Category Archives: The Contrarian

Slick Mitch, the Hypocritical Homophobe

 

That’s it. I’m turning the car around.

I warned you: If you didn’t stop bickering and playing “he’s touching my side of the seat,” I’d call off the trip to Disney. But you persisted. So now it’s off.

Fucking brats.

Fear not. I don’t have kids. I do, however, have a television. And despite our pleas to government leaders to stop arguing over something as inconsequential as a pile of bricks, to bring an adult into the room, we watched as you continued to call each other names — until 800,000 people were forced to work for free or give up their jobs entirely.

But in truth, there is an adult in the room. He just refuses to come out of the closet.

His name is Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr., Kentucky’s senior Senator and the Senate Majority Leader. At least, that’s his job title.

In reality, he is persona non grata. As Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi dominate headlines and news coverage, McConnell is conspicuously absent from media scrutiny. We keep hearing about the stalemate between Democrats and Republicans, yet nothing about the person who essentially serves as the father of Congress in its entirety. While he’s only a hick senator, McConnell somehow has the power to determine if House bills are even introduced to the Senate floor for debate (thanks a bunch, founding fathers).Image result for trump vs. pelosi

That puts the showdown squarely at his feet.

It’s easy (and plausible) to also lay it in front of Trump and Pelosi, who bicker like embittered spouses in a divorce. Yet both have at least attempted to open the government (even if their own agendas drive the attempt). Pelosi has sent two bills to reopen government and debate the wall later. Trump has offered temporary DACA relief for a permanent wall. However empty the offers, they are, at least, offers.

Sure, both are trying to sell the other bridges. But at least they’re feigning what the public (and a majority of Congressional representatives) desire: to give the U.S. government a jump start and revive critical government services.

McConnell isn’t even feigning. His rationale: The president will veto a House bill, so he refuses to bring it to the Senate for debate. That’s like a winless  football team scheduled to play an undefeated one. You’re going to lose anyway, so why even take the field?Image result for friday night lights holding hands

Any coach who proposed such a tactic would have their ass introduced to the door in nanoseconds. Yet McConnell skates unquestioned, even by colleagues who’d like groups like the TSA, Border Patrol and the Food and Drug Administration paid for services rendered. But the only thing McConnell seems capable of hearing is Trump’s zipper, which brings him immediately to his knees, mouth agape.Image result for shutdown let me work sign

How does the cowardice go unchecked? Even the president seems to want a way out, feeling the mounting public resentment of politicians continuing to collect paychecks while their minions remain in indentured servitude (Trump continues to be paid $400,000 a year, while the 579 in Congress still collect $174,000 annually). McConnell, by the way, still brings home a $193,400 paycheck.

That Trump and Pelosi want this argued — even if still ends in stalemate — is patently clear. That McConnell won’t even allow the debate is patently criminal — and an insult to every one of his colleagues.

We in the press need to identify all the culprits, beginning with Sen. jowls. And those in government need to stand up to a deadbeat dad.

Maybe someone could stick this video in one of his neck flaps. Just look what wondrous things can happen when an adult allows a kid to tackle a seemingly impossible task.

 

When the Buzz Saw Hits Bone

 

The media outlet Buzzfeed had to down a plateful of crow today, served up by none other than Robert Mueller.

The meal was unexpected for a couple of reasons. One, Buzzfeed is as much of a news outlet as Scientology is a religion. In fact, they share a similar modus operandi: Both try to attract followers for cash, not enlightenment.

Second, and more startlingly, was the waiter. Mueller tends to treat media reports like fresh turds. He avoids them like he’s walking barefoot.Image result for stern mueller

But his office couldn’t ignore Buzzfeed‘s “bombshell” story last night: Citing two anonymous sources, it said Mueller’s office suspected thug lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen had been ordered to lie to Congress by none other than the president.

In a rare rebuke, Mueller’s office issued an official repudiation. While it did not specifically name the errors in the story, special counsel spokesperson Peter Carr told BuzzFeed its “description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s congressional testimony are not accurate.”

As expected, Buzzfeed stood by its report, calling on Mueller’s office to be specific on the claimed inaccuracies. Even worse, Chris Cuomo, the news anchor at cable TV’s (usually) most unbiased 24/7 news outlet, offered this little editorial nugget, claiming Mueller’s office damaged the already-tarnished view of news media:

“Mueller didn’t do the media any favors tonight and he did do the president one,” Cuomo cawed. “This allows them to say, ‘You can’t believe it, you can’t believe what you read, you can’t believe what you hear, you can only believe us,’” Cuomo then added, ”‘Even the special counsel says that the media doesn’t get it right.’”

With all due respect to Cuomo, CNN and the kids at Buzzfeed: Go fuck yourselves.

To CNN: What’s your message here? That to call us out for inaccuracy is to be the enemy, on the wrong side of a firefight? Our job is to get it right. And when we don’t, or are accused of being wrong, our job is to back up our words with the facts we reported.

Mueller’s job isn’t to do anyone favors. Neither the media nor the president. His job is to get to the truth. Would we even believe his investigation if was doing anyone favors?

And it’s not like Mueller to capriciously refute a media report. For instance, his office said nothing last week when  The New York Times reported that the FBI had opened an investigation into whether Trump was acting as a Russian agent after his firing of James Comey. Was he doing the media a favor then and the president a disfavor? Clearly, his office speaks up when it finds something to be egregiously off.

To Buzzfeed: How can you seriously ask Mueller’s office to provide you with specific details of their claim when you quote unnamed sources? You’re not playing with a double edged sword here; you’re playing with a doubled edged sword with a razor blade handle. Why don’t you man-up behind your story first, and we’ll talk details.

A bit more about Buzzfeed: Here are a few headlines from your edition Saturday. “ 27 Cheap Products To Actually Organize All The Small Stuff/Everything is under $25!” And “ http://childpsychiatryassociates.com/contact/ 12 People Who Posted On Social Media Without Giving A Single F (Featuring savage moms.)” And “ 34 Genius Products That Will Fix Your Small (But Annoying) Problems/Button extenders that will add an extra 1″ to my waistline? Where were you when I was suffering at Thanksgiving dinner?”

Understand: Every time Buzzfeed does a story on products for sale, it gets a cut of that sale. They admit it with this caveat before each glowing review of a product:  “We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.”

Just because you admit you profit off of (invariably positive) “reviews” of merchandise doesn’t make your story valid. It just makes it an ad, dimwits.

And to Cuomo, whose catch phrase before each newscast is “Let’s get at it.” Ok, let’s.Image result for chris cuomo

Mueller taking a media report to task has the absolute opposite effect of emboldening the president. In fact, it undercuts Trump’s “fake news” mantra and gives credence to Mueller’s investigation (Trump inadvertently praised Mueller by citing the release to bash Buzzfeed‘s story). If Mueller is in no one’s camp — and willing to call a media report inaccurate — it’s tougher to call him biased, let alone a witch hunter.

This speaks to a larger issue: the public distrust of media. No outlet is as critical of the president as this one. We have no problem calling Trump out on everything from outright lies to uneducated misspellings (hamberders?).Image result for trump hamberders

But not at the cost of accuracy. The truth is the only currency we can carry.

And the truth is this: The president is onto something about us, though, predictably, he is ignorantly off-point. America isn’t riddled with fake news. But when outlets make a profit on trending stories and click-bait, it’s riddled with something much worse:

Non news.

 

 

 

We Don’t Need No Education

 

Imagine you’re a parent of two toddlers and have foolishly bought a toy from the devil (Who knows? Maybe the kids were your first sucker’s bet with Beelzebub).  After the transaction, you learn the details of the Faustian bargain: The toy will forever please them, but it cannot be withheld from them. They must be allowed to play with it.

You’re driving home with it, and the toddlers in the backseat begin to bawl over who gets to play with it first. What do you do?Image result for crying kids in backseat

I’ve asked several parents, including my mother, that question. Every one have said they would break the devil’s deal and smash the toy. But I suggest this as a counter if you had to abide by the terms: You decide which child is the more reasonable, and explain that the immature one gets it first, and the more mature one will get an equal amount of playtime afterward. A bitter pill for the mature child, to be sure. But the only way  to not veer off the road and through the bridge, killing you all.

That’s where we are now. Donald Trump is the devil. The border wall is the toy. And the parties are the bawling kids. Unfortunately, there is no parent in the car. So it’s up to the more mature child to swallow the bitter pill.

Yet neither kid is opting to take on the role. Trump would no sooner cave on the wall than he would read a book. And Nancy Pelosi said in an interview this weekend she would not concede “one dollar” to the $5.7 billion dollar wall bill — or 1/8 of 1% of America’s $4 trillion budget. That means the toy could be bought at a 99 cent store — with change.Image result for 99 cent store toy

Meanwhile, 800,000 American federal employees received a paycheck Friday that read $0.00 — along with news that neither side is willing to give an inch.

How dare we treat nearly a million Americans this way? The media likes to call these workers pawns in the showdown, but that’s bullshit. At least pawns stay sheltered in a box.

Not so for many Americans. After Trump’s bullshit address calling the southern border a “humanitarian crisis,” Bernie Sanders issued an online rebuttal. During it, he said he personally heard from a federal worker who had $100 left in her checking account; not enough to feed her kids for a week, let alone make a car or rental payment.

Yet not one Democrat has suggested just giving baby his binky, even though they could avoid a political loss of face by allowing Trump to declare a national emergency. They’ve even promised to fight the declaration in court if he were to do so. All the way to the Supreme Court, they vow.

Gosh, I wonder how a GOP-run Supreme Court would rule after months of a shutdown.

Pride apparently forbids giving an inch, even if that inch leaves 800,000 unpaid. That’s larger than the population of five states and the District of Columbia. Would they think that way if an entire state was left out of work?

Maybe they would. Chuck Schumer said last week that Dems would not allow Trump to hold Americans hostage.

Let’s play this out. Say a Mideast country kidnapped 800,000 Americans. And they demanded $10 billion, or they would behead each and every one of the hostages. Would a politician dare say “we do not acquiesce to terrorists demands” and tell the country to go ahead, chop away?Image result for mideast beheadings

Of course not. We’d pay the ransom, get the people back, then bomb the offending country back into the stone age.

The Dems have been offered that metaphorical bomb with Trump’s threat. The emergency declaration puts the border fiasco squarely on his plate — and the plate of Republicans. And Americans get to work. Our government gets to run. Our national parks get to shake their current curse of becoming national toilets.

What more ammunition could Dems ask for in a 2020 election, when a tyrannical president and key GOP Senatorial seats are in jeopardy?

Republicans know this, which is why they’re cautioning President Dullard not to do it. Yet Lisa Murkowski, a GOP senator from Alaska, actually said this on the record:Image result for lisa murkowski with trump

“The real concern that I have is the precedent that this then sets because this border security is Donald Trump’s priority, (and) we don’t know who the next president may be. But it may be a president where their number one priority is dealing with climate change who says ‘I don’t care whether I have support of the Congress, I’m going to direct these funds to address this because I feel like this is a crisis,'”

Why wouldn’t Dems want this precedent set? Why not dare Trump to call one, just to goad him into a boondoggle? If global warming isn’t the true definition of a national emergency, what is? And Murkowski publicly marked her party as the one that doubts science, questions global warming. Trump and his lackeys have offered a gift neatly wrapped and bowed. Yet somehow, Dems are looking that political gift horse straight in the gullet.Image result for gift horse

I get the discomfort of swallowing a bitter pill. I take 16 pills a day for my transplants. Eight of them are bitter as hell. Over 19 years, that’s 55,480 bitter pills. If one doesn’t go down smoothly with water, it’s like sucking on rusted metal, and leaves an aftertaste for  about a minute.

But the greater gain is worth the bitterness. Dems should try swallowing just one.

In addition, they could try this simple exercise, since a brain scan is complicated: Take both hands, and put them on your hips. Then slowly move your hands along your body behind you at the same pace, until your fingers touch.

If you do it right, you’ll find a spine.