The coronavirus has prompted about two-thirds of American believers of all faiths to feel that God is telling humanity to change how it lives, a new poll finds.
While the virus rattles the globe, sparking economic upheaval for millions and killing more than 80,000 Americans, the findings of the poll by the University of Chicago Divinity School and The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research indicate that people may also be searching for deeper meaning in the devastating outbreak.
Fortunately, we here at the HB hacked the lord’s computer and intercepted the message god has sent the world (the password was locusts):
Hi kids,
Sorry I had to turn the car around, but you just don’t listen. Every century or so, you children need a reminder of your place in the universe. Namely, under its boot. Shape up, or you’re getting a dino-spanking. A few tips if you want to end your grounding and get your video games back:
Put on a goddamned, er, medamned mask.When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
Quit messing up my crib.I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
Stop claiming what — or who — has earned my respect. I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
Stop looking to me!Why do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
Among the nosy and intrusive questions I like to ask strangers (and there are many — questions) is: “What’s your favorite guilty pleasure TV?”
Granted, it’s a stupid question, as the answer itself requests stupidity.
But the answer is usually fascinating. TV is nothing if not an expensive mirror, at least of our subconscious. If someone is foolish enough to engage me in chatter, I like to go a level deeper: “What is your favorite realityshow guilty pleasure?”
That’s were the chaff and wheat really part ways, where the reflection turns from carnival mirror to Rorshach x-ray.
For one friend, the answer is dating shows. For another, it’s true crime. Cooking shows for one friend who is has fewer culinary skills than I, which is exactly the same as zero.
Judge Judy has long been my go-to answer. But now it’s A&E’s Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath. In its second season, the show was an instant hit, earning a nomination for tonight’s Emmy Awards. It has scored AMC-like viewership and even spawned two 15-minute mini episodes a day before and after each new show to siphon as much Nielsen blood as possible from this ratings 聽carotid artery.
I enjoy the show’s weekly skewering of a wacko religion. Of course, as spewed in an earlier column, I appreciate the lampooning of any religion, which, like guilty pleasure TV, requires bucketfuls of stupidity. And the show deserves real journalistic praise for taking on a litigious establishment, finding interview subjects who’ll speak on the record, and quoting text verbatim from Scientology scrolls. Bear Stearns should have faced such scrutiny.
Where the show utterly fails, however, is in recognizing its own irony. While Remini (rightfully) claims a determination to uncover a religious three-card monte, she refuses to acknowledge that she is engaging in another. She devotes entire episodes to answering viewers’ questions. Yet she has apparently not come across (or aired) 聽a single query that asks: After a religious scam, how do you view other religious doctrines?
That she remains quiet on the faith issue speaks volumes. Because as awful as the obscenities cataloged in the show, they are all child’s play compared to the practices of the faith we somehow deem sane:
The religion has scammed followers of well over $250 million. And? The pastor Ken Copeland has a net worth of $760 million and private airstrip for the ministry’s $17.5 million jet. Bishop T.D. Jakes has an individual net worth of $150 million and owns a diamond ring the size of a coin. 聽Pat Robertson’s net worth is $100 million alone.
Their god is Xenu, a space traveler who rules souls (thetans). Preposterous! Everyone knows god is a general contractor (though apparently not a very good one; there’s not even a wood-plank wine rack remaining, and that shit’s just a board with holes).
Apostates are stalked, abortion is encouraged, and followers are sent to “The Hole” for weeks, sometimes months, of menial labor for speaking out against the church. Horrible shit. Please do let me know when they burn women, finger bang child parishioners, detonate clinics, launch a Crusade 聽or fly planes into buildings.
This is apparently lost not only on Remini, but viewers at large. Take a look at the comments section to her show on any forum, and you will find reactions like this, from a small USA Today piece on church reaction to the show:
Kelly Jackman Bergel聽
If all the stories are fake why hasn’t this litigious organization sued?
Like聽路聽Reply聽路聽16聽路聽Aug 15, 2017 7:14am
Dan Peters
REMOVE their tax exempt status and see how long they last !
Like聽路聽Reply聽路聽17聽路聽Aug 15, 2017 9:14am
K.M. Schulten
It would hurt them but at this point, they have billions of dollars of assets around the world.
Like聽路聽Reply聽路聽1聽路聽Aug 15, 2017 9:25am
Tanya Patti Parkes聽
Amen Dan!
Like聽路聽Reply聽路聽Aug 16, 2017 2:31pm
Ad nausea(m). Amen, indeed, Tanya. And yes, K.M., you’re absolutely right: Their scams have made them an international powerhouse.
And the Lord said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.”
When I gave you dummies brains, it was to hold dominion over this ant farm. Instead of using it for critical thinking, you’re eyebrow-deep in conspiracy theories, panic porn and Tik Tok videos. Now you don’t even bother trying to keep your siblings safe. Keep it up, and I’m sending you to the basement, which I shall flood. Again.
I clearly made a mistake in permitting just one Homo Specimen to exist. Now you’ve got only-child syndrome. You’ve barfed all over the rug, permanent-markered the walls, and somehow got shit on the ceiling. And yet you still bitch about the mess. I’ve got an entire Universe to tend to, and — news flash — you’re not the only specimens in my lab. I should have added it in my Top 10 To-Do List: “Thou Shalt Clean Up After Thyself.”
I work in mysterious ways, remember? Even claiming you know my will or have my PIN code is blasphemy, which is why you have the sniffles and a fever in the first place. And who is this dipshit false idol who’s supposedly ordained by me? That guy was a factory reject. He think Easter Sunday commemorates the day the Easter bunny died. He once asked me, “What is a million years to you?” I said, “A million years to me is only a second.” He said, “What is a million dollars worth to you?” I said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So dummy said, “God, can I have a penny?” I told him, “Sure! Just a second.”
Why do you keep looking up here? I know this is going to sound like a Dear John letter, and I suppose it is. But you’re old enough to know: I’m not a great father. Truth be told, my first two kids ran away from home. I did unspeakable things to Job. I knocked up a hooker. I watched my favorite kid die. In short, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
