I was recently reminded of a phrase I hadn’t heard in a while: To have one’s cake and eat it too.
I’ve never understood that term. What else would you do with a cake you have? Wear it? Rent it bowling shoes? And while we’re at it, why do we still use “selling like hotcakes?” Were they once as socially hot as, say, the Furby?
Less questions. More answers:
90% of Chinese teenagers and young adults suffer from myopia (short-sightedness).
The highest race horse speed ever recorded was 43.97 mph.
3 out of 4 teenage girls feel depressed after looking at a fashion magazine for only 3 minutes, according to a Cambridge study.
75% of all suicide attempts are by self-poisoning with drugs, and 97% of those cases survive.
The average person pees six times a day.
Intel employs a “futurist” whose job is to determine what life will be like 10-15 years in the future.
More than $80 of every $100 of wealth created in 2017 went to the richest 1%.
According to the Washington Post, Trump made 4,299 false or misleading claims in his first 558 days.
Who says humans have the collective wit of inbred gorillas?
Well, I have, to be honest. But while I was on my human’s computer last week (I log on when he’s away to write crank letters to Cat Fancy magazine), I came across a story I had trouble believing: The primates in Congress passed a bipartisan bill.
And what drew the embittered parties in the together? The House passed a law making it a felony to eat cats and dogs. Seriously.
The bill, called the Dog and Cat Meal Trade Prohibition Act, would make it illegal to “knowingly slaughter, transport, possess, buy, sell or donate dogs or cats or their parts for human consumption.” Violators would be fined up to $5,000.
At first, I was elated. That creepy neighbor down the street eyes me like a roasted suckling pig every time I pass.
What the fuck, people? We spend millennia guarding your homes, guiding your blind, pee-hydrating your petunias, allowing you to watch us crap in public, and this is your gratitude? Promising not to sell McYorkies?
Then I got to thinking: What other ludicrous laws have you hominid dummies left on the books? This is just a sample:
22. Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina)
21. Chickens are not allowed to cross the road (Quitman, Georgia)
20. If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison (Arizona)
19. Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio)
18. It’s illegal to sell your eyeballs (Texas)
17. It’s against the law to sing off-key (North Carolina)
16. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
15. You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia)
14. Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah)
13. Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
12. It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico)
11. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama) Not sure if that’s bear-on-bear or man-in-bear.
10. You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)
9 .You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday (Washington)
8. It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana)
7. In San Antonio, flirting is against the law (Texas)
6. It’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (Idaho)
5. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)
4. If you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up (Arizona)
3. If you have a mustache, it’s illegal for you to kiss a woman (Eureka, Nevada)
2. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Waynesboro, Virginia)
1. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington)
I’m hopeful the Senate will approve the bill and the president will act immediately (after all, he appears to like canines: He got nearly all the way through Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors.
Still, you never know with the Senate. I’m guessing the bill will stall when Mitch McConnell demands that turtles be added to the list.
