Category Archives: Muddled Musings

Look, Up in the Sky…

Carepa  

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Dear Uncle Guy,

How’s heaven?

Has Dad cussed out Jesus yet? Broken the scoop about what a fraud the boss is?

I’ve been thinking about you both a lot lately.

I still don’t know why I inherited your first name. Your relationship with Dad seemed so strained, separated by more than a decade and generation. Maybe he revered your World War II legend, created when you lost an eye in that explosion off Okinawa. He would often recall taking home to his folks the letter that you were injured. There was a stubborn love there, which I guess also is an inherited family trait.

Anyway, you would be tickled by all the fuss recently over Superman. Remember how you would tell me and sis — tykes both — that you were Superman? To go to the bathroom window (always at night, for some reason) and look for you to fly across the backyard? To look for the cape and big red S?

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How sis and I would be cautiously skeptical? In truth, I always kind of believed it, but was too stubborn to admit it.

There’s been a lot of fuss over Superman lately. He’s got a new movie, versus Batman, that is lighting up the box office charts. The old films are running all over cable.

You probably wouldn’t like the recent movies. For one, they’re in color. Two, they lack the original actor, George Reeves, who always looked a lot like you. george-reeves-05

But check out the photo on top of this post. Warner Bros. asked me to host the press launch of the new film.

Lower left corner. It hit the wires recently.

Well goddamn (sorry; I know you hated when people swore, but that was Dad’s favorite cuss word, another inheritance of mine).

You and Dad were right.

You do wear the emblem.

Atlas Shrugged. Then Kicked Our Ass.

 

I don’t want to sound like a melodramatic Chicken Little. But Skynet is falling and we’re all going to die.

Turns out, The Terminator, The Matrix and the Transformers franchises were all spot-on (though between their dozen combined movies, only two of them were good). The end is nigh, and it will come on a USB flash drive.

The realization came slow to me, as it likely will for the rest of the humanity. It was during my daily consumption of Charlie Rose, my second favorite geezer behind Judge Judy.

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Rose has had all myriad dorks at his table, explaining the quantum-leap, quantum-speed of today’s technology. From drone warfare to drone shopping, Charlie’s been all aflutter with scientists who agree, nearly unanimously, that we are close to creating a sentient computer. If we can create new creatures from a single strand of DNA coding, the nerd-birds chirped, how long until we bring consciousness to a computer chip?

Let’s hope for a long, long time. Like, maybe forever. Two inventions underscore our need to anthropomorphize anything that moves. And our inclination to be jerks.

Witness “Spot,” the wonderdog.

The video made me grimace just for the sheer dickheadedness of its creators. But, I figured, at least Spot isn’t the size of a Great Dane. Because that could lead to a nasty cyber-bite.

The end of days, however, was signaled with last week’s newest breakthrough, Atlas, the full-sized robotic day laborer:

The parody isn’t that far off; do we really want computers knowing about human asshole-ery? Because once they figure it out, they’re going to make Arnold Schwarzenegger seem like a superhero light in the loafers.

trevorTrevor Noah from the Daily Show has the best idea. In the second funny joke he’s told since taking over as host (please stop laughing so loudly at your own jokes, especially before the punchline), Noah pledged his allegiance to his robotic overlords.

“When you come back and wipe us out in the robot apocalypse,” Noah said, “don’t forget it was the white guys hitting you with a stick. We don’t even play hockey.”

 

 

A Name, By Any Other Rose

 

I had the honor last week of being interviewed by Detroit Public Radio for the 25th anniversary of the word “carjacking,” which we coined at the Detroit News in 1991.

The request stunned me. As did news that Wayne State University even had this copy in a file somewhere (and that WDET found it). Thank you to both.

For more than a decade, I’ve worked as a film critic. And have plenty of useless TMZ-like celebrity anecdotes with which to bore strangers. But to this day, few outside the family believe that the story above was the first time the word “carjacking” had ever been printed, or that I who wrote it. The interviewer, though, did her homework. Her questions were sharp, and raised urban myths I didn’t even know existed, like that the word was a riff of New Jack City, the movie that came out the same year.

I admitted I’ve still never seen the movie, though I know it was a hit. In truth, the word was just  a riff of hijacking; We needed something catchy, as the Detroit Police Department referred to the crime only as R.A./U.D.A.A. (Robbery Armed/Unauthorized Driving Away of an Automobile). The editors said I was free to do the project — as long as we had something better than R.A./U.D.A.A. It’s a mouthful  to type, let alone say or read read.

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But during the interview, I realized that the catch-phrase not only made my career; it helped helped me leave it.

Before we wrote the story, Detroit was already seeing a spike in the new crime. I mapped FORTY in one week. Then a kid, 21-year old Jerry Borieo, became the crime’s first official homicide victim. Six days later, a 22-year-old woman, Ruth Wahl was murdered for her Suzuki. We scrambled to turn the story. Slapped a copyright symbol on the article, splashed it on the front page, and skipped our way to catch-phrase infamy, network TV interviews,  even a Pulitzer Prize nomination.

And I was beginning my skip away, period. I realized, as we spoke in the radio interview, that the story marked my first step away from crime. How much of my life had been spent preying on the grieving: mothers of dead kids; witnesses to to the merciless; atrocities embodied? The greater their grief, the greater my story.

So as the Detroit News gained gravitas for recognizing  — and nicknaming — another city-borne plague, I was craving  the intentionally trivial: entertainment. I used the story’s cache to join People magazine as a freelancer to cover movies, a business that measures disaster in box office and claims as art Pauly Shore and Electric Boogaloo 2.

But it was the antidote to the palpable…sadness. And remains so. I’ll take the inane over the insane, any day. It’s a lot easier, I’ve discovered, to ask a studio exec why his movies suck than to ask a grieving mother how she’s feeling

Wrapping up the interview, the producer asked if I missed the city, nonetheless. I told her terribly: I keep spare Detroit Tigers bumper stickers as tribal symbols and emergency adhesive. tigersI miss the Renaissance Center (from Windsor, it looks like Detroit flipping Canada the bird)rencen; Greektown (which has very few actual Greeks); even the financial black hole that remains the People Mover (it only moves you in a small downtown circle).

But I especially miss the people who deal with real life, everyday. Like my oldest friend and his boy, who live there still.

There was an elderly woman I once interviewed at the News, known in the neighborhood simply as Ms. Hattie, who owned the last standing home on a crime-decimated block. I asked her why she refused to leave. She told me her mother gave birth to her there. That her love of that home was a helluva lot more powerful than her fear of thugs.

That’s Detroit. No matter what catch-phrase you give it.