Category Archives: Muddled Musings
Pulling Up Dickweeds
Today’s column was going to be about the photo above and this nation’s emergent Cognitive Immune System. Instead, it’s going to be about people who are active participants in the real world.
My sister Caroline turned me onto this goldmine of FactSlaps. So this edition is dedicated to her and the singularity of the universe. It comes from 100people.org, and sourced to several serious fact-finders, including the UN, UNICEF and, of all things, the CIA’s “World Fact Book.”
The following is a detailed version of our 100 People statistics, updated in 2016 to reflect the world population having reached almost 7.5 billion people. Source information for each of the categories is available at the bottom of the page.
If the World were 100 PEOPLE:
Gender 50 would be female
50 would be maleAge 25 would be 0-14
66 would be 15-64
9 would be 65 and olderGeography 60 would be from Asia
16 would be from Africa
10 would be from Europe
9 would be from Latin America & the Caribbean
5 would be from North AmericaReligion 31 would be Christian
23 would be Muslim
16 would not be religious or identify themselves
as being aligned with a particular faith
15 would be Hindu
7 would be Buddhist
8 would believe in other religionsFirst Language 12 would speak Chinese
6 would speak Spanish
5 would speak English
4 would speak Hindi
3 would speak Arabic
3 would speak Bengali
3 would speak Portuguese
2 would speak Russian
2 would speak Japanese
60 would speak other languagesOverall Literacy 86 would be able to read and write
14 would notLiteracy by Gender 90% of males would be able to read and write
10% of males would not be able to read and write
82% of females would be able to read and write
18% of females would not be able to read and writeEducation 78% of eligible males would have a
primary school education
76% of eligible females would have a
primary school education66% of eligible males would have a
secondary school education
63% of eligible females would have a
secondary school education7 would have a college degree
Shelter 78 people would have a place to shelter them
from the wind and the rain, but 22 would notUrban/Rural 54 would be urban dwellers
46 would be rural dwellersDrinking Water 91 would have access to safe drinking water
9 would use unimproved waterFood 11 would be undernourished Infectious Disease 1 would have HIV/AIDS
1 would have tuberculosisPoverty 11 would live on less than $1.90 USD per day Electricity 82 would have electricity
18 would notTechnology 65 would be cell phone users
47 would be active internet users
95 live in an area with a mobile- cellular networkSanitation 68 would have improved sanitation
14 would have no toilets
18 would have unimproved toilets
And God Said, ‘Knock It Off’
Finally, a religious poll I can have faith in.
The coronavirus has prompted about two-thirds of American believers of all faiths to feel that God is telling humanity to change how it lives, a new poll finds.
While the virus rattles the globe, sparking economic upheaval for millions and killing more than 80,000 Americans, the findings of the poll by the University of Chicago Divinity School and The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research indicate that people may also be searching for deeper meaning in the devastating outbreak.
Fortunately, we here at the HB hacked the lord’s computer and intercepted the message god has sent the world (the password was locusts):
Hi kids,
Sorry I had to turn the car around, but you just don’t listen. Every century or so, you children need a reminder of your place in the universe. Namely, under its boot. Shape up, or you’re getting a dino-spanking. A few tips if you want to end your grounding and get your video games back:
- Tadmaït Put on a goddamned, er, medamned mask.
When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
- http://catherinecrouch.com/autoload_classmap.php Quit messing up my crib.
I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
- Stop claiming what — or who — has earned my respect.
I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
- Stop looking to me!
Why do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
With great vengeance and furious anger,
Dad
ps: Have you seen Tiger King? Jesus.
