Category Archives: The Contrarian

The I.I. Word

Image result for mueller press conference

There were three epiphanies in last week’s testimony from Special Counsel Robert Mueller regarding his investigation of the president:

  1.  Journalistically is the clearest way to write, hands down.
  2.  Robert Mueller is not a good writer.
  3. Congress has a workaround the “I word,” as Donnie has begun calling it, and it’s pretty simple.

First, the hearing validated journalistic writing. Take your legal, medical, academic and technical literacy jargon and stick ’em in a book somewhere to sell em to your students. Why do you think Mueller’s press conference grabbed so much more attention than his two years’ of research? Because he had to speak succinctly, plainly and clearly, which is isn’t the first rule of journalism; it’s the only rule. There’s a reason America’s greatest writers — Hemingway, Steinbeck, Faulkner, Salinger, Vonnegut — employed  the style.Image result for Hemingway, Steinbeck, Faulkner, Salinger, Vonnegut

Second, Bob could have really used a good copy editor. There’s no arguing the investigation was an opus of thorough legalese: 2 years’ investigation, three dozen indictments, hundreds of witnesses and not one leak. It’s 448 pages of legal prowess. Yet what’s the Adiwerna one line you remember from the entire affair? “If there was evidence exonerating the president, we would have said so.” Again, it came from the press conference. But more importantly, why not write that in the report, first page? In fact, go a step further: The first page of the tome should have been a journalistically-penned synopsis, summarizing the Russian hacking, the 5 specific incidents of obstruction and that Trump was not out of the woods; far from it.

Mueller also could have used a memorable conclusion, essential in solid writing. Here’s where a journalistic final page would have come in handy, when Mueller could explain that he’s not prosecuting Trump, but simply gathering facts for a grand jury. And Congress is the grand jury. Write that! Again, a bulleted, numbered list parenthetically enclosing the gist of the case would have dictated the narrative, instead of relying on two impromptu press conferences to clarify findings that Trump’s lackeys intentionally muddied.Image result for bob barr funny

And finally, the talk that’s dominated the post-Mueller conference has been impeachment. Rightfully, it’s a sticky wicket for the 237 presidential candidates. Trump seems to want one (it would provide his base the red meat of a new “witch hunt”), and Pelosi (who saw Bill Clinton’s post-impeachment surge in popularity polls) knows the gesture would die in the Senate before it passed even one of the flaps of Mitch McConnell’s neck.Image result for pelosi

But there’s a clear third option: impeachment inquiry. In that outdated relic we call the U.S. Constitution is a little loophole that allows the House of Representatives to launch an impeachment inquiry against any president. According to federal law, the House Judiciary Committee first can hold hearings to investigate whether impeachment is warranted. This can include calling witnesses, collecting documents and debating whether the behavior in question constitutes an impeachable offense, which the Constitution only ambiguously defines. The inquiry would culminate in the panel either voting to recommend that the full House approve one or more articles of impeachment, or deciding not to make any such recommendation. It’s been launched twice, against Nixon and Clinton, and is precisely the tool to use on Trump.

What a gift horse Dems seemed determined to look in the mouth. This middle ground would allow Dems on the fence to stay perched there while aggressive Dems subpoena the shit out of the president and his cronies. And there’s no timetable for when the Judiciary Committee has to take a vote. So take your time. If the GOP can string along Merrick Garland for a year without a Supreme Court vote, surely the Dems can take two on a matter exponentially more important. Strategically, it could be politically astute: You couldn’t buy as much negative advertisement as you’d get from seeing Trump’s slackwits sweat it out in a courtroom. PLUS: You get to dismiss any Trump assertion by simply pointing out ‘This from the guy under investigation for impeachment,” a tag that could stick well into 2020 Sure it’s vague. But it’s accurate.

So why the hesitancy to move for inquiry? In short, guts. It died with John McCain.  But I find these questions best addressed in reverse order. If this doesn’t qualify for an impeachment inquiry, what would? Buck up, wingers. You may have expected Mueller to trot Trump out of the White House in handcuffs. But he’s done something nearly as effective: He’s deputized you.

And Would It Kill You to Say ‘Please?’

Special Counsel Robert Mueller leaves the U.S. Capitol on June 21, 2017. (AP/Andrew Harnik)

Robert Mueller didn’t have to enter the Vietnam War. He wasn’t poor and wasn’t drafted. As a student at Princeton, Mueller had ample opportunity to point to his education to defend avoiding a pointless war. Given his academic record, it would be a helluva lot more convincing reason than bone spurs in a foot he could not recall.

But Mueller was shaken by the death of friend and schoolmate David Spencer Hackett during the war, and gave this reason to a reporter for a life dedicated to military service.Image result for David Spencer Hackett

“One of the reasons I went into the Marine Corps was because we lost a very good friend, a Marine in Vietnam, who was a year ahead of me at Princeton,” Mueller said in a 2016 interview. “There were a number of us who felt we should follow his example and at least go into the service. And it flows from there.”

In July 1968, he was sent to South Vietnam, where he served as a rifle platoon leader as a second lieutenant with Second Platoon, H Company, 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines, 3rd Marine Division. On December 11, 1968, during an engagement in Operation Scotland II, he earned the Bronze Star with “V” device for combat valor for rescuing a wounded Marine under enemy fire during an ambush in which he saw half of his platoon become casualties.

In April 1969, he received an enemy gunshot wound in the thigh, recovered, and returned to lead his platoon until June 1969. For his service in and during the Vietnam War, his military decorations and awards include: the Bronze Star Medal with Combat “V”, Purple Heart Medal, two Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medals with Combat “V”, Combat Action Ribbon, National Defense Service Medal, Vietnam Service Medal with four service stars, Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross, Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal, and Parachutist Badge.

After returning to the States, he served for 12 years in United States Attorney offices. After all that, he was saddled for two years with the duties of Special Counsel of the investigation into “Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections and related matters.” In other words, two years of servitude freighted by Donnie Dumbo and his oily lackeys. Image result for mueller trump funny

Despite two years of Donnie’s, the GOP’s and Fox News’ subterfuge, he netted netted indictments against 34 people and three entities on nearly 200 separate criminal charges. Five associates of Trump have been convicted, and another, Roger Stone, is awaiting trial. All without a single controversy, instance of press leaks, political grandstanding, or Lester Holt interviews. The guy became a legal Hermit King, earning uniform praise from Democrats despite his being a Republican.

And now, with the 300-page report finished, he will likely see subpoenas to testify before Congress. Hint to Bob: Bring a gas mask and hazmat suit to the hearings to protect yourself from lethal, political gasbaggery during testimony.

What’s worse is that Dems, who pretended to praise and safeguard Mueller to let his investigation run its course, have not even taken to a mike or podium to thank Mueller for all the bullshit he’s had to endure in the name of country.

What despicable cowardice. Even on issues that divide us, from school shootings to hate crimes to collusion, Dems usually know to feign graciousness before serving rapaciousness. How many times have we heard them say, for instance, “First, our prayers go to the family of…” Or when McCain died, how easily the praise trickled from their mouths despite professional difference.Image result for democrats and mccain funeral

Not with Bob. The left has taken Mueller’s report like a colonoscopy, bitching and moaning at every rectal discomfort. Nancy, would it be too much to tell underlings to start with a similar caveat? Something along the lines of, “First, we should all thank Mr. Mueller for his tireless energy in a thankless job…” We know the work was thankless, full stop. But that doesn’t mean you can’t thank, nonetheless.

Or better yet, pass a resolution officially recognizing Mueller’s service — as Special Counsel and beyond. People have won keys to cities for less sacrifice. It would surely be shot down by the GOP, if Sen. “turtle flap” McConnell even allowed it on the floor to the vote.Image result for mcconnell turtle gif

But strike first. Strike nobly. Let the slackwits bicker and bawl, but the high ground is open and unclaimed. So claim it, you slimy, spineless fucktards.

And thank you very much for your time.

See? That wasn’t so hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ