Category Archives: The Evidentialism Files

A Wonderful Calamity

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Yesterday should have been a shitty day.

I woke up nauseas and filled with bile after hearing President AssHat call the coronavirus a hoax. That man is a living argument for abortion and atheism.

When I got to my polling station for Super Tuesday (it had been changed  to a far less convenient location for some reason), cars were gridlocked. The geniuses in the party had selected an elementary school as the new station, as it could hold more ballot boxes. Fair enough.

But the school was at the end of a quiet cul de sac, and it was a school day. By 2:30 p.m., tiny Basset Street looked like the 405. Volvo station wagons backed fearfully down the street as kids darted about. When you did find a parking spot, a line that led out the auditorium and into the parking lot awaited you. There, too, adults and kids had to play bullfighter with the cars, narrowly dodging iron bulls.

After a 35-minute wait, I reached the auditorium — where an election volunteer announced that the entire system crashed. In an exasperated monotone, she listed other voting polling places as if she were reading school closures after a heavy snow. Van Nuys Elementary. Van Nuys Animal Shelter. Bueller. Bueller? She didn’t bother with addresses.

After much muttering, the people in the auditorium dispersed. One woman yelled at a volunteer for not having a backup system, as if that were his task. After she was done berating him, I walked up. “You guys should hang a sign outside so people don’t go through the hassle of parking and waiting,” I told the man, who was frantically packing up tape and boxes.

“Thank you,” he said without looking up. “You should call the party and suggest that.”

I sighed and walked out, then began walking the length of the line to tell them that the system and crashed and they were misdirecting us.

Not a single person moved, asked a follow-up question or even acknowledged the warning they were in for a half hour cattle call.Image result for super tuesday long lines

And that’s when the day turned. I realized: They weren’t moving because they suspected I may be trying to discourage them voting. And they weren’t having that.  I looked: That was a longer line than I’d ever seen for a California election, including Obama’s. I heard: People were joking, laughing, and seemingly unconcerned with the bureaucratic hoops they had to leap to vote.  When I got home I saw a local news report from another polling place that had also fritzed out. Regardless, the reporter said, people planned to wait the estimated 1 1/2 hours to get the machines back up. And you just know they waited longer than that.

But it’s hard not to feel the palpable energy in the populace. I had received no fewer than three texts and two visits from political volunteers leading up to Super Tuesday. Friends reported the same. People seemed ready to brawl. The silver lining on the day now felt blinding.

I still don’t think Trump will give up the keys to the White House, even if he suffers landslide losses. I still think he’ll appeal the election up to a Supreme Court he owns. That fucking pisses me off.

Yesterday I learned I hardly own the patent on the sentiment.

 

 

 

Never Forget, Jackass.

The Republican elephant made its first appearance in this 1874 cartoon by Thomas Nast. A fox in the bottom right corner represents the Democratic party.

Hawk-eyed HB correspondent Earl Troglin spotted the hilarious video below a day ago. And it got me thinking about politics, of all things. Maybe that shrill den from the Democratic debate is still ringing in my ears.

Regardless, I couldn’t help but think that the creatures in the video make an odd symbol for the Republican Party. Have Republicans ever been this funny, let alone enjoyed life so much? All humans, for that matter?

But back to the symbols. I know WHY the GOP is represented by an elephant. A Harper’s  cartoonist, Thomas Nast, penned the image as a mockery of them, not a plaudit for them, during the 1860s. Same for Democrats, who were represented by the donkey. This political cartoon by Thomas Nast, taken from a 1879 edition of Harper's Weekly, was an early use of the elephant and the donkey to sybolize the Republican and Democratic parties.

The mystery is why both parties would agree to adopt the symbols. Perhaps  Nast was simply too popular with the public to even attempt re-branding. Nast also drew the iconic images of Santa and Uncle Sam.

Though the word was born in Europe in the mid 16th century, modern urban myth held that the word “nasty” came from the name Nast, so popular was he. He would become known as the nation’s first political cartoonist. But why would his primary targets not only accept the labels, but embrace them? How times have changed. Ish. Now we have one of Nast’s creations running the show. Image result for nast political cartoons

I get Democrats’ grudgingly accepting donkey status. We are asses, of myriad suffixes: Jack_, Dumb_, Arrogant_, you name it.

But elephant? The cult of Trump can’t remember that slavery ended in 1865, or that women got the right to vote in 1920. And have you ever seen footage of Trump laughing? Why are there no right-leaning versions of SNL, late shows, or Bill Maher on the air? Perhaps it’s tough to be funny when you’re not allowed to criticize The Great Leader. Or god. Image result for bill maher

But enough with the windbagging. You’re here for elephants!

 

‘Perhaps He’s Dead, I’ll Just Make Sure’

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With 2020 barely on the calendar and impeachment barely heated up, it’s already clear 2020 will not be the year of seeing clearly. Despite that unpleasant reality, we want to begin the decade with a few Factslaps to at least get us off on a true start:

  • Google intends to scan all known existing 129 million unique books by the end of  2020.Image result for rare books
  • Finland is the world’s happiest country, according to the 2019 World Happiness Report.Image result for finland happy
  • Abraham Lincoln believed black people should not have the right to vote, serve on juries, or intermarry with whites.Image result for Abraham Lincoln believed black people should not have the right to vote, serve on juries, or intermarry with whites.
  • Mars has the largest dust storms in the Solar System. They can last for months and can cover the entire planet.Image result for mars dust storm
  • 51% of Americans fear snakes, most than any other thing in the world.Image result for fear of snakes
  • New Zealand’s native Maori make up only 15% of the population, but over 50% of the imprisoned population.Image result for maori new zealand
  • Mouse sperm is larger than elephant sperm.Image result for mouse and elephant
  • In the U.S., meat is treated with carbon monoxide to make it look fresh. Image result for meat carbon dioxide
  • Cows moo in accents specific to their region, just like humans.Image result for cows moo with regional accents
  • Thinking in a foreign language leads to better decisions.Image result for thinking in a foreign language leads to better decisions
  • Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom.Image result for Research shows that if you're afraid of spiders, you're more likely to find one in your bedroom.