Tag Archives: Trump

The Gippeto Syndrome

 

A good lie is better than a bad truth.

Don’t believe it? Your wife buys a dress that looks more like a mumu for a manatee. “Does this  make me look fat?” she asks you. The prosecution rests.

Stupidly, I’ve passed that tidbit on to several people, including my mother. Now every time I open my mouth, I can see the suspicion in their eyes, like I’m about to offer them investment opportunities in Nigerian royalty (which is bullshit; New York bridges are my wares of choice).

We won’t need to worry about deception, though, on midterm Tuesday. You see, a bad lie is also better than a bad truth, making this one of the most honest elections America will ever hold.

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but consider: Our president claims he had the largest inauguration crowd in history. That tells us he didn’t. That he knows the best words. That tells us he doesn’t. That he doesn’t collude for profit. We know that’s nyet true.  The Washington Post recently reported that Trump “has made 6,420 false or misleading claims over 649 days.”

First, wow. That takes focus.

Second, that’s actually a blessing for us. If you know someone abhors truth, you’re armed with a double-negative knowledge of truth. If, say, Trump claims in his rallies that the South American caravan poses an imminent national security risk, we know that it must not. If Trump says he believes the Saudi crown prince  knew nothing of the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi, then we know he ordered the hit. Image result for jamal khashoggi

Through his habitual lying, we get a crystal clear portrait of the man — and his party.

This election, the divisions are equally clear, the choices similarly stark. How do you feel about the wall? Republicans and Democrats are clear on the issue. Same with #metoo, white nationalism, immigration, abortion, gay rights, and yaddy. Trump’s diarrhea of the mouth has forced Republicans to take a stand, pick a side (the only Republican to challenge the party leader is dead). Image result for john mccain

This is how elections should be. Not clouded by mealy-mouthed lackeys hoping not to offend. But offering the electorate a chance to pick a team, suit up and clash on the field — well aware of the other team’s playbook and strategy.

Which leads to the most frightening truth about playing poker with the cards face up: Whatever the outcome, we have it coming.

And now for some good truths, Factslaps:

  • Netflix is responsible for 15% of global Internet traffic.Image result for netflix
  • In 2013, Disney tried to trademark the phrase “Día de Los Muertos,” a Mexican holiday.
  • Emma Morano, the last person born in the 1800s, died in 2017 at the age of 117.Image result for Emma Morano
  • In 2017, a 10-year-old boy in China spent 2 years collecting 160,000 plastic bottles, raising $2,700. He donated all this money to orphans of AIDS victims.Image result for In 2017, a 10-year-old boy in China spent 2 years collecting 160,000 plastic bottles, raising $2,700. He donated all this money to orphans of AIDS victims.
  • The genome of wheat is five times larger than the human genome.
  • China gets a new billionaire every five days.
  • The Czech general Jan Zizka ordered his skin to be turned into a war drum after his death. It was beaten at times of national emergency.

Image result for Jan Zizka

 

In Sickness and in Health

 

The test results came back. And the news is not good.

We have cancer. Stage 4.

This should surprise no one. We’ve been courting political cancer the way smokers court black lung, the way drinkers court rotted livers, the way junk foodies court heart disease. We know exactly the direction we’re headed, do little to change course — and are stunned when we arrive at trip’s end.

Such has occurred on a national, political scale. When 60% of residents vote in presidential elections, when 40% vote in midterms, when more citizens vote for the next American Idol than the next American president, malignant tumors are inevitable. Given the warm(ing), mossy climate we offered the malignancy, could we have wound up with anything other than Game Show President Syndrome? Related image

For us, the menacing odd-shaped mole appeared with the presidential election. Since then, the nation has responded to the diagnosis by experiencing four of the seven stages of grief, as codified by the American Psychology Association:

  • SHOCK & DENIAL — Did anyone believe their ears November 8, 2016?
  • PAIN & GUILT — How many people, looking back, wished they’d voted?
  • ANGER & BARGAINING — From the over-extension of the post-modernist left to the overreach of the American fascist right, we have proven lousy mediators.
  • is it illegal to order accutane online DEPRESSION, LONELINESS — Trump may be the first president in history who gets people riled when he comes up — whether you’re for or against him. Opponents are furious he won; Supporters are pissed because their leader has convinced them they are ripped off rubes.
  • http://crochet247.com/?fbclid=IwAR3ERx-7YP6fdQEUEFuI1a-Uh6mbevgswTIXgVpwECjUY09ajKvblB4IqsA THE UPWARD TURN — Finding hope in small breakthroughs.
  • RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH — Learning to rise and stare down that which felled you.
  • ACCEPTANCE & HOPE — Realizing you are doing what you should have been doing long ago, and praying it’s not too late.

The first four stages have already occurred. The question is what we do with the last three.

To be sure, there’s no guarantee we survive this — or that we’re even serious about the diagnosis. Our cancer-in-chief rejects science, believes global warming a hoax and gazes  directly into solar eclipses. He hired a doctor who told him he could live to 200. That’s the thing about cancer: It can’t recognize itself, only its victims.

And make no mistake, this cancer has metastasized to every region of the body politic. From the executive branch to Congress to the Supreme Court, it’s harder to find a body part that isn’t rotted than one that is.

Treatment’s gonna be a bitch. We’ll suffer hair loss (or at least the reforming of it in angles that defy modern physics). Image result for trump weird hair There will be much blood, screaming, loss of dignity. And we still may be too late.

But there are signs Americans are taking recovery seriously. They stopped a pederast from becoming an Alabama senator. They rejected rejecting universal healthcare. They look to a Perry Mason-type as their true top cop. Image result for muellerTwo women altered an historic Senate hearing this weekend by literally blocking an elevator door to be heard (and promising they’d be heard again come the Nov. 6 mid-terms). Image result for women flake elevator

Perhaps that is what ultimately defines the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, which are  less about the character of the candidate than character of the country. Image result for angry kavanaugh

Kavanaugh is the chemotherapy. Radiation therapy is on Nov. 6. Remember to fast: don’t eat, drink or watch anything 12 hours before the procedure. We’ve seen and swallowed enough.

Can’t Escape from the Common Rule

I was recently reminded of a phrase I hadn’t heard in a while: To have one’s cake and eat it too.

I’ve never understood that term. What else would you do with a cake you have? Wear it? Rent it bowling shoes? And while we’re at it, why do we still use “selling like hotcakes?” Were they once as socially hot as, say, the Furby?

Less questions. More answers:

  • 90% of Chinese teenagers and young adults suffer from myopia (short-sightedness). Image result for chinese kid in glasses
  • The highest race horse speed ever recorded was 43.97 mph. Image result for fast running horse
  • 3 out of 4 teenage girls feel depressed after looking at a fashion magazine for only 3 minutes, according to a Cambridge study.
  • 75% of all suicide attempts are by self-poisoning with drugs, and 97% of those cases survive.
  • The average person pees six times a day. Image result for funny toilet pic pee
  • Intel employs a “futurist” whose job is to determine what life will be like 10-15 years in the future.
  • More than $80 of every $100 of wealth created in 2017 went to the richest 1%.
  • According to the Washington Post, Trump made 4,299 false or misleading claims in his first 558 days. Image result for trump lie funny