Category Archives: Muddled Musings

The Best Political Commentary of 2017

http://childpsychiatryassociates.com/treatment-team/debra-newman/ What I Have in Common with Donald Trump

By Ethan Kuperberg, The New Yorker

I love television.

I have almost zero understanding of international politics.

I have not exercised in 2017.

I have never read the second half of “Infinite Jest.”

I have never read “The Art of the Deal,” by Donald Trump.

I know it’s silly and will never happen, but I secretly wish that Barack Obama were my best friend.

I have been scared every day since November 8, 2016.

I’m not as good at having sex as I think I am.

I am related to Jewish people whom I don’t understand.

A waiter once forgot to charge me for a drink at a restaurant, and I did not tell him to adjust the check.

Melania Trump has no interest in having sex with me.

When I get really stressed out, I like to watch the film “Finding Dory.”

I have recently Internet-stalked the people who bullied me in middle school.

I need more therapy than I am currently undergoing.

I look awful in hats.

Hillary Clinton is much smarter than I am, and I know it.

I would rather win an Emmy than be in politics.

I would rather win a free drink at the Coffee Bean than be in politics.

Sometimes I wish that dogs could talk. I wonder what they would say.

Not to harp on it, but “Finding Dory” has a plotline that I find easy to follow.

I am not on the correct medication.

I have a recurring nightmare in which my father tells me that he is not proud of me.

I have never had a one-on-one conversation with Tiffany Trump that lasted for longer than ten minutes.

I’m pretty sure I’m not gay, but every once in a while I see an attractive man and I think, Geez, that guy is good-looking.

I hope they make a sequel to “Finding Dory.”

I think that Paul Ryan is a fucking wimp.

I will never understand what it’s like to be a Syrian refugee.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but all I want, deeply and unequivocally, on any given day, at any given hour, is to have someone look me in the eye and tell me, with complete and profound sincerity, “I love you.”

I have never been democratically elected President of the United States. 

Notes from the Dept. of Redundancy Dept.

Didja know:

  • Japan officially recognizes Bitcoin as a method of payment but not as currency. 
  • While the U.S. generates 2/3 of its electricity from fossil fuels, South America generates 2/3 of it from renewable energy sources, making the continent a global leader in renewable energy.
  • Dams don’t last forever. Once they have exceeded their life span of 50 to 100 years, risk of the concrete deteriorating increases dramatically. 
  • Night owls are more likely to suffer from nightmares, surveys suggest. 
  • No one knows for sure why tennis points go 15-30-40, or even why 0 is called love.
  • Rosa Parks was sitting in the colored section of the bus during the infamous incident in Montgomery; she was asked to vacate her seat, in the front row of the colored section, because the white portion of the bus was filled. 
  • Diphylleia grayi is know as a skeleton flower because its white petals go transparent when wet, but return to white when dry. 

Terminating Trolls

I interviewed Arnold Schwarzenegger only once in my career, when he was considering suspending acting for a run as governor of California.

There wasn’t much to the interview, though he did drive himself (new Hummer, of course) to the Santa Monica diner where we met for lunch. In my 10 years as a film critic, only one other actor drove himself to an interview, sans publicist or handler: Emile Hirsch. He drove a beaten up Prius.

I don’t remember a thing about the chat, only the call I made to my buddy Spencer after it was over. “I think he’s going to run,” I said. “He may even win. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy ran for president.”

He didn’t, of course, as infidelities and inexperience eventually drove him back to Pixelville.

But now I wonder if we didn’t rush him from office prematurely. Schwarzenegger has also become a spokesman for The Special Olympics, and was in Austria this weekend to commemorate the games.

Of course, some Internet asshole attempted to urinate on the promotional video that ran on The Special Olympics’ Facebook page.

“The Olympics are for the best athletes in the entire world to compete against each other to determine who is best,” the slackwit wrote. “Having retards competing is doing the opposite.”

 Schwarzenegger was having none of it.

“As evil and stupid as this comment is, I’m not going to delete it or ban you (yet) because it’s a teachable moment. 

You have two possible paths ahead. Right now, I guarantee you that these athletes have more courage, compassion, brains and skill ― actually more of every positive human quality than you. 

So take their path ― you could learn from them, and try to challenge yourself, to give back, to add something to the world. Or you can stay on your path, and keep being a sad pitiful jealous Internet troll who adds nothing to the world but mocks anyone who does out of small-minded jealousy.

I know that all you really want is attention, so let me be clear. If you choose to keep going this way, no one will ever remember you.”

Both the troll’s comment and Schwarzenegger’s reply were subsequently deleted. But not before Twitter users screen grabbed the exchange and used it to praise Ahnold.

I’m still convinced the Internet will ultimately be regarded much like the handgun; capable of working as an agent for remarkable good, strong-arming tyranny, safeguarding the weak. Instead we’re likely to blast ourselves in the face.

But every once in a while, someone will get off a straight shot.

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