Tag Archives: cats

One Move, and Fido Gets It

Image result for funny cat

A few years ago, the HB ran a story headlined “Why Kittens Suck.” I was reminded of this while flipping through some old articles, and decided the headline, while in jest, was too harsh. Kittens do not suck; in truth, my house would be full of ’em if I weren’t such a dog nut.

But while flipping through the posts, I saw an ad for Avengers: Endgame. The scene featured The Hulk, the unfortunate doctor belted by gamma rays who was turned into a huge human with tiny patience. And I began to think: What would happen if our domesticated pets were doused with radioactive hocus pocus?

And here’s the bottom line: Humans would be dead. We’d drown beneath loving dog slobber and bleed to death as cats batted us about like yarn mice. Ok, maybe that’s still too harsh, but consider how entitled our feline friends are when they’re small:

Cats decide which bed is their bed. It is known.

And if you think they’re going to fully appreciate that $1,000 cat tree you bought for them, think again…

Because nothing gives cats joy like a good cardboard box, let’s be honest.

And in lieu of a box, they will sit in other box-like things — the more inconvenient to you, the better.

 You don’t decide what goes in the litter box. Your cat does.

Despite your best intentions, cats will poop where they decide is best to poop.

They shall sit where they deign to sit.

They don’t give a flying fart about wet paint…

Or Christmas spirit. Again: It is known.

You don’t pick out what you’re wearing today. Your cat does.

Paper towels? Only to be used at your cat’s discretion.

Enormously adorable cat bed? Not if Whiskers isn’t feeling it.

Admit it: Not only do cats live their lives exactly how they want to, but they also decide when you get to live **yours**.

‘Cause at the end of the day, there’s only room for one boss of the house…and you aren’t it, babe.

How Much Is That Human in the Window?

Guest column by Esme Bowles

 

Who says humans have the collective wit of inbred gorillas?

Well, I have, to be honest. But while I was on my human’s computer last week (I log on when he’s away to write crank letters to Cat Fancy magazine), I came across a story I had trouble believing: The primates in Congress passed a bipartisan bill.

And what drew the embittered parties in the together? The House passed a law making it a felony to eat cats and dogs. Seriously.

The bill, called the Dog and Cat Meal Trade Prohibition Act, would make it illegal to “knowingly slaughter, transport, possess, buy, sell or donate dogs or cats or their parts for human consumption.” Violators would be fined up to $5,000.

At first, I was elated. That creepy neighbor down the street eyes me like a roasted suckling pig every time I pass.

But the more I read, the more horrified I became. The article went on to note that eating dogs and cats is legal in 44 states.

What the fuck, people? We spend millennia guarding your homes, guiding your blind, pee-hydrating your petunias, allowing you to watch us crap in public, and this is your gratitude? Promising not to sell McYorkies?

Then I got to thinking: What other ludicrous laws have you hominid dummies left on the books? This is just a sample:

  • 22. Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina) Image result for funny bingo
  • 21. Chickens are not allowed to cross the road (Quitman, Georgia)
  • 20. If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison (Arizona)
  • 19. Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio)
  • 18. It’s illegal to sell your eyeballs (Texas)
  • 17. It’s against the law to sing off-key (North Carolina)
  • 16. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
  • 15. You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia) Image result for fried chicken with silverware
  • 14. Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah)
  • 13. Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
  • 12. It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico)
  • 11. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama) Not sure if that’s bear-on-bear or man-in-bear. Image result for bear wrestling
  • 10. You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)
  • 9 .You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday (Washington)
  • 8. It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana) Image result for garlic breath
  • 7. In San Antonio, flirting is against the law (Texas)
  • 6. It’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (Idaho)
  • 5. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)
  • 4. If you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up (Arizona)
  • 3. If you have a mustache, it’s illegal for you to kiss a woman (Eureka, Nevada) Image result for mustached man
  • 2. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Waynesboro, Virginia)
  • 1. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington)

I’m hopeful the Senate will approve the bill and the president will act immediately (after all, he appears to like canines: He got nearly all the way through Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors. Image result for Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors

Still, you never know with the Senate. I’m guessing the bill will stall when Mitch McConnell demands that turtles be added to the list. Image result for mitch mcconnell and turtle

 

Shut the Pod Bay Doors, Hal

 

I’m not so much a gadget freak as a gadget mutant alien virus.

My technology jones runs deep. I have four outdated cellular phones, a half dozen MP3 players and four digital cameras. My middle name could be iSucker.

I even like the ads for electronic stores. When I lived at home, I would seek the Sunday fliers for Best Buy and Circuit City, simply to marvel at Moore’s Law, the theorem that technology doubles every 18 months — so your computer and cell phones should be twice as fast, hold twice as much data, every year and a half — with requisite price hikes.

So Cyber Monday has become my Black Friday, as it has for millions of Americans: Roughly $6.6 billion sales are logged on Cyber Monday, a figure that must give brick and mortar shops a raging erection. Though it’s surprising that the ever-clever internet denizens didn’t come up with something more clever than Cyber Monday. If the creators of e-shopping really wanted to mock traditional stores, which is clearly part of the strategy, they would have called it “African-American Monday.”

Regardless, Amazon has gone nuts over the phenomenon it helped manifest. The site has created a cyber-flier that is replete with gizmos and whatzits. It’s terrific reading.

There’s a laptop about the weight of a candy bar. There’s an Alexa-powered webcam that looks like it came from NASA, with night vision and motion detector alerts sent to your phone.

But my favorite by far was Furbo, a remote dog treat dispenser.

The idea is fascinating. A remote camera keeps an eye on Fido, using your computer and even cellular phone to monitor the pup, scold it to stop incessant yapping, and reward it when it’s good. Tell Spot to sit, and you can remotely eject a dog treat to your canine.

This is the stuff of The Jetsons. As I read, I wondered: Are we really this bored and wealthy?

Turns out the answer is “goddamned straight.” Furbo had 1,049 reviews and a four-out-of-five-star rating. It also had 271 questions from interested buyers: Could you use your own dog treats? How long is the warranty? Does it works for cats? (For what do you even reward a cat? A furball-free day?)

As I scrolled through the questions, I noticed it didn’t address my primary one: What happens when a dog jacks its leg to pee on it? I’m guessing it happens, as there’s an entire YouTube cottage industry of dogs peeing on myriad targets: cats, new shoes, sunbathers, etc. Teddy once peed on chair at the dog park. An occupied chair.

So, on a smartass-ian lark, I asked the simple question 271 others  would not: “Is it urine-proof?”

I expected that the seller would not even post the joke. At best, I would get a similarly snarky response, like “No, but it is fecal-resistant.”

Instead, I immediately received a spate of replies. “No, it’s plastic but still an electrical device;” “Perhaps — I would elevate it to the height of a treat jar,” etc. Apparently, the question raised a real issue — one not mentioned in the entire ad for Furbo.

But there was one reply in particular that caught my eye, from Lisa S. I knew it would have the inevitable, anonymous air of the internet era, which has ushered mankind into the Iron(y) Age. The primary advancement of the period: veiled asshole-nish. The letter began with “I don’t know,” which begs another question: Then why reply in ‘Answers?’ It also was clearly her chance to brag on her pets.

“I don’t know,” she wrote. “Mine sits on the counter and my dogs are housebroken.”

So I sent her the only response I could think:

“Oh, I don’t have a dog.”

Have a holly jolly!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elHwMiJouUs