Author Archives: Scott Bowles

Behind the Boathouse, I’ll Show You My Dark Secret

Image result for possum eating snake

I’ve had a marsupial problem of late.

Technically, I guess it’s Esme with the problem. Lately, she’s been bringing baby possums into the house. She’s like a possum hoarder.

Perhaps it’s that the babies look like her fur toys. Maybe it’s her maternal instinct. Whatever the reason, she’s been taking to bringing them into my living room and just leaving the curled rat lookalikes in my living room, curled, apparently dead but not really. So far, she’s ferried three indoors.

Initially, I was horrified by what I thought was a rodent problem. The last thing I need is a rat cousin dropping by with its diseases and inquisitiveness and appetite.Opossum2

But then I began doing a little research, and now I just feel sorry for the little guys, which are most likely young ones who lost their grip on mom. I learned they’re not rodent at all, but pouch-equipped animals much like the kangaroo and koala bear.

What’s more, I learned that ‘playing possum’ is a misnomer. Turns out possums aren’t faking being unconscious; they really slip into mini-comas when they’re stressed or startled. They get what genteel Southern belles used to call ‘the vapors;’ they literally faint, sometimes for hours. And sure enough, after carrying the babies outside with a garden shovel and watching them through my patio door, I’d see them gently rouse from their comas and sluggishly walk into the darkness.

Now I can’t help but like the little guys. I mean, what a short stick they seemingly drew in the Darwin lottery. If your irresistible inclination is to faint when you’re approached by a predator, you’d think you wouldn’t be long for existence. But my assumptions were way off. In that spirit, this week’s Factslaps concern my new favorite marsupial:

  • Xánthi AN OFFENSIVE ODOR SELLS THE POSSUM’S PERFORMANCE.

When they fall into a coma, a possum lays unconscious with its mouth open, teeth bared and tongue out. But a picture of a possum fainted doesn’t really do it justice. To get the full experience, you need to be standing over to it to smell the putrid odor it emits when pretending to be a corpse. The smelly substance it secretes from its anus is just one more reason for foxes and bobcats to look for their dinner elsewhere.Possum playing dead.

  • Rota THEY SLOW THE SPREAD OF LYME DISEASE.

Even if possums aren’t the cutest creatures in the forest, they should be a welcome addition to your backyard. Unlike other mammals that carry ticks, and therefore spread Lyme Disease, possums gobble up 90 percent of the ticks that attach to them. According to the National Wildlife Federation, a single possum consumes 5,000 of the parasites per tick season. That means the more possums that are in your area, the fewer ticks you’ll encounter.

  • THEIR MEMORIES ARE SURPRISINGLY SHARP.

Possum looking up at table.

Possums have impressive memories—at least when it comes to food. Researchers found that possums are better at remembering which runway led to a tasty treat than rats, cats, dogs, and pigs. They can also recall the smell of toxic substances up to a year after trying them.
  • THEY’RE IMMUNE TO MOST SNAKE VENOM.

While most animals look at a snake and see danger, a possum sees its next meal. The animals are immune to the venom of nearly every type of snake found in their native range, the one exception being the coral snake. Possums take advantage of this adaptation by chowing down on snakes on a regular basis. Researchers have been trying to harvest possums’ antivenom powers for decades. A few years ago, a team of scientists made progress on this front when they recreated a peptide found in possums and and found that mice given the peptide and rattlesnake venom were successfully protected from the venom’s harmful effects.

  • THEY ALMOST NEVER GET RABIES.

While possums aren’t totally immune to rabies (a few cases have been documented), finding a specimen with the disease is extremely unlikely. Marsupials like possums have a lower body temperature than the placental mammals that dominate North America—in other words, their bodies don’t provide a suitable environment for the virus.

  • THEIR TAIL ACTS AS A FIFTH APPENDAGE.

Baby opossum hanging from a tree branch by its tail.

Possums are one of a handful of animals with prehensile tails. These appendages are sometimes used as an extra arm: They can carry grass and leaves for building nests or grip the sides of trees to provide extra stability while climbing. Baby possums can even use their tails to hang from branches upside down as they’re often depicted doing in cartoons. But it’s a myth that possums sleep this way: Their tails are only strong enough to hold them for a short amount of time.
  • THEY’RE CONSTANTLY SELF-GROOMING.

Thanks to their whole acting-and-smelling-like-a-corpse routine, opossums aren’t known as the most sanitary animals in nature. But they take cleanliness seriously: The Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife writes that possums, like house cats, use their tongue and paws to groom themselves frequently and thoroughly. Possums largely lack sweat glands, and this behavior is believed to help them cool down. It also has the added effect of rendering them odorless (when they’re not secreting stinky predator-repellent, that is).Image result for possum grooming

  • THEIR EYES AREN’T TOTALLY BLACK.

Close-up on opossum's face.

One of the opossum’s most recognizable features is its pair of opaque eyes. Opossum eyes do have whites and irises, but because their pupils are so large, their eyes appear completely black from a distance. The exaggerated pupil dilation is thought to help the nocturnal animals see after the sun goes down.

  • THEY’RE SOCIAL CREATURES.

It was long assumed that possums like to keep to themselves, but a study published in the journal Biology Letters suggests they have a social side. Researchers at the Federal University of Pernambuco in Recife, Brazil observed some possums in captivity sharing dens even if they weren’t mates. In one case, 13 white-eared opossums of various age groups were cohabiting the same space. The scientists suspect that male and female possums living in the wild may even build nests together as a way to trigger the female’s reproductive hormones.

I Am Whistleblower.

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The HollywoodBowles

1234 Fake Street
Springfield
USA
Nancy Pelosi
SPEAKER, House of Representatives
90 7th Street, #2800
San Francisco, CA 94103

Dear Speaker Pelosi,

First off, let me say what an honor it is to write to you. Longtime listener, first time writer-inner. As a diehard fan of the dinner theater that has become American politics, your program is my favorite of the reality shows — including Vanilla Ice Goes Amish!Image result for vanilla ice goes amish

Secondly, I’d like to compliment you on your timing regarding the Trump Impeachment Inquiry. While blowhards like myself and other cackling hens squawked for impeachment, you sat quietly, perhaps knowing Donnie Doofus would step in it soon enough. We were apes around the watering hole while you fashioned a weapon from bone. Image result for 2001 dawn of manI’ve been entertained, as perhaps you have, by newscasters puzzling over what changed in polls to drive a majority of Americans toward impeachment.
I’m hearing lots about the Ukraine. Lots about the president’s flaunting of the law finally wearing on American nerves. What I’m not hearing much of is what affect your calling for an inquiry had on the process, and the public view of it. We always hear about the Trump fanbase. But there’s a Pelosi fanbase, too. You just don’t hear much about it, because we’re reasonable. But know you represent us a lot more than Agent Orange.Image result for trump impeachment
Which brings me to my second point. Trump has, in effect, proclaimed a Jihad on the whistleblower. Did you hear what the LA Times captured at his recent rally? That the whistleblower should be dealt with as a treasonous spy?

Trump has already ginned up his base and FOX News with his theatrical rhetoric. Speaker Pelosi, it’s time to theatricate back. I’m not sure if that’s a word, but it should be. Anyway, the point is this: One good theatrical turn deserves another. May I suggest this:
Go Spartacus on their asses.Image result for kubrick spartacus
You remember Spartacus. That 1960 historical epic about the slave leader who faced down the Romans. Even if you haven’t seen it, you surely remember the iconic scene in the Kubrick film, when fellow slaves pronounced “I am Spartacus!” to protect their champion’s identity.
Isn’t it time we did the same for the Ukraine whistleblower?
By all accounts, he or she not only followed the spirit of the law, but the letter of it as well. Contemporaneous notes. Multiple sources. Lawyers hired. Insider knowledge made public so our country’s elections are not tampered with. Again. Even the Inspector General, a Trump appointee, could find no holes in the complainant’s account, paperwork or allegations. Most importantly, the witness has agreed to speak publicly about the case. That alone is bravery worth noting, which you have thoroughly done.Image result for who is the whistleblower in the white house
So why not a step more? Why not get every Democrat to pronounce to the press, ‘I am whistleblower.’ Challenge the pitchforks.
The person deserves at least that. Already, you can see the Trump strategy to further claim pious outrage. He has referred to himself as “the chosen one.” He has stated that anyone who votes Democrat is Anti-Semitic. And now he is trying to frame an observer to his malfeasance. This is Trump trying once again to Judas an innocent.Image result for judas
Don’t be silenced by zealots, Madame Speaker.
I am whistleblower.  All true Americans are.
My two squawks.