The Center Square


Peter Marshall: “Eddie Fisher recently said, ‘I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.’ Who was he referring to?”
Paul Lynde: “His fans.”


Marshall: “According to Tony Randall, ‘Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…’ what?”
Lynde: “Bitterly disappointed.”


Marshall: “Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?”
Lynde: “Gee, I don’t remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn’t buy their cookies.”


Marshall: “Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?”
Lynde: “No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.”


Marshall: “Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?”
Lynde: “Full speed ahead!”


Marshall: “What are ‘dual-purpose cattle’ good for that other cattle aren’t?”
Lynde: “They give milk… and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.”


Marshall: “Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?”
Lynde: “Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.”


Marshall: “According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?”
Lynde: “11.”


Marshall: “What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?”
Lynde: “Point and laugh!”


Marshall: “In ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?”
Lynde: “He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.”


Marshall: “In the Shakespearean play ‘King Lear,’ King Lear had three of them – Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?”
Lynde: “King Lear had Goneril?”


Marshall: “Paul, everyone knows the first verse: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?”
Lynde : [singing] “Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning.” [audience laughs] “How disgusting… that poor sailor!”


Marshall: “True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?”
Lynde: “From ONE midnight ride?”


Marshall: “Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. What was it?”
Lynde: “Let’s see… toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?”
Marshall: “Now cut that out!”
Lynde: “Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?”

The Migrant Crime Fiction

Here’s an ad you won’t see this election year, but should: The migrant crime crisis is bullshit.

It’s a convenient, easy scapegoat used to justify harsh policies, sow division, and fuel the fearmongering machine that keeps their poll numbers afloat. But when you strip away the hysteria and actually look at the data, the truth is clear: migrants don’t drive crime.

Let’s get one thing straight. Migrants are fleeing violence, persecution, and economic despair. They aren’t coming to your country to commit crimes—they’re coming to escape them.

And yet, conservative leaders and media outlets continue to sell this fear that somehow, immigrants are turning neighborhoods into war zones.

It’s a lazy, harmful narrative with no statistical backbone. If anything, it’s a reflection of how little politicians want to focus on the real causes of crime—like poverty, inequality, and broken social systems.

But don’t just take my word for it. Let’s look at the numbers:

• According to a 2018 DOJ and DHS report, non-citizens make up only 6.4% of the federal prison population, despite being 13.7% of the U.S. population.

• The American Immigration Council found that immigrants are less likely to commit serious crimes than native-born citizens, with increased immigration correlating with decreases in violent crime.

• FBI data reveals that as immigration increased over the past several decades, violent crime rates dropped significantly across the U.S., with no evidence linking higher immigration to more crime.

These are the facts. Yet, we’re bombarded with news stories that magnify the rare instances of crime committed by immigrants, creating the illusion that migrant crime is rampant. It’s not.

The migrant crime myth thrives because fear is a hell of a motivator. But it’s time we started demanding more from our leaders than using immigrants as political piñatas.

It’s not the migrants who are the problem. It’s the bullshit narrative that blames them for everything wrong in society. And that’s what needs to change.

Is Truth Still A Viable Commodity?

Ernest Hemingway once said, “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” The task seemed simple then.

But today, truth feels like a rarer currency, something we barter rather than believe.

News has become selective. Social media algorithms feed us content tailored to our preferences, while partisan outlets push stories that align with their viewers’ beliefs. Instead of seeking facts, we curate them like playlists, choosing the narratives that fit our worldview.

In this fragmented landscape, the question remains: Are we trading in truth anymore?

Truth, as a commodity, used to be non-negotiable. News was once the pursuit of fact, an honest reckoning with what happened, and where it might lead. Now, we buy and sell versions of the truth that suit our personal narratives.

We choose networks and feeds like we choose products. Want a reality where your side is always right? Fox and MSNBC offer a buffet of confirmation. Want to believe facts are optional? Plenty of outlets will cater to your taste.

Maybe truth hasn’t changed. Maybe we have. We no longer ask if something is true, but if it aligns with what we want to believe.

That’s dangerous. Once truth becomes flexible, the consequences are rigid. It allows leaders to claim “alternative facts,” to sell conspiracies, and to weaponize belief. What’s more, it allows us to accept those lies, as long as they match our worldview.

We curate facts as we curate playlists. It’s easy to tune out the inconvenient, and who needs the whole story when you’ve got the bits that suit you?

But Hemingway’s wisdom still holds. Write one true sentence. Speak one true word. If we stop trading in truth, we lose not just the news but the reality we live in.

Truth is not just a commodity; it’s our compass.

Without it, we’re lost.