Category Archives: The Contrarian

Holy Shit

 

I don’t have a social media account, which not only makes me a dinosaur, but something of a hypocrite. Because I can no more stay away from Trump’s tweets than I can half-off candy.

And this was his latest gumdrop:

Donald J. Trump

The tweet came from, where else, Fox & Friends, the television’s version of Pravda.
The Trumptards had North Dakota Republican Rep. Aaron McWilliams on the program, touting his sponsorship of a bill to support Bible literacy in the classrooms of his state.

In addition, they brayed, five other states are considering similar measures: Missouri, Indiana, West Virginia, Virginia and Florida.That was enough to get Trump’s sausage fingers a flyin.’ Which will, very likely, get his base in other states to demand similar proposals.

Let’s set aside any legal questions, which interest our president as much reading. Let’s also ignore the fact that the U.S. Constitution, in calling for a separation of church and state, does not use the word “God” once in its text.

Instead, let’s frame this proposition from a religious standpoint. Let’s go further: we’ll tackle the issue as believers, giving as much benefit of the doubt as academically feasible. We’ll even accept the good book is not only accurate, but an acceptable role model for our children, just to appease Bible thumpers.

The question, then, is this: which of its literary passages should the kiddos learn? We’ll tackle only the biggest, as the Bible is rife with innumerable inconsistencies, contractions, and historical and scientific inaccuracies within its covers. I guess that’s to be expected, perhaps even accepted, considering it was written by first century illiterate goat shepherds.

First, the ten commandments, namely the one purists love to point to as the moral compass for humanity. Here’s number six:Image result for the ten commandments

Thou shalt not kill.

Seems reasonable enough. But will we redact the chapter where the priestly tribe of the Levites was instructed to punish anyone who insisted on sticking to their pagan idolatry? Image result for tribe of the Levites draw swords

Thus sayeth the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side. and slay ever man, his brother, companion, neighbor.  — Exodus 32:27

Now onto a common theme of the Bible: rape. The Bible’s rules on rape are laid out clearly in Deuteronomy: pay the father of the violated woman, who must marry her rapist — and who will not be free of him until he croaks:Image result for Deuteronomy rape

The third instruction of that list of golden rules says:

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. — Deuteronomy chapter 22.

A shekel of silver is worth $320 in today’s U.S. currency. That’s $16,000 per rape.

It gets better. Old Deuter (sorry, Lebowski) later tosses out the recompense entirely if the rapist is arrested and victim identified:

If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death— the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man’s wife. You must purge the evil from among you. — Deuteronomy verse 29

And I’ll guess we’ll have to omit the 13th Amendment of the Constitution altogether during civics class, because the Bible has a lot to say about slavery, and none of it holy. The Bible describes Timothy as a righteous missionary and good friend friend of the Apostle Paul who warranted his own byline and quote in the good book: 

All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect, so that God’s name and our teaching may not be slandered. — Timothy 6:1

To make the sure point was not lost on the heathens, Paul and Timmy co-wrote this gem: Image result for apostle paul and timothy

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. — Colossians 3:22

One of these days I’m going to quit reading Trump’s twit tweets. I swear to god.

Slick Mitch, the Hypocritical Homophobe

 

That’s it. I’m turning the car around.

I warned you: If you didn’t stop bickering and playing “he’s touching my side of the seat,” I’d call off the trip to Disney. But you persisted. So now it’s off.

Fucking brats.

Fear not. I don’t have kids. I do, however, have a television. And despite our pleas to government leaders to stop arguing over something as inconsequential as a pile of bricks, to bring an adult into the room, we watched as you continued to call each other names — until 800,000 people were forced to work for free or give up their jobs entirely.

But in truth, there is an adult in the room. He just refuses to come out of the closet.

His name is Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr., Kentucky’s senior Senator and the Senate Majority Leader. At least, that’s his job title.

In reality, he is persona non grata. As Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi dominate headlines and news coverage, McConnell is conspicuously absent from media scrutiny. We keep hearing about the stalemate between Democrats and Republicans, yet nothing about the person who essentially serves as the father of Congress in its entirety. While he’s only a hick senator, McConnell somehow has the power to determine if House bills are even introduced to the Senate floor for debate (thanks a bunch, founding fathers).Image result for trump vs. pelosi

That puts the showdown squarely at his feet.

It’s easy (and plausible) to also lay it in front of Trump and Pelosi, who bicker like embittered spouses in a divorce. Yet both have at least attempted to open the government (even if their own agendas drive the attempt). Pelosi has sent two bills to reopen government and debate the wall later. Trump has offered temporary DACA relief for a permanent wall. However empty the offers, they are, at least, offers.

Sure, both are trying to sell the other bridges. But at least they’re feigning what the public (and a majority of Congressional representatives) desire: to give the U.S. government a jump start and revive critical government services.

McConnell isn’t even feigning. His rationale: The president will veto a House bill, so he refuses to bring it to the Senate for debate. That’s like a winless  football team scheduled to play an undefeated one. You’re going to lose anyway, so why even take the field?Image result for friday night lights holding hands

Any coach who proposed such a tactic would have their ass introduced to the door in nanoseconds. Yet McConnell skates unquestioned, even by colleagues who’d like groups like the TSA, Border Patrol and the Food and Drug Administration paid for services rendered. But the only thing McConnell seems capable of hearing is Trump’s zipper, which brings him immediately to his knees, mouth agape.Image result for shutdown let me work sign

How does the cowardice go unchecked? Even the president seems to want a way out, feeling the mounting public resentment of politicians continuing to collect paychecks while their minions remain in indentured servitude (Trump continues to be paid $400,000 a year, while the 579 in Congress still collect $174,000 annually). McConnell, by the way, still brings home a $193,400 paycheck.

That Trump and Pelosi want this argued — even if still ends in stalemate — is patently clear. That McConnell won’t even allow the debate is patently criminal — and an insult to every one of his colleagues.

We in the press need to identify all the culprits, beginning with Sen. jowls. And those in government need to stand up to a deadbeat dad.

Maybe someone could stick this video in one of his neck flaps. Just look what wondrous things can happen when an adult allows a kid to tackle a seemingly impossible task.

 

When the Buzz Saw Hits Bone

 

The media outlet Buzzfeed had to down a plateful of crow today, served up by none other than Robert Mueller.

The meal was unexpected for a couple of reasons. One, Buzzfeed is as much of a news outlet as Scientology is a religion. In fact, they share a similar modus operandi: Both try to attract followers for cash, not enlightenment.

Second, and more startlingly, was the waiter. Mueller tends to treat media reports like fresh turds. He avoids them like he’s walking barefoot.Image result for stern mueller

But his office couldn’t ignore Buzzfeed‘s “bombshell” story last night: Citing two anonymous sources, it said Mueller’s office suspected thug lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen had been ordered to lie to Congress by none other than the president.

In a rare rebuke, Mueller’s office issued an official repudiation. While it did not specifically name the errors in the story, special counsel spokesperson Peter Carr told BuzzFeed its “description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s congressional testimony are not accurate.”

As expected, Buzzfeed stood by its report, calling on Mueller’s office to be specific on the claimed inaccuracies. Even worse, Chris Cuomo, the news anchor at cable TV’s (usually) most unbiased 24/7 news outlet, offered this little editorial nugget, claiming Mueller’s office damaged the already-tarnished view of news media:

“Mueller didn’t do the media any favors tonight and he did do the president one,” Cuomo cawed. “This allows them to say, ‘You can’t believe it, you can’t believe what you read, you can’t believe what you hear, you can only believe us,’” Cuomo then added, ”‘Even the special counsel says that the media doesn’t get it right.’”

With all due respect to Cuomo, CNN and the kids at Buzzfeed: Go fuck yourselves.

To CNN: What’s your message here? That to call us out for inaccuracy is to be the enemy, on the wrong side of a firefight? Our job is to get it right. And when we don’t, or are accused of being wrong, our job is to back up our words with the facts we reported.

Mueller’s job isn’t to do anyone favors. Neither the media nor the president. His job is to get to the truth. Would we even believe his investigation if was doing anyone favors?

And it’s not like Mueller to capriciously refute a media report. For instance, his office said nothing last week when  The New York Times reported that the FBI had opened an investigation into whether Trump was acting as a Russian agent after his firing of James Comey. Was he doing the media a favor then and the president a disfavor? Clearly, his office speaks up when it finds something to be egregiously off.

To Buzzfeed: How can you seriously ask Mueller’s office to provide you with specific details of their claim when you quote unnamed sources? You’re not playing with a double edged sword here; you’re playing with a doubled edged sword with a razor blade handle. Why don’t you man-up behind your story first, and we’ll talk details.

A bit more about Buzzfeed: Here are a few headlines from your edition Saturday. “ 27 Cheap Products To Actually Organize All The Small Stuff/Everything is under $25!” And “12 People Who Posted On Social Media Without Giving A Single F (Featuring savage moms.)” And “34 Genius Products That Will Fix Your Small (But Annoying) Problems/Button extenders that will add an extra 1″ to my waistline? Where were you when I was suffering at Thanksgiving dinner?”

Understand: Every time Buzzfeed does a story on products for sale, it gets a cut of that sale. They admit it with this caveat before each glowing review of a product:  “We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.”

Just because you admit you profit off of (invariably positive) “reviews” of merchandise doesn’t make your story valid. It just makes it an ad, dimwits.

And to Cuomo, whose catch phrase before each newscast is “Let’s get at it.” Ok, let’s.Image result for chris cuomo

Mueller taking a media report to task has the absolute opposite effect of emboldening the president. In fact, it undercuts Trump’s “fake news” mantra and gives credence to Mueller’s investigation (Trump inadvertently praised Mueller by citing the release to bash Buzzfeed‘s story). If Mueller is in no one’s camp — and willing to call a media report inaccurate — it’s tougher to call him biased, let alone a witch hunter.

This speaks to a larger issue: the public distrust of media. No outlet is as critical of the president as this one. We have no problem calling Trump out on everything from outright lies to uneducated misspellings (hamberders?).Image result for trump hamberders

But not at the cost of accuracy. The truth is the only currency we can carry.

And the truth is this: The president is onto something about us, though, predictably, he is ignorantly off-point. America isn’t riddled with fake news. But when outlets make a profit on trending stories and click-bait, it’s riddled with something much worse:

Non news.