The Tweet Science Wanted to Send

Charkhi Dādri To hear science tell it, here’s how they’d likely put last week’s news nugget: “Kimberly Guilfoyle, a 51-year-old California native, tested positive for COVID-19, joining a staggering 2.92 million Americans who have contracted the virus, which has already killed more than 132,000 U.S. citizens and more than a half million Earth residents since December 2019.”

Science is just too reserved and self-respecting to tell the American public, Seeeee?

I, however, have no such restraint or self respect, nor a reason find either. So let me tell you what science wanted to say when it saw the headlines.We found it in a file labeled “when I’m dead and gone” after we hacked the lord’s computer to decipher the message many believe was sent from the heavens but wound up in our cultural spam box:

Dear mankind,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA🤡🤡🤡🤧🤧🤧☠️

With all due respect and peer-reviewed fuck off,

Copernicus Q. DarwinStein

ps. Scientology is the one true religion.

The Royal Nap

How to Take the Perfect Nap - Elemental I’ve seen people doing some crazy shit while in lockdown during the pandemic: salsa lessons in the mirror; workouts with pumpkins; reading.

Ironically, the one thing we aren’t doing seems to be getting rest.

It’s understandable. COVID-19 is a wicked bender. Sundays blend to Mondays, work to weekends, weeks to months, Julys to Novembers (just watch).

In response, I propose we treat a forgotten luxury more luxuriously: the common nap.

We take them for granted. Grab them on the fly. Squeeze one in when we can find the time (which somehow still seems limited).

Instead, how about making a ritual of the routine? After all, there will come a time, COVID or not, when we will not be able to indulge the indulgence. So while we’re at it, how about recognizing the baffling beauty of a sun-dappled nod-off?

Consider the difficulty Americans have with the nation of slumber. We can’t fall asleep. We can’t wake up. Our mattresses suck (if you believe those Sealy pawns). Our sleep numbers are off. How to Fall Asleep: 8 Sleep Hacks for Falling Asleep Faster - Purple

Why, then, are naps so easy? Is it the guilty pleasure, the feeling we’re getting away with something? Is our circadian rhythm naturally set to siestas? Whatever the reason, the time has come to make naps as celebrated a ritual as a formal dinner. So here’s a how-to guide to a fully-experienced drift: (Note, this can only be done with a cooperating child, mate or pet that will allow you 1.5-2 hours of unadulterated dozing):

Set the thermostat to 5 degrees below normal.
With the lights out, take a warm shower.
Don’t soap or shampoo. You can do that another time. Instead, close your eyes and imagine yourself as the granite beneath a cascading waterfall. Hear the rush. Feel the rush.
Stay as long as you wish. Indulge the water. This is The Royal Nap.
When you’ve felt the tensions largely leave your body, get out, dry and put on your favorite undergarments.
Go to the coolest, darkest room in your home. Close the door. Seal out all light.
Turn on a fan; generate white noise and a breeze.
Lay face down in the bed, even if don’t sleep face down.
Close your eyes.
Begin the checklist: from your eyelids to your toes, think of every body part as you mentally scan down. Release the tension in every muscle. Relax every joint.
Begin to feel the weight of your limp body. Feel every limb become leaden, loose and heavy as you sink deeper and deeper into the mattress.
Think about breathing through your nose, about how you seem to sink a little lower, weigh a little more, with each full breath out.
Finally, shift to the side you sleep on. It should be a little effort to even roll over now.
Settle into the covers, into the bed, into the bliss of unconsciousness.
Feel the weight of your steady exhalations. Feel the sinking…
…and have a good nap…

Don’t Masquerade with the Guy in Shades, Oh No

Super Tuesday: Joe Biden fundraisers see surge in new donor ...

In honor of National Sunglasses Day, which occurred this weekend, we present FactSlaps, the Ray Ban remix. And don’t forget to check out the link below for a word from our sponsored (though we don’t carry shades…yet).

The first sunglasses were invented sometime in 12th century China as a crude slab of smoked quartz held against the face to block sunlight. These darkened lenses, made only for the very wealthy, were not vision-corrected, nor did they protect against harmful UV rays. They were also worn by judges in Chinese courts to conceal their facial expressions while questioning witnesses.
In 1929, Sam Foster sold the first pair of sunglasses, Foster Grants, at the Woolworth on Atlantic City Boardwalk. He started the Foster Grant Company in 1919 to make combs.
In 1936, Edwin H. Land combined his lens making skills with his patented Polaroid filter, creating the first polarized “sunnies.”
With the impending World War II in 1936, Ray-Ban designed anti-glare aviator style sunglasses, using polarized lens technology created by Edwin H. Land, founder of the Polaroid Corporation. They also developed a slightly drooping frame perimeter to maximally shield an aviator’s eyes, which repeatedly glanced downward toward a plane’s instrument panel. Fliers were issued the glasses at no charge, and the public in 1937 was able to purchase the model that banned the sun’s rays as Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses.
Ray-Ban sold 10 million units worldwide in 1998. The best-known model, the Wayfarer, has been available since 1953 and is reported to be the best-selling style in history. It was made famous by many celebrities including the Blues Brothers.
With more than 1,000 and counting, Elton John is rumored to have the largest personal collection of sunshades.
Most characters from the movie The Matrix wore sunglasses. Interestingly, all of the protagonists wear rounded lenses, while the antagonists wear rectangular lenses.