Category Archives: Open Letter

Open Letter from Christopher Hitchens’ Heavenly Ghost


Dear Earthbound,

It is often said that faith is a necessary component of the human condition, a crutch upon which we lean in times of uncertainty and despair. But I contend that there is a faith far greater than the ephemeral and often contradictory dogmas that populate the world’s religions—a faith that is not only rational but verifiable. This faith is found in the realms of science and mathematics.

Unlike the parochial and divisive doctrines that demand blind allegiance, science and mathematics offer a universal language, one that transcends culture, ethnicity, and creed. They are the great equalizers, providing a framework through which we can understand the cosmos and our place within it. They are not based on the shifting sands of myth and superstition but on the bedrock of empirical evidence and logical deduction.

Consider the elegance of a mathematical proof or the predictive power of a scientific theory. These are not mere conjectures or the fanciful imaginings of the human mind; they are the distilled essence of centuries of human inquiry and observation. They are the culmination of countless hours of rigorous experimentation and the relentless pursuit of knowledge. In science and mathematics, we find a faith that is earned through toil and scrutiny, not one that is inherited or imposed.

Moreover, this faith is self-correcting. Unlike religious dogmas that resist change and cling to outdated notions, science and mathematics are inherently progressive. They embrace new evidence and are willing to revise their conclusions in light of new data. This is not a weakness but a strength, a testament to their commitment to truth over tradition.

In the natural world, we see the manifestation of this faith in the laws that govern the universe. From the intricate dance of subatomic particles to the majestic expansion of galaxies, the principles of science and mathematics are the threads that weave the tapestry of our reality. They reveal a cosmos that is not chaotic or capricious but ordered and comprehensible.

Yet, this faith does not demand uncritical acceptance. It encourages skepticism and rewards curiosity. It invites us to question, to probe, to seek out the unknown. It is a faith that empowers rather than enslaves, that illuminates rather than obscures.

In embracing science and mathematics, we do not abandon the search for meaning or the quest for transcendence. On the contrary, we elevate it. We find a deeper, more profound sense of wonder in the intricate patterns and profound mysteries of the universe. We glimpse the infinite within the finite, the eternal within the ephemeral.

So let us cast aside the shackles of dogma and superstition and embrace the one true faith that offers not only answers, but the tools to seek them. Let us find solace not in the unchanging edicts of ancient texts but in the dynamic, ever-evolving pursuit of knowledge. For in science and mathematics, we find a faith worthy of our devotion, one that enriches our understanding and ennobles our spirit.

Yours in reason and inquiry,

Hitch

p.s. Good luck finding a smoke here.

Open Letter to a Puppy: Hospital Wards

Baby, what am I going to do with you?

You returned to the emergency room today. You’re beginning to outpace me in hospital trips, a mantle you do not want to hoist, love. 

I’m not sure when it happened, but you bounded to me at the park today, grinning and filthy and hyper from a fresh round of romps. You backed in for a quick booty scratch before returning to the scrum.

And I could feel the blood on your spine.

I grabbed your collar, pushed fingers through your maroon double-coat. The problem with a Chocolate Lab is that when she bleeds, it’s hard to tell the difference between mud and plasma. This wasn’t mud. 

When we massaged your coat to inspect deeper, all the humans gasped: a deep gash, at least two inches wide, raked across your backbone.

You and I hopped in the car as the park watched and returned Charlie home (though I hear his undies were in a twist the whole time at the park: don’t tell him I said anything). I phoned the vet hospital, which saw you for emergency surgery.

You know I’m a wreck when you do this, right?

The vet said you must have carved yourself on a fence or other jutting metal; the tear was not consistent with a bite. He said the wound was recent, no older than a day or two. 

That just made it worse. Did I miss something last night? I’ve gotta be more thorough. 

Now you are home, shaved, stitched, sporting a drainage tube. In three days we’ll remove the tube. In two weeks we’ll remove the stitches. In a month life will be normal. 

But, goddamn, I’m sorry love. 

And, to whatever karmic force is at play here: I am used to your shit. Bring it. But leave her the fuck alone.

Sorry baby, hospital talk stirs the blood, as you’re starting to learn. It’s even got your dad asking stupid questions.

I know exactly what I am going to do with you, Jadie. Be there Every. Single. Time.

Open Letter to A Puppy: Work Zones


My plus twos

It’s rare that bipeds come to the park without their emotional support pups (and what dogs are not?). But you’ve surely noticed the odd goings on there of late. 

Surveyors in yellow hats. Their government trucks parked horizontally over vertical stripes. Cameramen in full gear. Reporters REALLY hoping to not step in something; not in these shoes. 

Don’t worry. None of them are vets. 

No, the humans are here for politics. Politics is what we do we’re not focused on more important things, i.e., you.

The people in helmets are surveilling how much of the park can be cut and how long it can be closed. See, the Summer Olympics are coming here in 2028, and the city wants to look its spiffiest. 

Which means more bike paths. And I hate to tell you guys: They want land from your park. Our petitions didn’t dissuade. Our pressure could not prevent. 

That’s why you see all the cameras and tasty shoes. Reporters want to know what your parents think of that — along with our thoughts on a new Los Angeles ordinance banning backyard breeding (shelters are 210% over capacity).

We’re all pretty united on both fronts: You can bike the street, but a dog already has a scarcity of choices. And Charlie would like a moment in private with his former backyard bait dog owner.

So be extra patient with the unaccompanied majors you see tromping your backyard. They’ve got a job to do, even if it is to pave paradise. Some might even have pups of their own.

But Charlie, feel free to jack a leg on one of those trucks. And, for this time only, any nice shoes dropped on the ground are fair game.