Author Archives: Scott Bowles

Traitor Joe Blow

 

A wise soul suggested I try Trader Joe‘s for the kind of wine I prefer: Something that tastes as sweet as Kool-Aid, without the mass suicides.

So for the first time in my life, I entered Trader Joe‘s alone (Because I’m a food fraud, I have always accompanied grocery experts who know the difference between, say, rhubarb  and butter.)Image result for rhubarb

Joe’s food must be as good as his wine, because the line just to get into the parking lot spilled onto Burbank Blvd. Motorists were lined up as if entering the Hollywood Bowl, and about as patient. Someone actually honked at a guy walking across the parking lot entrance in a walker. In his/her defense,  the car was two back in the line and couldn’t have realized the pedestrian was in a walker — until stroller guy got back to us and uttered something inaudible and surely profane at the driver in front of me.

When I finally got into the store, I was struck by the smell of sweat and douche baggery: Track suits and Louis Vittons; ravaged sandals; unbathed vegans asking if the cheese was artisinal.

But damn the advice was good. In addition to Kool-Aid booze, they had the greatest chip selection I’d ever seen, including one that was more ball than chip: an infarction-inducing clump of butter, caramel and cinnamon that I hope to be eating when I die.

But oh the douche baggery! The woman in front of me was delightful. Perhaps because she was buying eight bottles of wine and the patient cashier was double bagging every one.

The guys behind me, though, must have gone to school with Brett Kavanaugh. Douche 1 was telling Douche 2 he couldn’t make time with a girl, despite always being at his gentlemanly best. “It’s not like I’m one of those guys who walking around talking in the first person.”

I resisted snarking “You just did, dumbass.” Instead, I chickened out and left. Maybe there’d be a good motorist/senior stroller brawl outside.

Now for some non-person Factslaps:

  • Until three million years ago, whales were less than 30 feet long. Image result for small whales
  • 420,000 people die annually from tainted food.
  • Cuba bans statues of  living Cubans. Image result for fidel castro statue
  • 85% of Vakkaru Island in the Maldives is made up of fish feces.Image result for Vakkaru Island
  • 50% of US territory is under the sea.
  • England is smaller than New York state.
  • 1 in 8 young Britons have never seen a cow in real life.
  • After Korean soccer player Ahn Jung-hwan scored the goal to eliminate Italy from the 2002 World Cup, his contract was cancelled by the Italian for whom he played for ‘ruining Italian soccer.’Image result for Ahn Jung-hwan

 

In Sickness and in Health

 

The test results came back. And the news is not good.

We have cancer. Stage 4.

This should surprise no one. We’ve been courting political cancer the way smokers court black lung, the way drinkers court rotted livers, the way junk foodies court heart disease. We know exactly the direction we’re headed, do little to change course — and are stunned when we arrive at trip’s end.

Such has occurred on a national, political scale. When 60% of residents vote in presidential elections, when 40% vote in midterms, when more citizens vote for the next American Idol than the next American president, malignant tumors are inevitable. Given the warm(ing), mossy climate we offered the malignancy, could we have wound up with anything other than Game Show President Syndrome? Related image

For us, the menacing odd-shaped mole appeared with the presidential election. Since then, the nation has responded to the diagnosis by experiencing four of the seven stages of grief, as codified by the American Psychology Association:

  • SHOCK & DENIAL — Did anyone believe their ears November 8, 2016?
  • PAIN & GUILT — How many people, looking back, wished they’d voted?
  • ANGER & BARGAINING — From the over-extension of the post-modernist left to the overreach of the American fascist right, we have proven lousy mediators.
  • muddily DEPRESSION, LONELINESS — Trump may be the first president in history who gets people riled when he comes up — whether you’re for or against him. Opponents are furious he won; Supporters are pissed because their leader has convinced them they are ripped off rubes.
  • THE UPWARD TURN — Finding hope in small breakthroughs.
  • RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH — Learning to rise and stare down that which felled you.
  • ACCEPTANCE & HOPE — Realizing you are doing what you should have been doing long ago, and praying it’s not too late.

The first four stages have already occurred. The question is what we do with the last three.

To be sure, there’s no guarantee we survive this — or that we’re even serious about the diagnosis. Our cancer-in-chief rejects science, believes global warming a hoax and gazes  directly into solar eclipses. He hired a doctor who told him he could live to 200. That’s the thing about cancer: It can’t recognize itself, only its victims.

And make no mistake, this cancer has metastasized to every region of the body politic. From the executive branch to Congress to the Supreme Court, it’s harder to find a body part that isn’t rotted than one that is.

Treatment’s gonna be a bitch. We’ll suffer hair loss (or at least the reforming of it in angles that defy modern physics). Image result for trump weird hair There will be much blood, screaming, loss of dignity. And we still may be too late.

But there are signs Americans are taking recovery seriously. They stopped a pederast from becoming an Alabama senator. They rejected rejecting universal healthcare. They look to a Perry Mason-type as their true top cop. Image result for muellerTwo women altered an historic Senate hearing this weekend by literally blocking an elevator door to be heard (and promising they’d be heard again come the Nov. 6 mid-terms). Image result for women flake elevator

Perhaps that is what ultimately defines the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, which are  less about the character of the candidate than character of the country. Image result for angry kavanaugh

Kavanaugh is the chemotherapy. Radiation therapy is on Nov. 6. Remember to fast: don’t eat, drink or watch anything 12 hours before the procedure. We’ve seen and swallowed enough.