Category Archives: The Contrarian

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

 

What a golden-egged goose Donald Trump has been to late night. In many ways, he is King Midas, imploring Dionysus for the golden touch, only to learn to be careful what you ask for.

And he has asked for a lot — to the delight of the comically-inclined left. A magic wall. Witch-hunt recognition. Media that fawns upon the mighty.

And last month,  Space Force. Trump has been so excited in the sloganeering potential that he seems to get plumper and oranger each time he whips his base into rally froths, like a Jamba Juice on crack. Forget a purpose, let alone a reasoning or development plan; it’s chant-friendly. “Space Force!” is easy to remember and isn’t trademark-infringing (not to mention the fewer letters for your hats, on sale today!).

Comedians had their expected field day with the idea. And who could blame them? Trump’s tweets alone have turned a literal profit for comics: Comedy Central has the 15th most popular book on Amazon with its The Donald J. Trump Presidential Twitter Library hardbound collection of Trump’s furious, grammar-challenged missives.Space Force is just as tantalizing. As a viral video points out, Trump speaks of a sixth branch of the military like he’s auditioning for Shatner Shakespeare in the park.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dj_gEfbysI

It’s a silly idea, yes. It will surely feature all the efficiency of Trump healthcare and all the malice of Trump tax cuts. Is it a stretch to picture him wanting to turn the moon into an investment venture?

Regardless, we should enact Space Force before he gets distracted by something else shiny.

The reason? Any state-mandated scientific research should be welcomed by the left as a rarity on the level of a gay Supreme Court nominee.

Don’t believe it? Look no further than Mike Pence, who has become the ironic poster boy for Space Force. Regardless of your politics, this is indisputable: The second most-powerful man in the free world does not believe in evolution, nor that the Earth is a day older than the Bible deigns. You could nearly see the discomfort in his face as he played dutiful wingman and praised Space Force, a higher power that wasn’t evangelicalism. 

Pence has good reason to be concerned. Science, like life and spam, finds a way. If the GOP opens the Pandora’s Box of scientific research, it will find itself facing some seriously conflicted questions.

The administration has shown its hostility toward science and education in its treatment of global warming, the gutting of the EPA and the paltry funding of groups from NASA to the Center for Disease Control. And now Trump is offering to marry military spending with science research?

The left should recognize the errant gift its been dealt. It’s one thing to wage war over a book. It’s another to get into space with it. Even at its bureaucratic worst, a cosmology-based government branch would pose something truly terrifying to the right: empirical science. What Republican wants to be the politician who officially tells Christian conservatives that the Earth is billions of years old, not thousands?

All aboard the U.S.S. Midas!

 

America’s Chip Addiction

 

 

America has a chip addiction.

And I’m not talking about Pringles. I mean, sure, I love ’em. Who doesn’t? Some even say you can get a fever for the flavor. But it’s  social snacking only. I can stop anytime I please. Get off my back about it, ok? Why’d you even bring it up? I don’t need a nap, you need a nap! Image result for pringles

I forgot what I was talking about… Oh yeah! I’m talking about the chips that sit on our shoulders. The ones that make for such good drama, inspire athletes, drive the determined to greatness.

It can also make you a frightening asshole.

For years, we’ve abided the assholery, even glorified it. What Hollywood entertainment does not hinge on the little guy being wronged, only to mete out home-cooked vengeance? Charles Bronson, Jackie Chan, Jason Statham and innumerable more discovered that revenge is not a dish best served cold, but with prospects for a sequel.

And now we see politics trying to similarly franchise itself. This time, by posing as a one-size-fits-all costume for the aggrieved.

It’s hard to imagine how a chip addiction occurs across every demographic of the country. But the president  made it clear in political rallies this summer for his very pale fanbase: Democrats are stealing your country; Immigrants are stealing your jobs; Black athletes are stealing your flag’s dignity.

You, the Pouter-in-Chief admonishes, should be more pissed about getting screwed. At a recent rally in North Dakota, he employed the tired-but-dependable stratagem of “Pssst, people are talking about you and they think you’re stupid.”

“We got more money,” Trump said, though I’m not sure the median income in North Dakota.  “We got more brains, we got better houses and apartments, we got nicer boats, we’re smarter than they are and they say they’re the elite. You’re the elite, we’re the elite. Let’s call ourselves, from now on, the super elite.”

That super-elite status has energized the super-entitled. Frat boys are hitting Pier One for protest tiki torches. Jordan Peterson, a Canadian professor who specializes in neo-psychobabble, has become a bestselling author with a singular message: Whitey needs to man up. Fox News, in particular, has found ratings gold in redefining the GOP as the Grand Old Pariahs. Tucker Carlson actually hosted a segment on the societal assault on American men. Building glass ceilings, you see, is apparently hazardous duty. You could get a nasty shard.

It’s even seeped into sports. Free agency has made the hometown athlete as quaint as a phone booth, except more rare. We prefer pulling against a team than rooting for one. Tony Kornheiser, a talking head on ESPN, insisted in a segment that the New York Yankees needed to be atop the standings, for the good of the sport. “Baseball,” he said, “needs someone to hate.” Image result for tony kornheiser pardon the interruption

Maybe. Personally, I don’t see a shortage of people to resent. Starting with those Pringles critics. How I loathe them.

 

Why Robert Mueller Should Welcome Getting Fired

 

Robert Mueller seems the kind of guy who could recite the rule book of Monopoly chapter and verse.

After all,  his life is punctuated by the rules of conduct. In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader with the Marines. He was cited for valor for rescuing a wounded Marine during an attack that killed half his men. He was shot himself and returned to service the same year. He’s received the Bronze Star, Purple Heart, two commendation medals and the Gallantry Cross. In 2004, he was inducted into the US Army Ranger Hall of Fame. That hound dog has no quit in him.

So he shouldn’t take it personally if Donald Trump fires him. If anything, he should welcome it.

Certainly, no one would be surprised if Mueller got the pink slip from a boss who is already asking if he can legally forgive his own sins. A new CNN/Pew poll showed only 41% of Americans approve of how Mueller is leading the special counsel. Apparently, 5 guilty pleas and 17 indictments does not demonstrate sufficient prosecutorial proficiency for Trumpkins — as well as many Americans in a TwitFace era where days feel like weeks, weeks like decades. How long before Trump does what he does best: exploit our inner bile?

But a Mueller firing could have an unexpected upside. Several, actually. Here are a few reasons Mueller (and we) should not fret the president prematurely halting the investigation:

  • We already know what the report will allege. Is there anyone who actually believes Trump did not collude with Russians? The nation saved him from bankruptcy? And Trump wasn’t going to genuflect to the thug money that kept him afloat — and put him in the Oval Office? To the cheering throng of thousands, Trump begged, on national TV, the Russians and Wikileaks to continue to hack his opponent’s emails (and perhaps America’s). Would an official allegation of collusion suddenly wake us up with the epiphany: “My goodness gracious, he is Putin’s cock holster.”
  • Kangasala We already know the GOP/Fox reaction. Ever since Fox News taught him the term “witch hunt,” Trump has been muttering the term like Rain Man. Look at what he did with “propagated,” which he brandished during last week’s fuck you to immigrants and their mothers. As my mother, a former first-grade teacher, put it, “I was surprised he knew a four-syllable word.” Prepare for a new chant as he and Fox & Fiends mount a three-syllable defense to anything Mueller alleges: “Treasonous.”
  • We are more likely to believe the findings. Tease this one out with me: If we know what the report will allege, as well as what the conservative response will be to the allegations, what keeps this from running the news cycle sprint? Mystery. If Mueller were to be fired, his findings would  gain spontaneous credence. And given the administration’s incontinence problem, you know the results would be leaked like cat pee.
  • We can spare Bob a character assassination. One of the most interesting elements of the collusion case is Mueller’s white-hat reputation. While Trump grumbles about attorney-client privilege being dead, I’ve yet to see a single pundit malign Mueller’s character, even on Fox. The biggest strike against Mueller may be his disdain for  public relations stunts. His opponents will honor no similar rule of conduct. Getting unduly fired lets him remain Shane in the sunset.

Mueller likely gives nary a shit about any of this. By nearly every measure, he appears meticulous to the core, and in no rush to give us the American Idol finale we’ve come to expect of our politics.

It’s a notion we’d do well to have propagated.