Category Archives: The Contrarian

Why Robert Mueller Should Welcome Getting Fired

 

Robert Mueller seems the kind of guy who could recite the rule book of Monopoly chapter and verse.

After all,  his life is punctuated by the rules of conduct. In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader with the Marines. He was cited for valor for rescuing a wounded Marine during an attack that killed half his men. He was shot himself and returned to service the same year. He’s received the Bronze Star, Purple Heart, two commendation medals and the Gallantry Cross. In 2004, he was inducted into the US Army Ranger Hall of Fame. That hound dog has no quit in him.

So he shouldn’t take it personally if Donald Trump fires him. If anything, he should welcome it.

Certainly, no one would be surprised if Mueller got the pink slip from a boss who is already asking if he can legally forgive his own sins. A new CNN/Pew poll showed only 41% of Americans approve of how Mueller is leading the special counsel. Apparently, 5 guilty pleas and 17 indictments does not demonstrate sufficient prosecutorial proficiency for Trumpkins — as well as many Americans in a TwitFace era where days feel like weeks, weeks like decades. How long before Trump does what he does best: exploit our inner bile?

But a Mueller firing could have an unexpected upside. Several, actually. Here are a few reasons Mueller (and we) should not fret the president prematurely halting the investigation:

  • Ubaté We already know what the report will allege. Is there anyone who actually believes Trump did not collude with Russians? The nation saved him from bankruptcy? And Trump wasn’t going to genuflect to the thug money that kept him afloat — and put him in the Oval Office? To the cheering throng of thousands, Trump begged, on national TV, the Russians and Wikileaks to continue to hack his opponent’s emails (and perhaps America’s). Would an official allegation of collusion suddenly wake us up with the epiphany: “My goodness gracious, he is Putin’s cock holster.”
  • buy disulfiram pills We already know the GOP/Fox reaction. Ever since Fox News taught him the term “witch hunt,” Trump has been muttering the term like Rain Man. Look at what he did with “propagated,” which he brandished during last week’s fuck you to immigrants and their mothers. As my mother, a former first-grade teacher, put it, “I was surprised he knew a four-syllable word.” Prepare for a new chant as he and Fox & Fiends mount a three-syllable defense to anything Mueller alleges: “Treasonous.”
  • We are more likely to believe the findings. Tease this one out with me: If we know what the report will allege, as well as what the conservative response will be to the allegations, what keeps this from running the news cycle sprint? Mystery. If Mueller were to be fired, his findings would  gain spontaneous credence. And given the administration’s incontinence problem, you know the results would be leaked like cat pee.
  • We can spare Bob a character assassination. One of the most interesting elements of the collusion case is Mueller’s white-hat reputation. While Trump grumbles about attorney-client privilege being dead, I’ve yet to see a single pundit malign Mueller’s character, even on Fox. The biggest strike against Mueller may be his disdain for  public relations stunts. His opponents will honor no similar rule of conduct. Getting unduly fired lets him remain Shane in the sunset.

Mueller likely gives nary a shit about any of this. By nearly every measure, he appears meticulous to the core, and in no rush to give us the American Idol finale we’ve come to expect of our politics.

It’s a notion we’d do well to have propagated.

 

 

 

Donnie, Go Put Your Name on the Yes Board

 

My mother, a first-grade teacher her entire career, implemented the greatest inspiration/discouragement tool  I’ve ever seen in education: The Yes and No Board.

It was a simple chalkboard, divided in two, with the words YES on one side, NO on the other. If a child was especially good, the youngster got his or her name emblazoned under YES. Miscreants and the mischievous went under NO.

The board was clever enough, but here was the coup de grace: Mom had the children write their own names on the board, an act of public pride or  penance. Either way, it was effective: Children beamed like stars to write their name on the YES board, wept like widows at the other fate (though they always had a chance to redeem themselves with good behavior and an eraser).

Washington needs a YES and NO board.

God knows I would have Trump get as used to the NO board as Bart Simpson. From his ever-growing flock to his ever-growing need for one, Trump’s deification in the Republican base has put his ego on steroids. And his love of despots may become our fate of living under one.

But homie deserves to write his name on the YES board for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un this week.

I say this grudgingly. I say this with the taste of crow on my breath. I was prepared for him to tweet the nuclear code after the meeting.

Instead, we got a hugfest. A disingenuous, duplicitous  globular hugfest among egomaniacs. But would we have wanted any other message coming from the confab? Perhaps them angry waddling away from each other? Trading translated barbs?

But it’s inescapable, the reticence of CNN and MSNBC to give the president credit for the meeting. And they do raise valid points: Kim played Trump like a fiddle, earning praise from the leader of the free world. The de-nuclearization process takes a decade at minimum. The letter Kim and Trump penned was, at best, vaguely optimistic.  Trump’s decision to end war games in South Korea was capricious at best, an outright lie at worst.

All of which might be true. To which I say: Who cares? Who gives a shit if a nation the size of Pennsylvania wants to parade Kim’s photos with world leaders, establishing him as a peer? Who cares if the letter wasn’t specific? Did we really expect either of those pudgy lunatics to emerge with a well thought-out plan of disarmament?

The problem appears two-fold: The major outlets’ reluctance to praise anything Trumpian, lest they invoke a boycott or, worse, a decline in ratings; and a misread of the Singapore sit-down altogether.

The first is understandable. Trump invites skepticism in anything he says or does, largely because he says or does nothing. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me 17 straight months and, well, I’ve got that coming.

It’s the second media complaint that confuses me. We keep casting Kim as a dictator of a hermit nation, which would be impossible to deny. But I was a cop reporter for 15 years, and I know a hostage stand-off when I see one. And this was a hostage stand-off.

In this case, the hostages were 60 short-, medium- and long-range missiles, including those of the inter ballistic persuasion.  What is Trump going to come out and say? “Dumbo’s gotta get rid of em?” Have you ever seen a cop, trying to negotiate the release of hostages, go on the local TV news and say “That guy is a real nut job. I sure hope he doesn’t kill everybody.” You say what needs to be said til nutso puts down the gun. Isn’t that the hope for both men?

Perhaps Kim will pick it up again and fire away. Perhaps de-arming never happens. Perhaps this was all just a ruse to hack Trump’s iPhone after he left it in the toilet, which he surely did at least once.

But again, who cares? So far, there are no bodies. In any hostage stand-off, you want a lack of corpses, a dearth of gunfire and both sides talking and smiling, even if it cloaks consternation. What’s the alternative?