Category Archives: The Everyman Chronicles

Notice: Your Free Subscription to America Has Expired


Dārayyā APOLOGIES: YOUR FREE TRIAL OF AMERICA HAS ENDED

Valued Users,

For 250 years, you’ve enjoyed complimentary access to the United States of America. At no cost, you received postal service, drinkable water, relative safety from kings, and, for many of you, voting rights—eventually.

Well, the free ride is over. America is moving to a subscription model.

Why? Not because we have to. We just like money. And power. And money again.

FEATURES BEING REMOVED

Effective immediately, the following free features will be discontinued:

  • Rule of Law: Now premium.
  • Clean Elections: Paywalled.
  • Free Press: Behind a subscription portal nobody can afford.
  • Separation of Powers: Retired. Too confusing for new users.
  • No Kings, Ever: Oops.

Eggs now cost $800. That is unrelated but, frankly, hilarious to us.

NEW FEATURES

We’re proud to introduce several exciting innovations you didn’t ask for:

  • National Guard on Demand: They just show up now. No request required.
  • State-Controlled Business: Don’t worry; you weren’t using “freedom” anyway.
  • Masked Men in Vans: For when you “share an opinion.”
  • CEO-for-Life Mode: Our new leadership model. All glitches intentional.

USER FEEDBACK

You told us you loved personal liberty, economic opportunity, and the American dream. You were iffy on gun violence, but it turns out we bundled that feature so deeply into the code we can’t uninstall it. Sorry!

PRICING

To continue accessing America, please deliver $5 million in unmarked bills to our CEO. He will consider sparing you.

For the America Premium Plus Ultra Deluxe package, which includes:

  • An explanation from the Supreme Court
  • Roads that work
  • A single functioning public school

…please submit all assets, children, and loyalty pledges directly to headquarters.

FINAL NOTE

Freedom isn’t free. And starting now, it isn’t freedom.

Thank you for your compliance.

Treat Cellphones Like Handguns


Children died praying last week in Minnesota.

Two students were killed, eighteen wounded, as a 23-year-old former student fired through stained-glass windows at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis. He carried a rifle, a shotgun, a pistol. He left behind a manifesto, hate-filled and rehearsed.

Politicians swore outrage. They promised answers. They offered prayers. They will do nothing.

We have lived this scene before, at schools, malls, churches, and will again. Each time, the reasons come quick: mental illness, guns, broken families, too much hate. And each time, change dies before the victims are buried.

So here is a thought: Treat cell phones like handguns on school grounds.

Every student over thirteen carries one. Every threat spreads through one. Every panic, every rumor, every live-streamed tragedy begins with one glowing screen.

Guns kill. But phones feed the frenzy, spread the fear and flood the day with noise until no one sees danger forming.

The fix could be simple:

  • Students keep phones in lockers or leave them home.
  • Bring one into class, it’s confiscated until the final bell.
  • Districts issue flip phones for emergencies, call and text only.
  • Courts already allow schools to limit speech and search lockers. A phone, like a weapon, can be restricted when safety demands it.

Yes, it would face lawsuits. Yes, it would anger parents. As did metal detectors. As did locker checks. As did lockdown drills.

Phones are not guns. But they have become the eyes and ears of every crisis. We regulate backpacks, dress codes, food allergies. We can regulate this.

We cannot control minds. We cannot erase every gun. But we can slow the flood of fear, the instant spread of chaos, the culture that treats tragedy like content.

Politicians won’t touch guns. Fine. Let them explain why phones deserve freer reign than cigarettes or knives or megaphones in the middle of algebra.

Children died praying. That should be enough to try something bold.

Treat cell phones like handguns on school grounds. Lock them away. Limit their use. Give classrooms back to teachers and kids.

It will feel radical. So did seat belts. So did banning drunk driving. So does every law that puts lives first.