And Would It Kill You to Say ‘Please?’

Special Counsel Robert Mueller leaves the U.S. Capitol on June 21, 2017. (AP/Andrew Harnik)

Robert Mueller didn’t have to enter the Vietnam War. He wasn’t poor and wasn’t drafted. As a student at Princeton, Mueller had ample opportunity to point to his education to defend avoiding a pointless war. Given his academic record, it would be a helluva lot more convincing reason than bone spurs in a foot he could not recall.

But Mueller was shaken by the death of friend and schoolmate David Spencer Hackett during the war, and gave this reason to a reporter for a life dedicated to military service. Image result for David Spencer Hackett

“One of the reasons I went into the Marine Corps was because we lost a very good friend, a Marine in Vietnam, who was a year ahead of me at Princeton,” Mueller said in a 2016 interview. “There were a number of us who felt we should follow his example and at least go into the service. And it flows from there.”

In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader as a second lieutenant with Second Platoon, H Company, 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines, 3rd Marine Division. On December 11, 1968, during an engagement in Operation Scotland II, he earned the Bronze Star with “V” device for combat valor for rescuing a wounded Marine under enemy fire during an ambush in which he saw half of his platoon become casualties.

In April 1969, he received an enemy gunshot wound in the thigh, recovered, and returned to lead his platoon until June 1969. For his service in and during the Vietnam War, his military decorations and awards include: the Bronze Star Medal with Combat “V”, Purple Heart Medal, two Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medals with Combat “V”, Combat Action Ribbon, National Defense Service Medal, Vietnam Service Medal with four service stars, Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross, Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal, and Parachutist Badge.

After returning to the States, he served for 12 years in United States Attorney offices. After all that, he was saddled for two years with the duties of Special Counsel of the investigation into “Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections and related matters.” In other words, two years of servitude freighted by Donnie Dumbo and his oily lackeys. Image result for mueller trump funny

Despite two years of Donnie’s, the GOP’s and Fox News’ subterfuge, he netted netted indictments against 34 people and three entities on nearly 200 separate criminal charges. Five associates of Trump have been convicted, and another, Roger Stone, is awaiting trial. All without a single controversy, instance of press leaks, political grandstanding, or Lester Holt interviews. The guy became a legal Hermit King, earning uniform praise from Democrats despite his being a Republican.

And now, with the 300-page report finished, he will likely see subpoenas to testify before Congress. Hint to Bob: Bring a gas mask and hazmat suit to the hearings to protect yourself from lethal, political gasbaggery during testimony.

What’s worse is that Dems, who pretended to praise and safeguard Mueller to let his investigation run its course, have not even taken to a mike or podium to thank Mueller for all the bullshit he’s had to endure in the name of country.

What despicable cowardice. Even on issues that divide us, from school shootings to hate crimes to collusion, Dems usually know to feign graciousness before serving rapaciousness. How many times have we heard them say, for instance, “First, our prayers go to the family of…” Or when McCain died, how easily the praise trickled from their mouths despite professional difference. Image result for democrats and mccain funeral

Not with Bob. The left has taken Mueller’s report like a colonoscopy, bitching and moaning at every rectal discomfort. Nancy, would it be too much to tell underlings to start with a similar caveat? Something along the lines of, “First, we should all thank Mr. Mueller for his tireless energy in a thankless job…” We know the work was thankless, full stop. But that doesn’t mean you can’t thank, nonetheless.

Or better yet, pass a resolution officially recognizing Mueller’s service — as Special Counsel and beyond. People have won keys to cities for less sacrifice. It would surely be shot down by the GOP, if Sen. “turtle flap” McConnell even allowed it on the floor to the vote. Image result for mcconnell turtle gif

But strike first. Strike nobly. Let the slackwits bicker and bawl, but the high ground is open and unclaimed. So claim it, you slimy, spineless fucktards.

And thank you very much for your time.

See? That wasn’t so hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ

The Blue Path Forward

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I have a psychological problem when it comes to sports. I’m such an irrational fan of my favorite teams I cannot stand to watch them on live TV. I get angry at player mistakes, infuriated by referees’ missed calls, and generally so wound up I cannot watch the event for risk of either smashing my TV to bits or suffering an embolism.

So I created a homeopathic treatment for my emotional disorder: I tape the game, check the score on the web after the contest is over, and either enjoy the victory I know is coming or delete the recording before I watch one second of futility. Image result for tony romo grips helmet

Though I know it’s got to be a deep-rooted psychological imbalance, it’s at least easy to rationalize: If you knew a movie was going to have a bad ending before you bought the ticket, would you still go see it? Similarly: If you knew the flick had a good ending, would you watch it? I know the thrill of watching sports is akin to the adrenaline charge of gambling; the dopamine rush is in the unexpected. But I figure life is uncertain enough. Best to hew to that which you know makes you happy.

I’d offer a similar proposal to Democrats, who, in the wake of the Mueller report, are acting like they just lost the Super Bowl on a blown call. There’s screaming, cursing, crying of injustice. Already, Dems are threatening to subpoena Mueller — a man whose qualities the left raised to the rafters the past two years — to bring him in for questioning under oath. They are demanding to inspect the entire 300-page report themselves. Nancy Pelosi called the GOP “scaredy cats” for its refusal to release the findings, perhaps a fair criticism. Image result for pelosi calls gop scaredy cats

But it’s a useless approach, and a peculiar one. What would the Dems do with the report anyway? In 2000, the Office of Legal Counsel (OLC), a branch of the Justice Department, ruled that a sitting president cannot be indicted; it’s either impeachment or bust. So we knew that Mueller wasn’t going to be walking Trump out in cuffs. And we knew impeachment wasn’t going to result: That requires a two-thirds vote of the Senate. You couldn’t get two-thirds of the Senate to agree sand is dry.

The left’s problem is this: They fail to see the similarity between Trumpism and religion. For years, we’ve heard that this is the piece of evidence that will turn the tide: the Access Hollywood tape; the Stormy Daniels affair; the failed overhaul of Obamacare; the Mueller investigation.

But let’s face the undeniable: Nothing will change a Trumpian mind, just as nothing will turn a believer into a doubter. Faith in Trump is like faith in an afterlife; they have no evidence to support their belief system, but gosh is makes them feel good. Image result for trump and god

Given that, perhaps Dems should try a new approach: acceptance. Better yet, relief.

Fox and the GOP have been gloating since the report’s release, and they have that right. But they were always going to handle the report that way, rejecting news they didn’t like, embracing news they did. As the president has (rightfully) boasted, he could commit murder without consequence. Faith is a bitch; just ask the women of Salem.

Instead, when they’re surrounded by media, why don’t Nancy and Chuck try this tack: Say you’re relieved by the findings. You’re happy with the half dozen convictions and 19 indictments brought about by the investigation. After all, isn’t that actually true? Would you really have wanted to hear, from any top cop investigating any federal officials, from either party, that they are pawns of an enemy state? Does our partisanship infect that deeply? Image result for trump russian spy funny

It’s a tough pill to swallow, to be sure. It’s hard to see righteous, loudmouth fat asses brag. But that’s what we elected and, thus, what we’ve got coming. Remember: Trump’s election was America’ diagnosis of metastatic political cancer. Some vomiting and hair loss is inevitable. And it still may kill us.

But acceptance of foolish faith doesn’t mean you have to abandon sniping. Far from it. If anything, the report allows for some delicious sarcasm from the left, though we’re lousy at that. Imagine if Pelosi were to say the following: “First of all, we’d like to thank Bob Mueller. It was a thankless task, and he was the model of professionalism. Second, we’re actually relieved that Mr. Mueller decided the president of the United States is not a Russian spy. We know the guy is bad, but that would have been tough to deal with, him being a spy and all. Now let’s to fixing things we know he screwed up, like healthcare and tax inequity.” Trump and Hannity would lose their unwrinkled gray minds. And for god’s sake, somebody officially thank Mueller. He served the military, saw battle, and was rewarded with two years of Trump work? He probably envies John McCain at this point.

Or Dems could be even snippier with a single retort: “O.J. was acquitted, too.”

The point is, act like you’ve got a goddamn job to do, which you do. Ultimately, we’re going to have to concede that Trump is that immovable societal object. The answer is not to create an unstoppable force, but an indifferent one.

I better wrap this up. I have several games to delete.

Steven Spielberg’s Homage to the Master

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I’ve never been one for conspiracy theories. But I think I’ve stumbled upon one.

Steven Spielberg was Stanley Kubrick’s prized protege. They talked often, visited each other’s sets, even teamed up to make the underrated film, A.I. Spielberg has always been an immense talent, but let’s face it: Having Stan the Man as your corner cut man is like a writer having Salinger as a writing tutor. If you don’t take advantage of the teachings, you don’t deserve school.

I’ve been doing an inordinate amount of research into Sir Kubrick of late, and discovered a little YouTube nugget of an interview with Spielberg. In it, he sheepishly admitted he did not care for The Shining when he first saw it, and (very) reluctantly told Stanley as much when Kubrick asked his impressions. Only after watching the Jack Nicholson movie a few times, Spielberg spilled in the clip, did he recognize the movie’s genius and, more importantly, its subterfuge.

The Shining, an adaptation of a Stephen King horror movie, is not the haunted house flick audiences (and King) were expecting. I remember Dad’s disappointment when we left the theater. More than 46% of the nation’s critics at the biggest papers in the country gave it a thumbs-down.

Over time, though, its reputation has risen like a zombie with the munchies. Instead of a haunted house story, critics and historians posthumously realized, The Shining is a haunted human story, touching on domestic abuse, alcoholism, even the genocide of the American Indian. The American Film Institute recently named it one of the 30 most thrilling movies in the past century. The AFI also named Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance among the top 25 cinematic villains of all-time. What the AFI failed to note is that Poltergeist, the Disney-fied horror film ostensibly made for kids and families, was secretly a dark homage to Stanley from Spielberg, who wrote and produced the movie.

Try it as I accidentally did: Play The Shining theme over any three minutes of Poltergeist, and you’ll see that the whimsical score and sitcom lighting were simply a ploy to get it a PG rating. But when played with a traditional horror score, the movie feels entirely different — and the images are sheer Kubrickian. Here’s a sample. At 1:20, you’ll swear Stanley rose from the dead for the editing booth:

Now for something less theoretical, FactSlaps:

Chinese princess Xin Zhui’s body, who died in 163 BCE, is so well preserved that her skin is still soft her arms and legs can bend, and her internal organs are still intact.
Camels gave humans the common cold.
Science knows more about coffee, wine and tomatoes than it does about breast milk.
Hugh Jackman was a party clown before being famous.
More people watch online video game play than major cable networks and subscription entertainment services.
The Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest structure, stands 2,716 feet tall. It has 24,000 windows, contains 393,000 cubic yards of concrete and took 22 million man hours to build.
World renowned cellist Yo Yo Ma once left his 266 year old cello, worth $2.5 million, in the back of a NYC taxi. It was returned to him in time for his evening concert.