Nothing to do but drowse and dream, when sunlight slants through windows and the house holds its breath.
You trust the world completely, gentle beast of earth and hearth.
What is it about your stillness that makes me pause? You’ve found the secret: the holiness of rest, the revolution of surrender.
Tell me, soft prophet, what god speaks in your dreams? What wild wisdom runs beneath that maroon velvet?
I want to learn how to give myself to the day as fully as you do, how to make an altar of any quiet corner, how to believe I belong exactly here.
Peter Marshall: “Eddie Fisher recently said, ‘I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.’ Who was he referring to?” Paul Lynde: “His fans.”
Marshall: “According to Tony Randall, ‘Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…’ what?” Lynde: “Bitterly disappointed.”
Marshall: “Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?” Lynde: “Gee, I don’t remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn’t buy their cookies.”
Marshall: “Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?” Lynde: “No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.”
Marshall: “Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?” Lynde: “Full speed ahead!”
Marshall: “What are ‘dual-purpose cattle’ good for that other cattle aren’t?” Lynde: “They give milk… and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.”
Marshall: “Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?” Lynde: “Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.”
Marshall: “According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?” Lynde: “11.”
Marshall: “What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?” Lynde: “Point and laugh!”
Marshall: “In ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?” Lynde: “He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.”
Marshall: “In the Shakespearean play ‘King Lear,’ King Lear had three of them – Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?” Lynde: “King Lear had Goneril?”
Marshall: “Paul, everyone knows the first verse: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?” Lynde : [singing] “Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning.” [audience laughs] “How disgusting… that poor sailor!”
Marshall: “True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?” Lynde: “From ONE midnight ride?”
Marshall: “Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. What was it?” Lynde: “Let’s see… toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?” Marshall: “Now cut that out!” Lynde: “Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?”
Here’s an ad you won’t see this election year, but should: The migrant crime crisis is bullshit.
It’s a convenient, easy scapegoat used to justify harsh policies, sow division, and fuel the fearmongering machine that keeps their poll numbers afloat. But when you strip away the hysteria and actually look at the data, the truth is clear: migrants don’t drive crime.
Let’s get one thing straight. Migrants are fleeing violence, persecution, and economic despair. They aren’t coming to your country to commit crimes—they’re coming to escape them.
And yet, conservative leaders and media outlets continue to sell this fear that somehow, immigrants are turning neighborhoods into war zones.
It’s a lazy, harmful narrative with no statistical backbone. If anything, it’s a reflection of how little politicians want to focus on the real causes of crime—like poverty, inequality, and broken social systems.
But don’t just take my word for it. Let’s look at the numbers:
• According to a 2018 DOJ and DHS report, non-citizens make up only 6.4% of the federal prison population, despite being 13.7% of the U.S. population.
• The American Immigration Council found that immigrants are less likely to commit serious crimes than native-born citizens, with increased immigration correlating with decreases in violent crime.
• FBI data reveals that as immigration increased over the past several decades, violent crime rates dropped significantly across the U.S., with no evidence linking higher immigration to more crime.
These are the facts. Yet, we’re bombarded with news stories that magnify the rare instances of crime committed by immigrants, creating the illusion that migrant crime is rampant. It’s not.
The migrant crime myth thrives because fear is a hell of a motivator. But it’s time we started demanding more from our leaders than using immigrants as political piñatas.
It’s not the migrants who are the problem. It’s the bullshit narrative that blames them for everything wrong in society. And that’s what needs to change.
