Category Archives: The Contrarian

Call Me Covfefe

 

I can’t stand the heat. I must confess.

I wrote the anonymous New York Times op-ed piece.

It wasn’t for the shitbird that is Donald Trump. It wasn’t for the raft of felony convictions among his political support beams. It wasn’t for that red tie that droops beneath his scrotum sac. Image result for trump really long tieIt wasn’t his tendency  to spit his dentures out when he tries to say “The United Schtates of Amirka.” It wasn’t for his 20 months of grammatical genocide; the guy is the Hitler syntax.

No, I felt compelled pen the note after John McCain died, and Pumpkinhead sent this tweet: “My deepest sympathies and respect go out to the family of Senator. Our hearts and prayers are with you!”


And apparently your tactlessness. Who includes an exclamation point in a sympathy note? That’s like a condolence card adorned with a cartoon duck. Sad.

Getting into the White House was a piece of cake; I hand-wrote on the back of a Post-It Note “Donald has the best words,” and waltzed past security.

To get into classified meetings, I needed a disguise of a “senior official.” Fortunately, Kellyanne Conway masks are a snap to make: Just picture a face smashed by another horse’s face (ever wonder why you’ve never seen a picture of them both together?).Image result for kellyanne conway horse Drop a couple of Mike Pence’s “lodestar” references to throw them off the trail (lodestar 1. noun:A star that is used to guide the course of a ship, especially Polaris.)

And in less scurrilous news, Factslaps, comrade bitches

  • Benjamin Franklin invented a mechanical arm for reaching books on high shelves. Image result for benjamin franklin long arm
  • At least an hour of physical activity a day may be required to offset the harmful effects of sitting at a desk for 8 hours.
  • The Twister game was originally called Pretzel. Image result for twister game
  • A 2018 law in France allows citizens to make mistakes in good faith on documents without being punished.
  • The Matrix took five years to write. Image result for the matrix
  • It would cost about $140 a year if you ate ramen for every meal. Image result for ramen
  • U2 singer Bono’s stage name comes from the Latin term “Bono Vox” which means “Good Voice.” Image result for bono

 

Just Think It

Nike released its controversial ad featuring Colin Kaepernick as its spokesman today, despite his insistence on exercising his First Amendment rights.

Forget who is in it. Forget what it’s selling. Simply hear the message.

The folks at Nike, in a rare Economic Darwinian showdown with Trump and conservatives, have made a startling call: to risk offending customers. High-paying customers.

But there’s something shrewdly calculated in the strategy: The shoe giant has decided that a young, largely African-American consumer base will offset the loss of Trumpanzees, who consider as treasonous bastards whoever kneels for the National Anthem (a melodically awful tune by almost every aural measure, by the way. Why not America the Beautiful?).

And there’s no reason to think Nike is off the mark. Trump has the memory of a mayfly. And check viral videos of the hayseeds burning shoes. Those aren’t inexpensive, secular books you swiped from the public library, chumps. They’re overpriced shoes — that you already overpaid for. The guy below actually brags he set fire to $1,000 worth of footwear. Hey dumb ass: I’ve got used sweat socks you can have for $50 apiece, or two for $120.

And don’t forget what Game of Thrones keeps bugling: Winter is coming. You can only walk barefoot so long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mreQsQrDF-A&t=19s