Category Archives: Muddled Musings

Let’s Get Ready to ROOOOOOOBOT!

I suck at socializing. I can’t help but ask people too soon about their faith, their politics and, especially of late, their favorite reality TV show.

That last question might not sound as weighty as the first two party-downers, but consider the subtle nosiness of the question. What you’re really asking: What speaks to your inner angels (or demons)?

The answers can be fascinating. My oldest buddy admits he loves reality shows about renovating dilapidated pubs and bars. Another loves dating reality shows. Another, who has about as much culinary expertise as I (Pop-Tart, anyone?), loves reality cooking shows. My mom never misses Judge Judy.

There have to be deeper psychological layers to the shows’ appeal. Are they wish fulfillment? A satiation for fairy tale or just endings? A peek at a career path not taken?

Sure, there are risks in the ask — namely the douchebag who likes to brag he doesn’t own a television. Beware anyone who boasts of cultural fasting.

And I’ll concede: I’m a little worried about my own guilty pleasure TV: Battlebots. Does it mean I have a thing for headlessness?

I wonder because that’s what introduced me to the show, a gladiatorial-style battle to the death between remote-control robots.

These aren’t Rock Em Sock Em robots. They have flippers, flame throwers and firepower. These things weigh 200 pounds, feature lawnmower saws, and boast blades that spin as fast as a helicopter’s. One shoots a five-pound lead cartridge 300 mph at its opponent, like a Campbell’s Soup can in a howitzer.

My favorite bot, though, is Ice Wave, which has a 54-inch spinning wheel with a firefighter’s saw that rotates at 250 mph. I was channel flipping when I happened upon Ice Wave’s upcoming match, a fight with a stubby spin bot that looked like a fire hydrant with rabies.

When the bell rang, the hydrant charged toward Ice Wave, which simply began firing up its spinner. Fearless and fast, stubby hurled toward the blades, hoping to defeat Ice Wave by knocking it on its side.

Instead, Ice Wave decapitated stubby with one rotation. In a subsequent battle, Ice Wave was tipped on its side — only to slash its opponent vertically in two. That’s how legends are born, folks (Alas, it lost in the playoffs for the most anti-climactic of reasons: A battery short left it immobilized).

But this reality show, too, suggests something deeper about human nature: Our bloodlust. And given our increasing understanding of that lust, it just may be carving the future of sport.

Consider: Football, from the NFL to Pop Warner, is seeing declining revenues, ratings and participation.. The UFC and mixed martial arts are a niche sport at best. And boxing — once the most popular sport in America — essentially retired as a legitimate competition when Ali did.

All three share a macabre plotline: the primate desire for violence. High school districts nationwide have already banned head-butting soccer balls out of concussion concerns, and more than 15% are considering measures banning children’s tackle football outright. And if moms pull their kids out of school football, it’s Friday Night Lights out.

So let the bots battle. Teams gain no advantage through misogyny or racism. Women kick mens’ asses all the time on Battlebots. Parent-child teams are common. It’s kinda like Star Wars chess. And come on: who doesn’t want a game piece that can eat an opponent?

One suggestion to Battlebots producers, though: You may want to put a self-destruct button on every copy of your matches for the near future. Because if our Artificial Intelligence overlords ever see what we made them do, we may face the wrath of Ice Wave.

May I suggest this instead?

Riding Steerage

If the UN’s report on global warming didn’t send you into apoplectic shock, you may want to buy a blood pressure monitor. That way you can tell if you have a pulse.

In short, the report said, global warming will kick into lethal high gear in 12 years. So you’ll likely be around for it. Your children, however, may not; given the U.S.’ recent rejection of science, there’s no indication we have any interest in slowing the train to oblivion.

Which leads to the question: Given our president’s disdain for science and the UN, why don’t they punch back and recognize America for what it really is: an intellectual third-world nation.

For instance, I’d be fascinated to see a UN climate study that excludes the U.S. Just assume Trumpanzees will continue to worship coal and hairspray. What if much larger nations — India, China, Indonesia, for starters — took the problem seriously and acted on it? What if, instead of simply measuring worldwide economies (which the U.S. dominates), the UN measured stupidity in taking countries into account?

Turns out they did. In 2015, the UN defined 17 goals for any country claiming to desire complete, sustainable development. The goals range from ending poverty, to gender equality, to environmental preservation. The next year, a worldwide study was released.

And the U.S. report card from the Organization of Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) ain’t pretty.

USA! USA!

Poverty

Food security and nutrition

Health

Education

Gender equality

The US is also, with Lesotho, one of only two countries in the world that do not mandate paid maternity leave.

Energy

Employment

Infrastructure

Inequality

Housing and urban development

Peaceful living

Traitor Joe Blow

A wise soul suggested I try Trader Joe‘s for the kind of wine I prefer: Something that tastes as sweet as Kool-Aid, without the mass suicides.

So for the first time in my life, I entered Trader Joe‘s alone (Because I’m a food fraud, I have always accompanied grocery experts who know the difference between, say, rhubarb and butter.)

Joe’s food must be as good as his wine, because the line just to get into the parking lot spilled onto Burbank Blvd. Motorists were lined up as if entering the Hollywood Bowl, and about as patient. Someone actually honked at a guy walking across the parking lot entrance in a walker. In his/her defense, the car was two back in the line and couldn’t have realized the pedestrian was in a walker — until stroller guy got back to us and uttered something inaudible and surely profane at the driver in front of me.

When I finally got into the store, I was struck by the smell of sweat and douche baggery: Track suits and Louis Vittons; ravaged sandals; unbathed vegans asking if the cheese was artisinal.

But damn the advice was good. In addition to Kool-Aid booze, they had the greatest chip selection I’d ever seen, including one that was more ball than chip: an infarction-inducing clump of butter, caramel and cinnamon that I hope to be eating when I die.

But oh the douche baggery! The woman in front of me was delightful. Perhaps because she was buying eight bottles of wine and the patient cashier was double bagging every one.

The guys behind me, though, must have gone to school with Brett Kavanaugh. Douche 1 was telling Douche 2 he couldn’t make time with a girl, despite always being at his gentlemanly best. “It’s not like I’m one of those guys who walking around talking in the first person.”

I resisted snarking “You just did, dumbass.” Instead, I chickened out and left. Maybe there’d be a good motorist/senior stroller brawl outside.

Now for some non-person Factslaps:

Until three million years ago, whales were less than 30 feet long.
420,000 people die annually from tainted food.
Cuba bans statues of living Cubans.
85% of Vakkaru Island in the Maldives is made up of fish feces.
50% of US territory is under the sea.
England is smaller than New York state.
1 in 8 young Britons have never seen a cow in real life.
After Korean soccer player Ahn Jung-hwan scored the goal to eliminate Italy from the 2002 World Cup, his contract was cancelled by the Italian for whom he played for ‘ruining Italian soccer.’

The HollywoodBowles

Those who can't write, edit. Those who can't edit, blog. Operating at a loss since 2014.