’The Union:’ Treasure of Talent, Trash Heap of Film


What do you get when you add two Oscar winners, a double nominee, and an awful script? An awful movie with criminally misspent talent. The Union is a masterclass in squandering potential.

At its core, The Union is supposed to be a high-octane thriller about a group of elite, ex-military operatives who are coerced into reuniting for one last mission. They’re tasked with taking down “The Syndicate,” a shadowy organization that’s somehow both omnipresent and utterly incompetent.

On paper, it sounds like the setup for a tense, action-packed film. In execution, it’s a bloated, nonsensical mess that seems to actively despise its audience’s intelligence.

The film opens with what should be a heart-pounding heist scene, but instead, it feels like watching a poorly edited video game cutscene. J.K. Simmons, playing the world-weary , but looks visibly uncomfortable here, like he knows how bad this is but is contractually obligated to see it through.

Halle Berry’s character, a supposedly brilliant hacker with a tragic past, is introduced in a sequence that feels like it was lifted from a bad TV procedural. We see her typing furiously at a computer, spouting technobabble that makes no sense even by Hollywood standards.

Mark Wahlberg, in what should be a role tailor-made for his tough-guy persona, is reduced to a caricature. His character is the hot-headed leader, but instead of being dynamic or compelling, he comes off as a one-note brute. There’s a scene where Wahlberg’s character confronts the villain, expecting to deliver a memorable showdown.

Instead, it’s a laughable exchange where the villain spouts off monologues about chaos and power that sound like they were written by a college freshman trying too hard to be deep.

The film’s pacing is another disaster. In one particularly baffling sequence, the team infiltrates a high-security compound. What should have been a carefully orchestrated operation turns into a confusing, poorly choreographed shootout. Characters move in and out of frame with no sense of geography or logic, and the camera work is so chaotic that it’s impossible to tell what’s happening. When the dust settles, there’s no sense of accomplishment or relief—just exhaustion from trying to keep up with the nonsensical action.

And then there’s the climax, where all the narrative threads are supposed to come together in a satisfying conclusion. Instead, it feels like the writers just gave up. The final confrontation with The Syndicate is so underwhelming that it’s hard to believe this is what the entire movie was building towards. Characters we’re supposed to care about are dispatched with little fanfare, and the supposed “twists” are so telegraphed that they land with a dull thud.

Ultimately, The Union commits the ultimate cinematic sin: it’s boring. No amount of star power can save it from its dismal script, and the result is a movie that’s as forgettable as it is frustrating.

I’d go undercover with this one.

The Bovine Buddy Phenomenon


Cows have best friends.

Lists of the world’s most intelligent animals don’t often feature cows, but our bovine friends have more emotional depth than they tend to get credit for. A 2011 study by scientists at the University of Northampton in England revealed that not only do cows have best friends, but they also get stressed out when separated from their BFFs — a relatable quality if ever there were one. The research was conducted by comparing heart rates and cortisol levels during 30-minute sessions in which a cow was penned with a “preferred partner” it was known to have a close bond with, then a “familiar but nonpreferred individual.” When the besties shared a pen together, their heart rates were lower and other signs of stress were also reduced.

Cows aren’t the only animals that form friendships. Chimpanzees and bonobos do, too, as do several others, including dolphins, horses, certain birds, and marmots. Dolphins can identify their friends by taste, whereas most other creatures are known for simply grooming, remaining in close proximity to, and touching their besties — capuchin monkeys, for example, gently stick their fingers in one another’s eye sockets as a bonding ritual. So don’t be offended if you get Shemped.