Category Archives: The Evidentialism Files

The Oldest I’ve Ever Been So Far


When I was a kid, I never pictured myself old. Not because I thought I’d be some tragic hero taken too soon, but because I was told—quietly, clinically—that old probably wasn’t in the cards.

Juvenile Diabetes isn’t known for granting lifetime memberships. It’s a ticket you get early, and you ride it hard. You hear words like “incurable,” and they cling to you like static. You don’t grow up with that. You grow around it.

So I picked a number. Not the usual ones people pick. Not 100, or 80, or whatever birthday they slap on a mug at the Hallmark store.

I picked 60. I don’t remember why. Maybe it sounded ancient to a 13-year-old. Or maybe it was the age I thought I’d never get to, and if I did, well then I’d win. Whatever the game was, I’d win it.

Or maybe, as I grew closer to it, I realized how many friends and family never saw that number. My kid sister. My high school buddy. The mayor of dogtown, in his sleep.

This week, I turned 60.

Only, I didn’t feel like I turned 60. I felt like I crossed a border and became a man in his sixties. A phrase that sounds like it should belong to someone with a gold watch and a fondness for porch swings.

But to me, it felt like being let out early for good behavior. Sixty didn’t feel like a deadline. It felt like a parole.

On the day, there was no great party. No confetti. Just a quiet morning where I woke up and realized I had arrived.

Not just at a number, but at a feeling. The sense that everything from here on out is borrowed—and I have no intention of giving it back. I started counting forward, not down.

That might be the most surprising thing. How much joy there is in getting older once you stop treating it like a funeral procession.

The world wants you to dread it. Whole industries exist to make you fear your next birthday. The creams, the serums, the euphemisms. “Sixty is the new forty,” they say, as if sixty were a crime you had to alibi.

But I don’t want to be forty. Forty was great, but it was noisy. Forty still felt like a test. Sixty—sixty is permission.

And maybe that’s the trick: picking your number. Not in a fatalistic way. But in a way that gives you a benchmark, a lighthouse in the fog.

Mine was sixty. I made it. And I liked it so much, I’m staying a while. Hell, I might stretch it out. Sixty-two sounds pretty good. Sixty-eight has a nice ring to it.

So I recommend it. Find your number. Pick it young. And when you get there, don’t mourn the years. Celebrate the miracle. You made it past the myth. You arrived in your own future.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll find it’s quieter than expected. And beautiful in ways no one warned you about.

Spun

Spun

I woke to the clatter
between wind and word,
the light not rising
but blooming—
soft as breath caught
on the edge of deciding.

A crow passes overhead
without shadow.
A stone turnes itself over
in the stream
and begins again.

Time is not a clock,
but a fern,
unfurling its memory
with no urgency,
no apology.

I am decades lived,
six so far—
and still the grass kneels
under my step,
still the world
tries to tell me something
in the flick of a yes,
in the flash before thunder.

A spider repairs her web
between the ribs of a gate.
The air tastes of iron
and oranges.

It is more than enough
to have arrived,
to still
be arriving.

Valley Hymn

Valley Hymn

They laugh
when I say I like it here—
like I’ve confused heat with holiness.

But there’s something
about a place that doesn’t lie.
The Valley never pretends.
It just spreads itself—
wide, cracked, sweating—
beneath a sky that doesn’t give a damn.

It’s in the way the sun leaks
down the liquor store wall at 6:42 p.m.,
in the power lines
holding hands across boulevards.

Out here,
no one chases dreams.
They work beside them.
The dreams drive for Instacart.
They sell roofing.
They play synth in a band
still deciding what to call itself.

God lives
in the hum of a laundromat on Tuesday afternoons.
No one notices.

Keep your oceans.
The Valley doesn’t need a view.
It is one—
burned and aching and alive.
All blister and bloom.