. Strike nobly. Let the slackwits bicker and bawl, but the high ground is open and unclaimed. So claim it, you slimy, spineless fucktards.

And thank you very much for your time.

See? That wasn’t so hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ