Author Archives: Scott Bowles

Hollywood’s Villainy Problem

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Hollywood has always struggled with diarrhea of the mouth. It can’t help but spew forth when it gets excited. Trailers give away the entire movie. Sequels dwarf originals. A comic-book film works? Clone away! A star is trending on social media? Put star in everything. Image result for adam driver

One of its golden rules, however, used to be: Never give away the ending. Remember when people were shocked that Bruce Willis was a ghost in The Sixth Sense? Or that the heroine in The Crying Game was actually the hero? Oh yeah, spoiler warning. Secrets were easier to keep before the internet, but, even now, studios request that reviewers not post spoilers on social media outlets.

But leave it to Tinseltown to burn the tinsel down. Last week, Rian Johnson, the director of the whodunit  Knives Out, recently sat down for an interview with Vanity Fair to break down a scene from the film. During it, he revealed that Apple, a sponsor of the film, doesn’t allow “bad guys” to have an Iphone on screen. As part of Apple’s guidelines, the company confirmed, third parties can only show their products “in the best light” and “in a manner or context that reflects favorably” on the company.Image result for knives out

Well, there goes your whodunnit.

Corporations have always flexed Darwinian dominance on celluloid. Ever seen James Bond in a smashed-to-hell Aston Martin? Or Tom Cruise  in a dented BMW? Or a hero whose Ferrari isn’t spit-polish clean? Exclusive car manufacturers have their own usage guideline, the underpinning one being: “Don’t make our cars look like shit.”Image result for james bond in car

But that didn’t affect a movie’s plot.  We already know James Bond isn’t going to die in any spy installment. That the man’s wheels are as polished as the man is no great stretch.

But Apple’s villainy clause underscores Hollywood’s villainy problem. The Usual Suspects, for instance, would not exist, or require Keiser Soze to use a http://childpsychiatryassociates.com//semalt.com Tracfone or some other cheap 7-Eleven burner. And you know Kaiser don’t Android. Cell phones played a key role in The Departed. Would  the studio have insisted on those old brick handsets?Image result for keiser soze

While the Apple disclosure isn’t going to send shock waves through the industry (Netflix and Amazon do that), it does underscore a larger problem the film industry faces in portraying bad guys.

Time was, studios would appoint villains the nationalities of any countries we saw on the battlefield. Native Americans. Asians. Germans.

In the 70’s, Hollywood took a bad-guy-bead on nationalities. Black and Hispanic actors, in particular, were easy, disenfranchised foible fodder. Clint Eastwood built his legend on challenging minorities to bullet counts.Image result for dirty harry and criminal

In today’s online, social justice frontier, however, there are fewer choices of folks to vilify. The Hunt, a violent human prey film from Blumhouse pictures, was delayed for months because protesters saw it as a political screed against political correctness. It was quietly re-edited and will be released next week.Image result for the hunt

So who’s left? Pederasts and serial killers are usually a safe bet — just be careful the color and gender you choose for the antagonist. Aliens are a pretty safe bet, as long as you make it clear we’re talking about space aliens.

I’m sure Hollywood will think of something. Who knows? Sometimes, they’re even in your own backyard. Image result for harvey weinstein

 

Why Sports Are Better Than Real Life

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Amid the sound and fury of Super Tuesday and the din of idiots signifying nothing, we can forget real news. Like Thomas Lee.

Lee loves the Jackson State University Tigers. I mean, loves them.

Growing up in Mississippi, Lee used to hang out at the Tigers’ basketball practices, usually with snacks in hand. Skittles were the favorite, hands down. Over the years, Lee became a fixture to the team, a walking concession stand of sorts, earning him the nickname ‘Snacks.’ It’s an apt title. Lee has clearly partaken in some.

Lee was so enchanted by the school he once mentioned to an assistant coach for the Tigers that he wanted to be the school’s team manager someday. The coach told Lee something the boy took deep to heart: Stay on the honor roll throughout high school, the coach said, and when he was admitted to Jackson State, Lee could be team manager.

“I kept my word,” Lee said in a local TV news interview. “And he kept his.”Image result for snacks lee

And for four years, Lee had the college experience of a lifetime. He hung out with players after practice, always willing to feed a shooter who needed extra shots — and take a few himself, of course. He always carried Skittles for, you know, emergencies.

This year marked Lee’s senior year. Throughout the Tigers’ season, kids and their social media avatars had been calling for “Snacks” to make an appearance in a game. Lee admits he did nothing to squelch the rising call.

In fact, Lee must have been feeling pretty cocky. He showed up at the college last week before 6 a.m. on Senior Day  — in uniform, donning the number 35 for his favorite player, Kevin Garnett. Image result for kevin garnnett

Tigers coach Wayne Brent told reporters he was surprised to see the manager suited up, but made a promise to the hopeful. If the Tigers run up the score in a blowout win for the school’s final home game of the year, he could play. Though the Tigers had a mediocre year, Brent had the genius idea to the let the team know of the wager. Image result for coach jackson state basketball

The Tigers kicked Arkansas Pine-Bluff’s ass. Running up a 20-point lead in the fourth quarter, Brent sent Lee out. The auditorium buzzed with his entrance, and collectively gasped — and sighed — when Lee took and missed three shots.

But with 32 seconds remaining, a Tiger on a fast break found Lee open on the right wing, far beyond the three-point arc. But Lee does not lack for guts, and recalled the preposterously long shots he’d take with players after practice. Without hesitating, he turned and arced a shot.

Swish.

By the end of the game, players and students had mobbed him, chanting “Snacks!” “Snacks!” as they led him out of the school.  The Southwestern Athletic Conference named Snacks its Player of the Week. NBA superstar Kevin Durant (who has a great nickname, “The Grim Leaper”) tweeted that Lee should change his nickname from “Snacks”to “Snipe.” Image result for kevin durant leaping

Promises made, promises kept. Sometimes, it matters. Usually, the news isn’t fake. It’s just overlooked.

A Wonderful Calamity

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Yesterday should have been a shitty day.

I woke up nauseas and filled with bile after hearing President AssHat call the coronavirus a hoax. That man is a living argument for abortion and atheism.

When I got to my polling station for Super Tuesday (it had been changed  to a far less convenient location for some reason), cars were gridlocked. The geniuses in the party had selected an elementary school as the new station, as it could hold more ballot boxes. Fair enough.

But the school was at the end of a quiet cul de sac, and it was a school day. By 2:30 p.m., tiny Basset Street looked like the 405. Volvo station wagons backed fearfully down the street as kids darted about. When you did find a parking spot, a line that led out the auditorium and into the parking lot awaited you. There, too, adults and kids had to play bullfighter with the cars, narrowly dodging iron bulls.

After a 35-minute wait, I reached the auditorium — where an election volunteer announced that the entire system crashed. In an exasperated monotone, she listed other voting polling places as if she were reading school closures after a heavy snow. Van Nuys Elementary. Van Nuys Animal Shelter. Bueller. Bueller? She didn’t bother with addresses.

After much muttering, the people in the auditorium dispersed. One woman yelled at a volunteer for not having a backup system, as if that were his task. After she was done berating him, I walked up. “You guys should hang a sign outside so people don’t go through the hassle of parking and waiting,” I told the man, who was frantically packing up tape and boxes.

“Thank you,” he said without looking up. “You should call the party and suggest that.”

I sighed and walked out, then began walking the length of the line to tell them that the system and crashed and they were misdirecting us.

Not a single person moved, asked a follow-up question or even acknowledged the warning they were in for a half hour cattle call.Image result for super tuesday long lines

And that’s when the day turned. I realized: They weren’t moving because they suspected I may be trying to discourage them voting. And they weren’t having that.  I looked: That was a longer line than I’d ever seen for a California election, including Obama’s. I heard: People were joking, laughing, and seemingly unconcerned with the bureaucratic hoops they had to leap to vote.  When I got home I saw a local news report from another polling place that had also fritzed out. Regardless, the reporter said, people planned to wait the estimated 1 1/2 hours to get the machines back up. And you just know they waited longer than that.

But it’s hard not to feel the palpable energy in the populace. I had received no fewer than three texts and two visits from political volunteers leading up to Super Tuesday. Friends reported the same. People seemed ready to brawl. The silver lining on the day now felt blinding.

I still don’t think Trump will give up the keys to the White House, even if he suffers landslide losses. I still think he’ll appeal the election up to a Supreme Court he owns. That fucking pisses me off.

Yesterday I learned I hardly own the patent on the sentiment.