Tag Archives: world cup

Why Soccer Sucks

12/17/22

With all due respect (a sure sign you’re about to be disrespected) to our international readers specifically and soccer fans in general across the globe: Your sport is bass-acward stupid as shit. Respectfully.

I know, I know: The World Cup final is Sunday and packed with personal drama, national pride and fans that make Packer diehards look like they’re holding a jolly royal tea.

Your sport still blows. Lemme count the ways:

  • Four-year wait. What’s up with one event every four years? The World Cup, the Olympics, The UEFA European (futbol) Championship, Rugby World Cup, all have a 1,400-day wait list for athletic revenge, redemption, repetition, etc. That may have been practical when gathering the world’s top competitors was a Herculean feat. Those days passed with him.
  • Deaths. Soccer has to be the deadliest sport known to humankind. You’ve got Qatar’s legion of construction dead, the soccer matches that inevitably end in riot or stampede, doping — and that doesn’t calculate the concussive injuries to players who would no more consider a helmet than a pocket protector.
  • 1-nil games. Defensive masterpieces are great. We love no-hitters. But defense is dull when it’s off a diamond. How many Super Bowls would you watch if the score were routinely 7-0, or 14-7?
  • NO HANDS! This is the sports most egregious foul on humanity. What dumbass came up with this brilliance? ‘Yeah, tossing this ball around is fun, but what if you couldn’t use the most delicately articulated instrument in the universe? You know, the thing that literally separates us from every species on Earth? I’m also tinkering with backward 50-yard dashes and piano concerts played only with big toes.’

And the tears and the flopping! Jesus, I babysat a kid who did less griping, and he was an asshole. At least he had the excuse of being six. What’s yours?

Even your clocks don’t work. Vague extra time! A game ends when a referee lets you know the match is over! Fuck that: Shot clocks define nerve.

This sounds too harsh. My apologies. I guess I’m just jonesing for the Tigers or Celtics or Red Wings.

You know, teams in real sports.

Good luck to your bunions!

The New Colossus

Image result for rapinoe trump meme

Now THAT’s how you celebrate an Independence Day.

It came a few days after July 4th, but the American women’s soccer team showed how it’s done after winning the World Cup yesterday; with fireworks, cheers, tears of joy, and a display of the living embodiment of “United We Stand.” Not with tanks, fighter jets, soldiers and screaming yokels in a DC downpour who don’t know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.

The pressure for a championship had been building since last week, when U.S. National Women’s Team star Megan Rapinoe was asked how she would respond if the team won an unprecedented two World Cups in a row and were invited by the president for a congratulatory White House meal (I’m assuming another truckload of Whoppers and Big Macs).

Rapinoe, who is gay and is no fan of presidents who are serial rapists (22 allegations and counting) was quick with the answer. “I’m not going to the fucking White House.” she said.Image result for trump rapinoe

This, of course, blew the orangutan top of Trump, who called Rapinoe unpatriotic and presumptuous — from the safe distance of Twitter, of course. (Rapinoe would beat him like a rented mule should the two ever meet in person.) “I am a big fan of the American Team, and Women’s Soccer,” Trump sausage-fingered, presumably with a straight face. “But Megan should WIN first before she TALKS! Finish the job!” You know, because the president loathes premature boasting.

So Rapinoe quit taking and started kicking ass, leading the USWNT to a World Cup win over the Netherlands 2-0 yesterday. After the win, host stadium France put on a spectacle for a near-packed crowd that refused to leave after the women received their medals. They wanted to see the new royalty of the most popular sport in the world. (Side note: Why are the U.S. women so much better at soccer than the U.S. men? American women have won four World Cups; the best the men have ever achieved is third place. Yet U.S. women are paid $4,950 per match, while men make $13,166).United States celebrates winning the World Cup.

In the waning moments of the victory, Melania Trump tweeted congratulations. Obama’s quickly followed.

Trump was silent. Apparently he was watching Fox News instead of the game.

But there was no escaping the news. Fox News sent its foreign affairs correspondent Greg Palkot to a Lyon sports bar in France to report on the World Cup  postgame scene, and the fans — knowing that the reporter was from Fox News — had their own message for the network’s live shot. When Palkot was on the air, a U.S. fan in the background shouted, “Fuck Trump!” Then another. And another. Eventually, the entire bar joined the chant, clearly audible in the report, until the station cut away.Image result for rowdy pub

THAT, Trump must have seen. More than two hours after the victory, he pretended he wasn’t a Russian jockstrap and ate public crow: “Congratulations to the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team on winning the World Cup!” Trump tweeted. “Great and exciting play. America is proud of you all!” Fox led its newscast with the tweet, citing Trump being the good sport despite being disrespected.

Back in the stadium, Rapinoe hugged a teammate and struck a familiar pose in the stadium corner: She simply raised both arms and smiled. Were she holding a torch, she’d look a lot like Lady Liberty. Twitter went bonkers with doctored photos of Trump bitterly watching the match.Image result for trump rapinoe

Here in the States, New York immediately began plans told hold a victory parade through Manhattan. No word yet on whether the women will march past Trump Tower, but Rapinoe may be open to the idea of Trump as plump parade float.

USA! USA!