Category Archives: The Evidentialism Files

The Corona Diaries

Image result for take the money and run movie

Episode X: Take the Money and Run

 

Make no mistake: I have every intention of cashing the $1,200 check the Trump administration promises to send to every working American to get through the coronavirus pandemic.

But make no mistake: This “relief” package must have been thought up by the magna cum laudes at Trump University. Because this has bogus PHD written all over it. Image result for trump university funny pic

I’m not a math guy. I don’t get how numbers work except in magic tricks (and I usually screw those up). But even a rudimentary grasp of division illuminates the screw job by the president.

Consider how much $2 trillion is. And we’re going to get a one-time payment of $1,200 to live perhaps well into the summer? Where, dear lawmakers, do you live? What do you do for food? Have you ever tried so see how far you get on $1,200?Image result for how much is a trillion

About this far.

This is clearly an impossibility in the Economic Darwinism that is U.S. capitalism, but let’s say for a moment that the government decided to  put that money into the hands of the U.S. populace (the people who actually run the economy).

There are 246 million adults in America, according to the latest census data. A $2 trillion stimulus would put a check of $8,130.10. Cut another way, $1,000 a month for eight months (nearly through summer entirely).

We are already flirting with the idea of a Universal Basic Income for Americans. The estimated cost of living, proponents say, puts a UBI at $1,600 a month.

What an opportunity to test the theorem! In a limited window. With capped relief funds. While Americans are open to new realities in a post-corona world.

Instead, we’ll get $296 billion of the $2 trillion relief fund. The other $1.7 billion will go to the corporations our lawmakers say are in desperate need of an influx. Don’t worry, they say: Look how well the $800 billion bank bailout helped the working class in 2008.

That’s not piss; it’s trickle down economics, homes.

The Corona Diaries

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Chapter VI: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Man, Mickey must be pissed.

Sure, there have been no confirmed cases of mice catching coronavirus. But America’s biggest sure took it on the chin the last couple months.

Consider: Its theme parks; closed. Its theatrical films; shuttered. It’s sports empire, ESPN and all its umbrella channels…well, unspeakable things happened to them. More on them in a second.

Last week, Disney was trading at $150 a share. This week, it’s going for $90. And if corona doesn’t magically evaporate in warm air, as Cpl. Bone Spurs predicts, and the virus plows into summer, Mickey may have to cut a bitch (tool up, Minnie).Image result for mickey mouse minnie fighting

But it’s hard to blame Disney investors for bailing ship. I pored over the ESPNs Sunday night lineup — normally the network’s biggest night — and these were the prime time shows they were promoting. Granted, it was ESPN 2. But that’s the network’s second biggest draw. They’d have had a sterling lineup for March Madness.

Alas, this is what we’re reduced to. The listing is in bold, the description in italics. Almost as interesting as the “sport” is the inherent knowledge these people spent many hours of their lives honing the craft. And legions follow them:

Herrenberg Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

The 46th Annual Cherry Pit-Spitting Competition from Eau Claire, Mich.Image result for Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

I watched a little of this; no matter the color of what you’re spitting, it still looks like you’re trying to hock a loogie across a room.

 

Professional Arm Wrestling Championship

From Dec. 9, 2006 in Uncasville, Conn.Image result for Professional Arm Wrestling Championship From Dec. 9, 2006 in Uncasville, Conn.

Okay, this is a real sport. But what happened in 2006 that made it so interesting?

 

2019 Golden Tee World Championship

Highlighting and hard hitting moments from the 2019 World Championships, including nail-biting final matches between Mark Stenmark and newcomer Jared Decker.Image result for 2019 Golden Tee World Championship stenmark decker

This is a video golf game. I guess this must have been the Bird-Magic showdown of the  e-links.

 

2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

Contestants compete in Nintendo’s Tetris to decide the world champion.Image result for 2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

Is this still a thing? Was 2018 the last hear it was played?

 

Dodgeball

“America’s Cup: Canada vs. United States”  USA faces off against Canada for the 2nd Americas Dodgeball Continental Cup.Image result for dodgeball usa vs canada 2019

Continental Cup is certainly a regal name for a sport that centers around taking a shot to the nads.

 

2019 Jelle’s Marble Runs

Teams compete in this highlight show of the 2019 championships of marble racing.Image result for 2019 Jelle’s Marble Runs

I’m sure Jelle has a lot of consultants, but it may want to reconsider “Marble Runs.” Sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s experiment gone horribly awry.

 

Slippery Stairs: College Tour

The latest group of contestants race to the top of the Slippery Stairs.Image result for Slippery Stairs: College Tour

Sure, it’s fun. But you should check out Slippery Stairs: Nursing Home Showdown.

 

Dodge Juggle 3

Five jugglers running and juggling in hopes to keep their juggle alive as people throw dodgeballs at them to attempt to make them slip.Image result for Dodge Juggle 3

I desperately want to see this. If it’s part 3, you know it’s gotta be good! (Godfather, Matrix, Superman, Iron Man, Spider Man, X-Men, Pirates of the Caribbean, Terminator, Transformers)

Moxie Games 3

A collective event for a variety of avant-garde skills and sports ranging from combat juggling to martial arts volleyball, pool trick shot competitions and bottle flipping.Image result for Moxie Games 3

Combat juggling is avant-garde? Can I interest you in my new sport: javelin-catching?Image result for javelin catching

The Corona Diaries

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Chapter IV: A New Hope

 

I awakened today to another missive reminding me of the New World Order. This time, it was from my dentist.

The letter said that, despite Los Angeles County’s shut down of all non-essential businesses, the office was permitted to operate by appointment-only (did it ever operate any other way? Were walk-in root canals common?). The county, the letter beamed, had determined “we are essential.”

At first I was mildly relieved. Good to know in an emergency.

Then I panicked. What is considered an essential business? I knew the malls were closed, but I hadn’t been in one of those in months. Same with schools, strip malls and airports. Again, I gave not a shit.

But the email got me thinking about individual businesses. Mom & pop shops. The auto mechanic. The small hardware store owner.

Just kidding. I thought about Jack in the Box. Image result for jack in the box

Where was I supposed to get my sausage croissant with hash browns? Or Tiny Tacos with hash browns? Or hash browns?

I hurried Esme into the batpod (my smart car) and we tore ass down Vanowen Street toward junk food junction, where a McDonald’s, Del Taco and Jack duke it out everyday.

As I neared the intersection, I could see bustle at all three establishments. In fact, the line of cars at Jack circled the building.  How long, I wondered, until more businesses added a drive-thru component? Think about it: How handy would it be to order staple items online at Ralph’s, pay for it, and have it freshly packed and refrigerated when you pick it up? Groceries are beginning delivery service, but wouldn’t it be better have them freshly packed and chilled, as opposed to sitting in the back of a stoner’s Hyundai while he gets to other customers?

Turns out, fast food is essential. Seeeeee, Mom? Told you.

Of course, that didn’t help me with my immediate problem: I was not going to wait in a line that resembled Disneyland’s.

Fortunately, I have what doctors refer to as “crapdar.” I can innately sense where junk food is being distributed, either in frozen, fast or microwaveable form. And I my crapdar had, months ago, ferreted out a Jack in the Box a little further north, tucked next to a shuttered car wash and adjacent to an Amtrak railroad line. I’ve always loved it, not only for its hole-in-the-wall emptiness, but I love the sound of a train. It’s the mainstay of any city surf, and I can hear it from my house. At night, the city surf can be as soothing as any beach, if you listen soft enough.

And, sure enough, there was no one in line. I ordered my Tiny Tacos and hash browns. As we waited, a train rumbled toward us.

The warning bells sounded, the barriers dropped. Traffic began to pile, waiting for the train to pass. It did, whistling loudly as it crossed the intersection. There was not a soul aboard.

Still, I drove home happy — particularly as I passed the dumbasses still in line at junk food junction. I recognized a couple cars that had not even made it to the order window yet.

As I pulled into the garage, it hit me: Those routines we follow, the habits we form, the familiar motions that serve as a security blanket against virulent winds. Many of those exist still. Right here. Within our reach. Maybe it’s a person. Maybe it’s an animal. Maybe it’s tiny tacos.

Regardless, recognize them. Embrace them. Celebrate them.

That is the true essential.