To hear science tell it, here’s how they’d likely put last week’s news nugget: “Kimberly Guilfoyle, a 51-year-old California native, tested positive for COVID-19, joining a staggering 2.92 million Americans who have contracted the virus, which has already killed more than 132,000 U.S. citizens and more than a half million  Earth residents since December 2019.”

Science is just too reserved and self-respecting to tell the American public, Seeeee?

I, however, have no such restraint or self respect, nor a reason find either. So let me tell you what science wanted to say when it saw the headlines.We found it in a file labeled “when I’m dead and gone” after we hacked the lord’s computer to decipher the message many believe was sent from the heavens but wound up in our cultural spam box:

 

Dear mankind,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA🤡🤡🤡🤧🤧🤧☠️

With all due respect and peer-reviewed fuck off,

Copernicus Q. DarwinStein

ps. Scientology is the one true religion.