To hear science tell it, here’s how they’d likely put last week’s news nugget: “Kimberly Guilfoyle, a 51-year-old California native, tested positive for COVID-19, joining a staggering 2.92 million Americans who have contracted the virus, which has already killed more than 132,000 U.S. citizens and more than a half million Earth residents since December 2019.”
Science is just too reserved and self-respecting to tell the American public, Seeeee?
I, however, have no such restraint or self respect, nor a reason find either. So let me tell you what science wanted to say when it saw the headlines.We found it in a file labeled “when I’m dead and gone” after we hacked the lord’s computer to decipher the message many believe was sent from the heavens but wound up in our cultural spam box:
Put the elastic part on your skull. If a mask has two loops, put one over each ear. If it has one, put it around your head.
It’s sad to say, but I guess this label needs to go on all masks, including the protective ones we’ve been instructed to adorn in the pandemic.
As with diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, meningitis and polio, we can’t help but step back when science steps forward. We are anti-matter embodied.
The latest dark energy incarnation is our inability to wear masks properly, if at all. We’ve already given up on the dimwits who see masks as political theology, and the argument to wear one a violation of civil liberty.
But even in the most enlightened states — and I consider California one of them — I’m seeing people wear N-95 masks as a coughy filter or, worse, handkerchief. We have turned masks into our own theology of sorts, and sport them as jewelry.
I was in my 7-Eleven recently, where I saw a customer wearing a mask below his nose. Conscientious, I thought. At least he’s wearing one. But that’s no protection against a sneeze.
Another day I was at a drive-thru, where a busy manager was barking directions to her employees. Her mask was essentially a necklace looped behind the ears. I guess that’s technically wearing a mask, but no protection against…breathing.
This is akin to a kid trick-or-treating as Iron Man and wearing his plastic faceplate as a top hat. Or a bank robber using a bandana as a scarf.
Already, California is considering mandating that residents again wear masks outdoors. COVID is on the rise in 20 states, and two of them hit single-day highs for confirmed cases this week.
Maybe we are a half-nation of anti-vaxxers and flat-Earthers. I pray not, but it seems clear we need refresher courses on some of the basics.
Make sure to tune in next week, when we explain how to loop a belt.
I don’t care what the scientists say; hydrogen is not the most common element in the universe. Neither is helium.
It’s irony.
After all, what darker humor than to bestow the ultimate gift, life, only to saddled it with the ultimate bill, death? Black holes are nature’s knock-knock joke.
And she recently pranked the Tulsa World.
Nearly four years ago, the World, a 115-year old newspaper and an institution in the Sooner state, put this political cartoon above its editorial on who it was endorsing in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.
Its endorsement? No one.
This was its headline: Tulsa World Editorial endorsement: For president? None of the above
“Since 1940, the Tulsa World has consistently endorsed the Republican nominee for president,” the column began. “But we’re not willing to do that this time. Neither are we willing to endorse the Democratic candidate or any other candidate.”
What an utter abdication of the only rule and role of media: to help people make informed decisions. What is media’s reason for being if not that service?
Instead, the World became an avatar for the Country; too cynical about the process to bother trying. Pardon the fury at brethren on this issue, but those assholes should have at least found the best independent candidate, or write-in candidate, or even written in one itself. Nominate a fucking dog. The point is, do something. If you won’t, how can you expect others to?
Here was the astounding fortune cookie wisdom that ended the “editorial”: “We encourage all voters to participate in the election and to follow their consciences in making the best choice from the least acceptable list of candidates for president in modern times. We won’t be endorsing any of them.”
You go ahead and march, the story essentially said. But leave us out of it. The World acted like an average American: disinterested until it’s at the doorstep.
Well, it’s knocking now, particularly for Republicans. After not taking a stand on the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency, the World must now take a stand on a Donald Trump rally.
“We don’t know why he chose Tulsa,” the World editorial board wrote this week, “but we can’t see any way that his visit will be good for the city.”
Come on, dispshits. You know exactly why he chose Tulsa — and it’s not just because it coincides with the 99th anniversary of the slaughter of 300 black people there, though you can bet that’s one of the primary reasons.
But it’s also because of the Tulsa populace, which loves to make America great again. It’s because of the thousands that will chant the great leader’s name — after they’ve signed a waiver pledging they won’t sue him if they contract COVID. That a real prerequisite of the rally.
And it’s because you, the World, did not speak up when you had the chance. So don’t be surprised when your pleas fall of deaf ears. Nor when Darwin thins the herd. Mother Nature is not only sarcastic; she punishes those who aren’t clever.
Looks like the universe punked you, Oklahoma. Twice, actually. You decided to ignore the coming plague, and now you’ve noticed a lesion on your face.
🤡🤡🤡
🤧🤧🤧
☠️
