Just as everyone should have a list of ransom demands, everyone should have an inventions list.
After all, it’s easy enough to bitch. Quite another to suggest ways to improve the world. I’m always puzzled by those who complain about a system and offer no solutions to improve it. Scientists call it Red State Reasoning.
And it’s not that hard to come up with an invention. You may do it every day. Maybe you use a bowl as an iPhone speaker. Or hang wrinkled clothes in the bathroom while you shower. Or cut cake with dental floss.
The point is, chip in or shut the fuck up.
In that spirit, here are some of my current invention ideas. Patents not pending:
- The Front Brake Light
Picture this: You want to turn right in your car down the busiest street in your town. Cars are flying. Then you see a car that appears to be slowing down, with its right turn signal on — apparently opening a lane for you to merge.
Then — pow! The driver had accidentally left the turn signal on. Why is it that the only angle that a driver, pedestrian or biker CANNOT tell whether a car is slowing down is when it’s headed directly at you? A simple brake light under each turn signal would, literally, save thousands of lives a year.
- The “Bulb Out” Bulb
Similar in theory to the Front Brake Light. Why is it that the only way we discover when a brake or head light burns out is when someone tells us — particularly a cop? We have a signal that indicates when our tire pressure is low. Surely it wouldn’t be hard to create a sensor when a bulb burns out.
- Spravy
Household pets are notoriously finicky eaters. Cats routinely go more than 3 days without eating, sometimes simply from a dietary or mealtime change.
Introducing Spravy, the spray-on gravy that softens and seasons kibble with chicken-, beef- or chicken-flavored juices. It could even be vitamin-enriched so pet zealouts can rest assured Mr. Mittens gets his daily recommended dose of iron and riboflavin. (I’m currently making Spravy out of the juice in chicken noodle soup.)
- Evidentialism
A secular faith-based system that posits that science is a faith. The premise is based on a single question: Who do you believe will cure COVID-19, science or a god? If the former, you’re either an atheist or Evidentialist.
- Dead Line
A novel/movie with this as the premise: A rookie reporter is on his first big-city story. The story: Competing serial killers are taunting and one-upping each other through social and traditional media, tallying followers and granting anonymous interviews for bigger headlines. The twist: The reporter is one of the killers.
- The Misfortune Cookie
We’re used to the astrologically bland futures as seen through the typical fortune cookie: A fresh start will put you on your way; A lifetime friend shall soon be made; A light heart carries you through all the hard times.
Introducing The Misfortune Cookie, perfect for college dorm deliveries, snarky late dinners and general sardonic revelry. Prognostications include: The fortune you seek is in another cookie; A closed mouth gathers no feet; Everyone at the table is judging you; You will die alone and poorly dressed.
Legal disclaimer: All inventions are hereby declared public domain, and may be stolen, pilched and turned-for-profit. The goal is not to stake a claim, but flex constructive brain muscles.
