Tag Archives: Nancy Pelosi

Nancy, Beware Vicious!

Image result for pelosi vs trump

Dear Rep. Pelosi,

Longtime caller, first-time listener.

First off, as Class President of the high school musical we call Congress, congratulation on a stellar freshman crew. The representatives that won elections in 2018 turned the House Democrat, flipped red states blue and were part of more than 400 bills that passed the House, from climate change to gun control, according to the D.C. publication The Hill. (That the Senate did nothing with most of them is not your cross to bear.) They also coalesced to produce the first Impeachment Inquiry of a first-term president. Bravo!

Now please call them off.

On Wednesday, the House will vote on two articles of impeachment, abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. This is hardly a fitting gift for the holiday season, I understand. And I also realize the impossible position you’re in: You are the parent of a petulant toddler who has disobeyed house rules — in front of dinner guests, no less! To not take action would be to tacitly endorse the little shit’s behavior.

We could see you at the dinner table, trying to keep it together. Through pussy-grabbing, porn mistresses and charity scams, you were as patient as humanly possible. And when you finally did announce the discipline — an Impeachment Inquiry — you were somehow both remarkably reserved and remorseful.

Now please use that skill to talk your underlings off the ledge. Here’s why:

Impeachment will fail. Already, the narrative is forming: a unified GOP vs. divided Dems. Two House Democrats — Jeff Van Drew of New Jersey and Collin Peterson of Minnesota — opposed the resolution formalizing the impeachment inquiry and are expected to vote no on the articles of impeachment. No Republican has strayed, nor will they, despite MSNBC’s quaint hopes. Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell have already announced they do not plan to call witnesses during the impeachment and estimate it will take 7-10 days. Just in time, the GOP shall trumpet, for Christmas. At what cost asterisk?Image result for Jeff Van Drew of New Jersey and Collin Peterson of Minnesota

The Democratic winning streak will snap. Around next November. When Trump emerges victorious from the trial, he and his loyal sidekicks will ride the same wave that boosted Bill Clinton’s approval rating after his affair. When it come to jury trials, America loves stories of white men evading justice. Perhaps that’s because it’s America’s story, too. Image result for clinton lewinsky

Justice can still be meted. Trump’s most aggravating personal trait is that he’s never paid for a thing — physically,emotionally, financially — in his life. We used to think Reagan was Teflon. Donnie makes him look like fucking Velcro. But with a little patience, karma may finally pay a visit to Pennsylvania Avenue, which leads us to the good news…Image result for reagan trump teflon

There’s an artful way out of this loss. It’s Trumpian, so I know you’re going to say no. But just hear me out.

Come Wednesday, announce that you are not going to impeach the president. Instead, take back the Xmas present Republicans are trying to make of the impeachment and make it your own. Go vengeful Santa on their asses.

Consider how Americans would take the following press conference, made in the same solemn tone as the inquiry:

“To all Americans, I’d like to announce that the House of Representatives has decided not to move forward on the impeachment of Donald Trump.

“My colleagues and I feel that bringing impeachment charges before a Republican-run Senate would be tantamount to bringing a case before a rigged jury that works at the behest of a judge in on the fix. Despite our 658-page House Judiciary Committee report, which detailed the president’s abuse of power and obstruction of justice, it’s clear that our counterparts across the aisle have divorced themselves from fact as much as the president.

“During the inquiry, we brought a parade of credible, expert witnesses — Bill Taylor, a former Ukraine ambassador; Fiona Hill, former director for Europe and Russia at the NSC; Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman; even EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, a Trump appointee. All testified to abhorrent behavior from the top office of the United States: Do us political favors for military protection. Yet not one Republican believes this action to be unacceptable.Image result for lt. col. vindman testifies

“So, instead, we make our case to you, the American people. You will have the opportunity to be the jury AND judge on November 3. If you found Mr. Trump’s behavior as unacceptable as we did, you can render your verdict at the ballot box.”

“This wasn’t an easy decision, and there was much debate in the House about the appropriate measures to take. Ultimately, we decided to follow the wisdom of the framers of the Constitution. Just as our government is designed to be by, for and of the people, so too should its most important legal decision.

“The American people have been through enough. They have seen the evidence. They have heard the testimony. They, like we, want to move past the endless bickering and get back to work on getting this country back on track.

“Thank you. And happy holidays.”

 

And Would It Kill You to Say ‘Please?’

Special Counsel Robert Mueller leaves the U.S. Capitol on June 21, 2017. (AP/Andrew Harnik)

Robert Mueller didn’t have to enter the Vietnam War. He wasn’t poor and wasn’t drafted. As a student at Princeton, Mueller had ample opportunity to point to his education to defend avoiding a pointless war. Given his academic record, it would be a helluva lot more convincing reason than bone spurs in a foot he could not recall.

But Mueller was shaken by the death of friend and schoolmate David Spencer Hackett during the war, and gave this reason to a reporter for a life dedicated to military service.Image result for David Spencer Hackett

“One of the reasons I went into the Marine Corps was because we lost a very good friend, a Marine in Vietnam, who was a year ahead of me at Princeton,” Mueller said in a 2016 interview. “There were a number of us who felt we should follow his example and at least go into the service. And it flows from there.”

In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader as a second lieutenant with Second Platoon, H Company, 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines, 3rd Marine Division. On December 11, 1968, during an engagement in Operation Scotland II, he earned the Bronze Star with “V” device for combat valor for rescuing a wounded Marine under enemy fire during an ambush in which he saw half of his platoon become casualties.

In April 1969, he received an enemy gunshot wound in the thigh, recovered, and returned to lead his platoon until June 1969. For his service in and during the Vietnam War, his military decorations and awards include: the Bronze Star Medal with Combat “V”, Purple Heart Medal, two Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medals with Combat “V”, Combat Action Ribbon, National Defense Service Medal, Vietnam Service Medal with four service stars, Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross, Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal, and Parachutist Badge.

After returning to the States, he served for 12 years in United States Attorney offices. After all that, he was saddled for two years with the duties of Special Counsel of the investigation into “Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections and related matters.” In other words, two years of servitude freighted by Donnie Dumbo and his oily lackeys. Image result for mueller trump funny

Despite two years of Donnie’s, the GOP’s and Fox News’ subterfuge, he netted netted indictments against 34 people and three entities on nearly 200 separate criminal charges. Five associates of Trump have been convicted, and another, Roger Stone, is awaiting trial. All without a single controversy, instance of press leaks, political grandstanding, or Lester Holt interviews. The guy became a legal Hermit King, earning uniform praise from Democrats despite his being a Republican.

And now, with the 300-page report finished, he will likely see subpoenas to testify before Congress. Hint to Bob: Bring a gas mask and hazmat suit to the hearings to protect yourself from lethal, political gasbaggery during testimony.

What’s worse is that Dems, who pretended to praise and safeguard Mueller to let his investigation run its course, have not even taken to a mike or podium to thank Mueller for all the bullshit he’s had to endure in the name of country.

What despicable cowardice. Even on issues that divide us, from school shootings to hate crimes to collusion, Dems usually know to feign graciousness before serving rapaciousness. How many times have we heard them say, for instance, “First, our prayers go to the family of…” Or when McCain died, how easily the praise trickled from their mouths despite professional difference.Image result for democrats and mccain funeral

Not with Bob. The left has taken Mueller’s report like a colonoscopy, bitching and moaning at every rectal discomfort. Nancy, would it be too much to tell underlings to start with a similar caveat? Something along the lines of, “First, we should all thank Mr. Mueller for his tireless energy in a thankless job…” We know the work was thankless, full stop. But that doesn’t mean you can’t thank, nonetheless.

Or better yet, pass a resolution officially recognizing Mueller’s service — as Special Counsel and beyond. People have won keys to cities for less sacrifice. It would surely be shot down by the GOP, if Sen. “turtle flap” McConnell even allowed it on the floor to the vote.Image result for mcconnell turtle gif

But strike first. Strike nobly. Let the slackwits bicker and bawl, but the high ground is open and unclaimed. So claim it, you slimy, spineless fucktards.

And thank you very much for your time.

See? That wasn’t so hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ

 

 

 

For Sale: One Bridge, Slightly Used

(photo by The Washington Examiner)

bait-and-switch
noun
  1. the action (generally illegal) of advertising goods that are an apparent bargain, with the intention of substituting inferior or more expensive goods.
    “a bait-and-switch scheme”

The term was first used in 1962, to describe an ascending advertising strategy. Ad folks also coined the term “Mad Men,” one of the most brilliantly self-aggrandizing terms in the history of language (and not a bad TV show).

Since then, of course, it’s become so familiar as to be idiomatic.

So why are we so duped by Trump’s ultimate (and ceaseless) sales strategy? Against his own party and voters,  no less?

Consider the last two months alone. The Trump administration has suffered profound political losses, from health care to DACA to being out-Tweeted by Kim Jong Un (who probably loves the nickname Rocket Man, by the way. Take it from Scotty Potty: Teases never work with cool nicknames. Ever hear a bully say,  “You throw like a girl, Diesel!”)?

Yet if you watched his weekend “rally” in Alabama, you’d think those inbreeders were welcoming  MacArthur from the Pacific Theater. Watch in news replays, and you’ll see Trump, perhaps the glummest politician in American history, beam a true smile. He’s in his element.

Which just happens to be a used car lot.

In the rally, you can see him  actually dropping the bait. First he made a brief pit stop at John McCain’s front door to drop a flaming bag of dog shit, presumably because McCain (who is about to enter the myth-o-sphere) is stealing the president’s headlines and may be the only Republican not left wearing spray-on tan backwash.

After calling the Senator names from afar, he then race-baited the huckleberries with a favorite alt-right ember: minorities who challenge American institutions. The NFL, Trump brayed, are filled with America-haters who should be automatically dismissed for not standing for the national anthem.

Teams, as expected, responded en masse today, kneeling to tell the president where to stick the rocket’s red glare. Also as expected, CNN and MSNBC went apoplectic with rage, as Fox, the state news service, defended President Pumpkinhead for telling it like it is.

So dropped was the bait. The switch, however, was made long prior. When he met with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to raise the debt ceiling to cover hurricane relief, a seismic and public victory for Democrats.

If anything, Democrats may be the biggest winners of a Trump presidency, which has been underscored by a singular strategy: Cave when it comes to negotiation, but throw out an impotent-yet-incendiary quote to appease the base.

He did it with Charlottesville. He did it with Joe Arpaio. He’s doing it now. Trump knows that coffee is for closers, and you do anything — anything — to take the sit, make the pitch, and get them to sign on the line that is dotted, as David Mamet once said.

And the media has no choice but to cover the misdirection. What is CNN going to do? Not cover the things he says? Somehow, that would be even less responsible than covering the bullshit.

Perhaps what’s needed is a mandatory warning, like with pharmaceutical commercials. Except instead of a post-commercial disclaimer, this could be superimposed under all stories: Warning: The following is misdirection. Too much attention may result in severe retardation and reverse mortgages.

And I know, Mr. Schumer,  you were caught in a hot mic moment saying that, deep down, Trump “likes us. He likes me, anyway.”

Still, Senator, I wouldn’t expect a call in the morning.