Psst, Mr. President,

You didn’t hear it from me, but people are talking. Ready?

They’re saying you faked it.

I’M not saying it. But you know who, I know who, everybody knows who. They’re saying — and there are good people on both sides, mind you — that you went Corporal Bone Spurs on COVID. Grabbed your tummy and turned a hospital visit into one of Melania’s orgasms: utter fiction.

I’ve even heard that some people had hoped aloud you would get it, and that you would die from it. I told them they shouldn’t speak that way. They said “Sir, how is your water pressure?” I said “Not great!” They said “Sir…” where was I?

Oh! People are talking! It’s crazy, I know. Like, QAnon crazy. And for the record, I’ve never heard of QAnon and I don’t know what QAnon is. But it’s definitely QAnon crazy.

But you know how those First Amendment freaks are. Those boys can be awfully proud.

They’re saying your timing just doesn’t add up. The “symptoms,” the “diagnosis,” the return from Walter Reed. They’re saying your story does dovetail nicely with your evangelical base (Mike Pence did hail your recovery as “miraculous”).

They’re saying it reminds them of your tactic during the first presidential debate, when you discovered the game was chess, not checkers, and overturned the tables in a petulant rage.

They’re saying you ordered your staff to grab their tummies, too. That since you run the CDC, who was going to contradict them? That these frantic acts were to be expected from a man desperate to avoid jail.

They’re saying you even managed to get Joe Biden to quit negative campaigning for a weekend by feigning illness. But that he won’t be Chicken Littled again.

Libtards.I hear that one guy even called you “a living prima facie argument for atheism and abortion.”

At least, that’s what I hear. Sad