But first, congratulations, Melanie (Donnie copy edited this)! You turned 49 yesterday. Hope it was everything a woman dreams on the edge of a half century. I hear President Globular is even going to take his socks off during your birthday sex.
Now the questions:
Who the hell runs the White House Twitter feed? Apparently, Donnie was hosting some dignitaries Friday in another room when the shot was taken, but THIS is the pic you chose to officially wish Melania a Happy Birthday? You couldn’t find one of her on the crapper?
And what is she doing there, anyway? It’s your birthday, and hubby talked you into celebrating on a couch with paparazzi?
Finally, what did prez get her? My guess is an unsigned paperback copy of The Art of the Deal.
Now for something less distasteful: FactSlaps.
The average U.S. gamer is 35 years old.
China invests more each year in renewable power than any other country on earth.
Iceland and Finland have the lowest infant mortality rate in the world.
Macaulay Culkin was the first child actor to earn $1 million for a movie.
Ta’u island in American Samoa runs on 100% solar energy.
Of the 56 million abortions that take place worldwide every year, 45% are not considered safe by WHO standards.
Sharks are older than trees.
Older fish live longer if fed the feces of younger fish.
I have a rule in writing a film criticism: The entire plot must be reducible to a single sentence. If it takes longer, either you or the filmmaker is slow getting to the point.
I’d advise the same stratagem to the 24/7s and the politicians who love to appear on them. There are, at best, seven interesting points in the Mueller report that weren’t redacted. Both can be explained in two simple paragraphs. Forget where the report stands politically — people made that choice (unencumbered by facts) long ago. But no one has challenged the following findings, so let’s wrap this up and move on to bigger, more pressing issues. We’re flush with ’em.
Citing written notes from then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ chief of staff Jody Hunt, the report said that Trump “slumped back in his chair,” after Sessions informed him of Mueller’s appointment.
“Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m f—–,” Trump said, according to Hunt. “How could you let this happen, Jeff?” he asked, telling the attorney general he had let him down and that he was supposed to protect him. “This is the worst thing that ever happened to me,” Trump said.
Former White House Counsel Don McGahn told investigators that Trump called him on two occasions to tell then-Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein that Mueller had “conflicts” and needed to be removed as special counsel.
McGahn said that he agreed to do it to get off the phone, but that he planned to resign rather than carry out the order. He told former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and adviser Steve Bannon that he planned to quit. Priebus told investigators McGahn didn’t get into specifics, but that Trump had asked him to “do crazy s—.”
‘Lawyers don’t take notes’
Trump later asked McGahn about notes he had taken of their meetings. “Lawyers don’t take notes. I never had a lawyer who took notes,” Trump said, according to the report. McGahn told him he took notes because he’s a “real lawyer” and it is important to create a written record.
“I’ve had a lot of great lawyers, like Roy Cohn. He did not take notes,” Trump said, referring to the controversial attorney who worked for Sen. Joseph McCarthy and who has been described as Trump’s mentor.
Request for Russia to hack Clinton was ‘in jest’
In his written answers to the special counsel, Trump told Mueller that when he said, “Russia if you’re listening” during a July 2016 campaign event and asked Russia to hack into his opponent Hillary Clinton’s emails, he made the comment “in jest and sarcastically, as was apparent to any objective observer.”
But, according to the report, within about five hours of Trump’s request, Russian military intelligence agents “targeted Clinton’s personal office for the first time.” And according to Trump’s former national security adviser Michael Flynn, Trump “repeatedly” asked members of his campaign to track down emails Clinton was believed to have deleted.
Sarah Sanders’ words ‘not founded on anything’
After Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the then-deputy press secretary told reporters during a White House news conference that “the rank and file of the FBI had lost confidence in their director.” She had told reporters the claim was based on statements from “countless members of the FBI.”
But according to the report, when the special counsel’s office asked her about the claim, Sanders said it had been a “slip of the tongue.” She said she made the statement “in the heat of the moment,” and Mueller’s team concluded it “was not founded on anything.”
‘You have friends in high places’
After the FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, Trump reached out to Cohen publicly and privately, telling him to “hang in there” and “stay strong.” Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani set up a “back channel” through another lawyer, Robert Costello, who told Cohen he should “Sleep well tonight … you have friends in high places.”
Cohen told Mueller that he understood that as long as he stayed on message, Trump would take care of him – either with a pardon or by shutting the investigation down.
‘I’ll get the president to send out a positive tweet’
Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recalled a lunch at the White House with Trump and his son-in-law Jared Kushner, where the president asked him to call Comey and “tell him he’s part of the team.” Christie refused. Christie also recalled that Flynn called Kushner during the meeting to complain about something that then-Press Secretary Sean Spicer has said during a news conference.
“You know the president respects you,” Kushner told Flynn, according to Christie. “The president cares about you. I’ll get the president to send out a positive tweet about you later.” Trump then nodded in agreement, Christie said, according to the report.
I’ve sat on the fence too long. You see, it’s a picket one, constructed of splendid splinters. So it’s a bit rough on the ass. But I digress.
I’ve decided to enter my name in the Democratic presidential race. I would have announced more formally than this, but Jack n the Box refused to reserve parking lot space for the press announcement. And after all the lobbying dollars I threw their way…
Anyway, I’m running, joining the other 237 candidates. Unlike those hopefuls, however, I believe in coming out with policy statements immediately out of the gate. And since my likely opponent, Cap’n Bone Spurs, and his evangelical base are so concerned with the candidates’ positions on crotches (why is that, by the way? The GOP lately has been an acronym for Groin of Preference), I figure I better come out with my general positions on people’s dangly bits.
First and foremost: I support the right to genitalia.
In terms of exercising said right: I wholeheartedly support right of choice. In fact, under a Bowlesian administration, only women will have a vote on the abortion issue. If only one gender shoulders the burden of an issue, they should have the right to determine its fate. Until a man can force a bowling ball through his puckered sphincter, we should shut the fuck up on the topic (And let’s be fair: if a proposition arose, say, calling for mandatory circumcision, only men would get to vote on that).
Gay marriage. Last week, Kentucky passed a state law banning bestiality. Really. Last week. It’s not that it’s an absurd law, only that Kentucky yahoos need to be legally told not to fuck Spot. But let’s not go overboard; my administration not only supports gay marriage, but you should have the right to marry the family turtle if the love is there — as long as you have the animal’s written consent.
Beyond the dangly bits, some other campaign planks:
The electoral college: Gone.
Daylight Savings Time: Gone
Political ads on Facebook: Fucking gone.
Gun control: Buy a bazooka if you want. But all gun owners, like car owners, must pass a written and road test if you want to exercise the privilege of ownership. The system would work exactly like auto licensing: You must show proficiency to practice, and paperwork to own. And don’t give me this slippery slope bullshit. Americans haven’t been forced to buy hybrids or electric cars by requiring licensing.
Yet the need has never been greater for licensing. According to the Center for Disease Control, there were 39,773 gun deaths in 2017, the most recent year available, up by more than 1,000 from the year before. Nearly two-thirds were suicides. It was the largest yearly total on record in the C.D.C.’s electronic database, which goes back 50 years, and reflects the sheer number of lives lost. You need to prove you can operate an Acura, but not an AK-14?
Now for matters less contentious, Factslaps:
Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva is a rare genetic disease which causes damaged soft tissue to regrow as bone.
“Stan”, from the Eminem song with the same name, was added to the Oxford English Dictionary, defining it as “an overzealous or obsessive fan of a particular celebrity.”
In Northern Ireland, women earn 3.4% than men on average.
Today’s human population is descended from twice as many women as men. About 80% of women reproduced, whereas only 40% of men did.
4.6 million Americans were severely behind on payments on student loans in 2017.
The average American throws away 70 pounds of clothes a year.
Corporatocracy is a term used to refer to an economic and political system controlled by corporate interests.
Every winter, great white sharks swim for 40 days to meet up between Mexico and Hawaii, and nobody knows why.
