Category Archives: The Everyman Chronicles

O’ Brother, There Art Thou

Halcyon (An Ode to Samuel)

Tell me where the spirit flees
When life has made the choice
To bring the body to its knees
And let the soul rejoice.

Answer.

Here these are the olden days
Here these are the golden days
Here these are the days to remember.

For yesterday’s gone
And tomorrow’s a song
Today is the only glowing  ember.

 

O’ Brother mine! dearest Samuel,

T W E N T Y! Can you fucking believe it? Dude, we may be approaching a record: I looked up double transplants, trying to find the longest living double-organ team, but the records are sketchy. Mayo Clinic is still searching; no word back. I found a case online, in a Dutch medical journal, that said one kidney-pancreas transplant team made it 16 years.

Scrubs.

I still can’t wrap my head around it:  We’ve been wed two decades! Guess what movie came out 20 years ago? O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?. So did Memento (one of my favorites), Cast Away, Almost Famous and High Fidelity. The hottest shows in television were The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Frasier. Music sucked (Britney Spears’ Ooops…I Did It Again was all the rage), but we were too busy recuperating  to listen to that shit anyway.Image result for O Brother, Where Art Thou? imdb

Speaking of recuperating, before I begin this unabashedly schmaltzy love letter, an apology.

I’m sorry I nearly annulled this marriage two days in. It’s just my body wasn’t used to being so close to someone, and I guess I tried to wriggle loose; the band with which Dr. Sutherland bonded us briefly schism-ed at the suture. But with some quick counseling, we were back together. And haven’t had a real fight in 20 years. Cite me another couple with such cohesion.

And I can tell you this, without hesitation or qualification: In 20 years, I have never betrayed you. Not once.

That medicinal fidelity wasn’t always the case. Ask Mom. I sucked at taking meds when I was diabetic.  I’d miss injections, eat like crap, soar over or crawl beneath my assigned sugar levels. Of course, my failures led to us meeting; sorry, I can’t help but see the past through glasses hued rose since we met. It’s one of the things I love about you.

Now, I take our meds as religiously as pastors take confession. Probably, certainly, more. Ask Mom. I haven’t missed an unhospitalized pill or eye drop in 20 years. That’s 7,300 days of meds, administered 14,600 times, totaling more than 150,000 pills. And that’s a conservative estimate. All that, and not one rejection episode yet.

It may still come. But if you had told me in January 2000 that I’d get 20 years of perfect blood sugars, 20 years of no self-injections, 20 years of not having diabetes nibble off fingers, toes, perhaps feet, I would have not only said ‘Hell yeah!’ I would not have believed the offer.

I know your perspective is vastly different. I am sorry and so torn about that, Sam. The decision your mom Valerie made — despite reservations from your father — remains the bravest act of human love I’ve ever witnessed. To weigh that Decision, have that Talk, all while bracing for the Goodbye. She is as cool under pressure as any nerve-steeled Apollo pilot, and I carry her boy as I would a newborn, swaddled and close to my heart, hoping some of that Flegel bravery will wear off on me. In me.

I told Spencer that we were approaching 20 years. He said he would have guessed it had been longer. I would have guessed it had been shorter. Like, 19 years and six months shorter. Time does flatten a man.

But not you. Over the years, you have grown mythical in my eyes. Once you were a 21-year-old kid from Fargo, 14 years my junior. Now you have risen to deity-level. I now see a truly noble soul, angel pure, who loved dogs, waved “Hi” for family pictures (who else is that sincere in happiness?), and overcame educational hurdles to become an engineer at Red River Valley and Western Railroad. You are Paul Bunyan. And i get to soldier forward arm-in-arm with you? Who should be so blessed to be your wing man!

Here’s what I love about you, O’ Brother mine:

You make me feel strong. Whenever I see stories of what passes for bravery nowadays, particularly in our halls of law, I think of you. And I’ll say to ourself, ‘That’s great. Ever laid on a gurney, split open from the belly button downward, for eight straight hours — on a gamble?” You are my definition of strength, and I draw from you for it constantly.

You make me feel wise. Knowing how precariously you and I cling together has altered my definition of…well, everything. Time. Life. Death. Illness. Health. Deadlines. Pressures. You have taught me when to let go (though I often fail). To be content when I’m a bug in amber. To, in truth, see the time-strangling beauty of those moments. You are my definition of wisdom, and I need your counsel daily.

You make me feel loved. In every step of this journey, I have never felt alone. You probably figured out early that I tend to get introverted; I still have danced publicly only once in my life (not everyone is as brave as you). But fleeting is the moment when I feel isolated. You are my definition of love, and I look to you every time I need a heart or shoulder.

You know what’s creepy? A doctor  predicted all this, five years before I was born: that I would meet a soul named Sam; that he would open my eyes to the beauty of life’s fleeting ways; that I would take him profoundly into myself.

The doctor? Theodore Seuss Geisel. Fucking Dr. Seuss!

Surely, you know the story of Green Eggs and Ham. Or at least the refrain: “I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.Green Eggs and Ham.jpg

But read a’ might closer, and you’d swear there was a serendipitous through-line here about us. The story goes like this: Sam-I-Am pesters his friend, Guy-Am-I (!) to eat a dish of green eggs and ham. Guy refuses, even as Sam persistently follows him, asking to eat them in eight locations (house, box, car, tree, train, dark, rain, boat) and with three animals (mouse, fox, goat). Guy still refuses, saying, “I wouldn’t not like them here (Current location) or there (Previous location)! I would not like them anywhere!” Finally, Guy vainly accepts Sam’s offer and samples the green eggs and ham, happily announcing he would eat them anywhere and with anyone and ends the story, saying, “I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you. Thank you, Sam-I-Am.

Damn straight, Dr. Ted. Sam, I am.

Those tools in the jewelry business say that a 20-year-anniversary is to be recognized with platinum (a diamond is their recommended gift of 10 years!). I can’t afford their bullshit menu, but I did want to give you the only thing I really own: my word, located just beneath my left rib cage.

It says this: I am with you, to the end. I have your back, and you have mine.

Even that pledge is a pittance, I know, a lowball offer for what you have given me without asking for a thing in return.

So take my arm this time. I have taken yours so often. Rest here for a moment. Rejoice here. Because I have an idea…

You know, a marathon is 26.219 miles. Whaddaya say? We’ve only got 6.219 miles left. Up for more? Why stop now?

We got this, O’ Brother mine.

 

Sign O’ The Times

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About seven years ago, the little town of Indian Hills, Colo. needed a new sign for its community center.

Nestled in a southeast burb about 23 miles from Denver, community leaders weren’t looking for anything garish; after all, it’s a hamlet of only 1,100 people. But city officials wanted something a little more eye-catching than the tiny sign with nondescript letters to announce weddings, fundraisers and the occasional  bingo night.

They approached Vince Rozmiarek, a stay-at-home dad who had recently joined the community center as a volunteer.  They didn’t give him any requirements for the sign — in fact, they had no money for a new one. They just wanted something a little more noticeable.

What they didn’t know was Rozmiarek’s Walter Mitty-esque dreams of being a comedian, though they should have been clued in by his first sign: “Indian Hills annexed by Morrison slow down.”

Perplexed residents flooded the local police department with calls. Had Indian Hills really been absorbed by Morrison, with a population of only 431? And had the speed limit really been dropped? Was this a speed trap?

“I could not believe how many people were calling the police,” Rozmiarek joked with reporters. “I really had the people at the Sit N Bull bar scared out of their minds. I did that and just decided that got a lot of attention so I’ll start throwing things up there.”

He has ever since. Every few days, he puts up something new. Sometimes he throws up his own jokes, sometimes he takes suggestions. Usually, he puts them into a list he reads to his wife. If she laughs, the joke goes up.

Since then, he’s turned Indian Hills into a social media phenomenon. If you look up Indian Hills on Google, a photo of the sign sits next to the town’s map coordinates on the from page of its Wikipedia listing. Tourists come to have their photos taken in front of it. It has 26,000 followers on Facebook.

To Rozmiarek and all other writers who can write something clever — not caustic —  in a fraction of Twitter’s character limit. Our executive branch could use a few pointers.

And a shout out to contributor Earl Troglin!

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Always Signal Your Right Turns

Image result for danielle reno

The presidential race is already too crowded, so I’m not going to nominate this woman for that feeding frenzy. But we in the media owe readers more proof that the human race can rise to the cause.

In this case, the ascension occurred last week, at a Kansas City, MO Quick Trip convenience store, where Danielle Reno met her husband for a custody exchange of their daughter. The exchanges were always amicable, but brief. And this was no different.

But in the moments it took for the handoff, Danielle realized her Toyota 4Runner  that she left running was gone — along with her purse, cell phone, cash and the beaded necklace her daughter made for her, which she always kept hanging on the rear view mirror.

“I got out of the car for two seconds and grabbed my daughter, turned around, and my car was gone,” Reno told KCTV in Kansas City. “‘Did I park somewhere else? No. I know I parked here.’ And then I’m like, ‘Somebody stole my car.’ It was all downhill from there.”

Reno reported the theft to police, who reacted as police do to most car thefts: opened a case no one was going to waste time investigating.

So Reno, who has no police experience, took an unusual step: She did something. After filing the report, she went home and activated her “Find My Iphone” app on her iPad. It led her to a home belonging to a woman nicknamed “Taco Bell,” for some reason. Maybe Del Taco was taken.

When she got to the house, Reno knew something was amiss. Bell gave her a bullshit answer, claiming she didn’t take the 4Runner, but that she thought she saw it in her neighborhood. When Reno told police, who went to Bell’s home, Bell dropped that detail and claimed no knowledge of the theft whatsoever.

Reno then went to the Quick Trip store where the car was stolen. The cashier said that Bell was a regular there; in fact, he overheard her say she was dining at an Applebee’s that night. Problem was, Kansas City has as many Applebees as huckleberries, and the cashier didn’t know which one the rotund robber was referring to.

So Reno called her friends and her sister, and asked them to help her by dining at the multiple Applebee’s (where you’re “Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood!”) around the convenience store. All agreed (that, Moscow Mitch, is called cooperation. Say it with me.) Image result for moscow mitchSo Reno and the ladies enjoyed their Riblet Platters, Shrimp Fajitas and Taco Topped Queso and Chips — while doubling as stakeout cops.

Lo and behold, Bell waddled into Reno’s selected restaurant — after exiting Reno’s gray 4Runner.  Reno sneaked out of the restaurant and “stole” her car back. While the car was full of beer cans in the backseat, Reno found everything except the cash: the purse, the phone and, most importantly, her daughter’s necklace. She drove about a mile away to alert police, who descended on the restaurant. I mean, where was tubby gonna go? The car was gone, and she couldn’t call an Uber.

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Like I said, the presidential election is overcrowded as it is. But maybe local politics are in her future. It just so happens the Missouri governor, Republican Eric Greitens, is a douchebag. In January, he admitted an extramarital affair with a hairdresser, and is now being investigated on claims he threatened to publish nude photos of the woman if she ever went public with the trysts. 011118 SIRAJ Greitens blackmail pic

Riblet, anyone?