Say Cheese, For Old Times

Image result for polaroid camera

Nearly 50 years ago, Dr. Edwin Land, the genius who invented the Polaroid/Land Camera, made a cryptic short film — just him in a lab coat wandering through a gutted factory talking about the future of cameras. He pulled out a wallet that looked like an iPhone for size comparison  and spoke of “a camera that would be like, oh, the telephone…our long awaited ultimate camera that is a part of the evolving human being.”

The bold prediction underpins Instant Dreams, a trippy documentary about the film and device that not only made it possible to develop images in less than a minute, but ushered in the very era of immediacy that would eventually kill the Polaroid camera.  As much about the birth of digital photography as the death of the analog process, the film peeks into the lives of aficionados who still favor the point-and-shoot method over digital trickery.

“For a product to be truly new, the world must not be ready for it,” Land said in the home video, which unwittingly forecast the emergence of cell phones when he introduced the Polaroid in February 1947. What Land could not have envisioned were the photographers, artists and others who would not let go of his outdated technology even after his death in 1991 or his company’s demise in 2008.

Directed by Dutch filmmaker Willem Baptist, Dreams follows quirky camera buffs, including German-born artist Stefanie Schneider http://childpsychiatryassociates.com/treatment-team/linda-miller/linda_miller-600/ , who wanders the deserts of the American Southwest in a vintage pink bathrobe and Crocs, taking Polaroid art shots of her hen and whatever model she can engage for the day. She keep a hoard of foil-packet, expiration-dated Polaroid film stockpiled in her vintage fridge because “Colors show up in a very very different way, not what you actually see with your eyes” on these photographs. She relishes even the splotches, bars or streaks, the age-or-light induced imperfections of such images.

We meet  Stephen Herchen, a retired  chemist who continues to work with and touts Polaroid film as one of the most complex analog chemical processes “that’s ever been created.” We meet New York magazine editor Chris Bonanos, author of Instant: The Story of Polaroid, who provides the history the camera and preaches and practices its use, a prophet for an analog religion that has all but disappeared in the digital age.

We hear newsman Lowell Thomas on old newsreels, extolling the virtues of this “new” technology — “press a button, and have a picture.” Long-dead science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke discusses how tricky it is, predicting the future and being ahead of your time, as Land was.

Author Bonanos describes and even demonstrates (Baptist follows him to parties, out in public with his camera) the “social” interchange” that is part of why he thinks of this process as inherently human; waiting for the shot to develop, the writer says, “forces you to make small talk to fill in the moment.” The cameras were criticized back in the day for not providing images as sharp as 35mm film, an idea which Bonanos dismisses — “The eye forgives everything if it’s a good photograph.”

The film also does a canny job of illustrating the camera’s distinctiveness — the Polaroid remains the only camera that does not leave a trace of itself after taking a shot: no negatives, no digital storage capacity. Each picture, Dreams underscores, is distinct unto itself, like a fingerprint or snowflake.

What’s missing from the film is the sense of fun the camera itself provided. The score is often brooding, the testimonies of its demise usually melancholy. There’s little whimsy here, including the beauty of tactile connection with old technology, from wrist watches to turntables to instant cameras. Dreams could have used a scene or two shot in the fun, washed out, overexposed tone that made Polaroid so distinct. And it completely ignores the commercial resurgence of instant cameras; a casual glance at Amazon demonstrates instant film is hardly dead.

Which is a relief. Instant Dreams can be too somber at times, but, like the film itself, give it some time and its beauty comes into focus.

The Crown of Thorns

 

Leave it to president Numb Nuts to add a dumbness to every tragedy to afflict the earth (being one, I guess). Here’s what he tweeted.

So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out. Must act quickly!

10:39 AM – 15 Apr 2019
Of course, leave it to the fake news outlets to counter with facts. Following the tweet, the Trumpanzanian response to the it — a deluge of haranguing calls to American fire agencies to assist along with unsolicited advice for French firefighters (all of whom are former military by law) — led to this clarification by the International Association of Firefighters:
“Water is heavy,” an IAF spokesman told the 24/7 news outlets. “You can’t dump that much water on a lead roof. It would collapse.”
Thankfully, the French again dismissed the president as a clown with a bullhorn and put the fire out their own way, saving the spire and roof — and keeping alive hope it can be rebuilt. So we’ll similarly leave dumbass out of it for this memorial addition of Factslaps, dedicated to the awesome, hallowed structure that survived two world wars and Nazi occupation:
  • Notre Dame de Paris was built between 1163 and 1345. Its construction was ordered by Maurice de Sully, the Bishop of Paris, in 1160.
  • Notre Dame is located in the heart of Paris, on the Ile de la Cite.
  • Notre Dame was one of the world’s largest religious buildings.
  • Notre Dame was designed in a French Gothic style of architecture.
  • Notre Dame’s twin towers were 226 feet tall and had 387 steps.
  • The largest bell in Notre Dame was located in the South Tower. The bell was 28,000 pounds. It was known as the Emmanuel Bell and was created in 1681. It was rung to mark the hours each day and on special occasions.
  • The magnificent stained glass windows in Notre Dame were original to its construction in the 1200s.
  • Approximately 13 million people visit Notre Dame every year, making it the most popular monument in France. More people visit Notre Dame than the Eiffel Tower. It is free to enter the cathedral.
  • The Hunchback of Notre Dame was written by Victor Hugo in an effort to increase the public appreciation for the cathedral.
  • In 1804 Pope Pius VII was invited by Napoleon to come to Notre Dame so that he could be crowned emperor. At the last minute Napoleon put the crown on his own head to crown himself instead.
  • The Crown of Thorns was kept at Notre Dame, along with one of the Holy Nails, and a fragment of the True Cross.
  • There were many small statues on the outside of Notre Dame that were placed there to serve as water spouts and to support columns.
  • The Cornerstone for Notre Dame was laid in 1163, signaling the beginning of construction.
  • In 1182 the choir and Apse were completed.
  • The work to build the western façade began in 1200. The western façade was completed in 1225.
  • In 1250 the western towers and the north rose window were completed.
  • Between 1250 and 1345 the remainder of Notre Dame was completed.
  • A crypt was built in 1965 to house the ruins discovered there during construction. The crypt was called the Archaeological Crypt of the Paris Notre-Dame.
  • Based on a 1905 law, Notre Dame is owned by the French State, but the Catholic Church has right to use it forever.

 

No MAGA Hat Required

Image result for sitting on the fence

I’ve sat on the fence too long. You see, it’s a picket one, constructed of splendid splinters. So it’s a bit rough on the ass. But I digress.

I’ve decided to enter my name in the Democratic presidential race. I would have announced more formally than this, but Jack n the Box refused to reserve parking lot space for the press announcement. And after all the lobbying dollars I threw their way…

Anyway, I’m running, joining the other 237 candidates. Unlike those hopefuls, however, I believe in coming out with policy statements immediately out of the gate. And since my likely opponent, Cap’n Bone Spurs, and his evangelical base are so concerned with the candidates’ positions on crotches (why is that, by the way? The GOP lately has been an acronym for Groin of Preference), I figure I better come out with my general positions on people’s dangly bits.

  • First and foremost: I support the right to genitalia.
  • In terms of exercising said right:  I wholeheartedly support right of choice. In fact, under a Bowlesian administration, only women will have a vote on the abortion issue. If only one gender shoulders the burden of an issue, they should have the right to determine its fate. Until a man can force a bowling ball through his puckered sphincter, we should shut the fuck up on the topic (And let’s be fair: if a proposition arose, say, calling for mandatory circumcision, only men would get to vote on that).
  • Gay marriage. Last week, Kentucky passed a state law banning bestiality. Really. Last week. It’s not that it’s an absurd law, only that Kentucky yahoos need to be legally told not to fuck Spot. But let’s not go overboard; my administration not only supports gay marriage, but you should have the right to marry the family turtle if the love is there — as long as you have the animal’s written consent.

Beyond the dangly bits, some other campaign planks:

The electoral college: Gone.

Daylight Savings Time: Gone

Political ads on Facebook: Fucking gone.

Gun control: Buy a bazooka if you want. But all gun owners, like car owners, must pass a written and road test if you want to exercise the privilege of ownership. The system would work exactly like auto licensing: You must show proficiency to practice, and paperwork to own. And don’t give me this slippery slope bullshit. Americans haven’t been forced to buy hybrids or electric cars by requiring licensing.

Yet the need has never been greater for licensing. According to the Center for Disease Control, there were 39,773 gun deaths in 2017, the most recent year available, up by more than 1,000 from the year before. Nearly two-thirds were suicides. It was the largest yearly total on record in the C.D.C.’s electronic database, which goes back 50 years, and reflects the sheer number of lives lost. You need to prove you can operate an Acura, but not an AK-14?

Now for matters less contentious, Factslaps:

  • Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva is a rare genetic disease which causes damaged soft tissue to regrow as bone.
  • “Stan”, from the Eminem song with the same name, was added to the Oxford English Dictionary, defining it as “an overzealous or obsessive fan of a particular celebrity.”Image result for eminem stan
  • In Northern Ireland, women earn 3.4% than men on average.
  • Today’s human population is descended from twice as many women as men. About 80% of women reproduced, whereas only 40% of men did.Image result for early woman caveman
  • 4.6 million Americans were severely behind on payments on student loans in 2017.
  • The average American throws away 70 pounds of clothes a year.Image result for pile of goodwill clothes
  • Corporatocracy is a term used to refer to an economic and political system controlled by corporate interests.
  • Every winter, great white sharks swim for 40 days to meet up between Mexico and Hawaii, and nobody knows why.Image result for pair of great whites