i love the kong ball. it’s just the right size to drive esme insane.
see, her mouth is just BARELY BIG enough to carry the kong, if it’s dry. it’s funny. it has to be heavier than her skull, and she kind of runs with it with a cocked head, like she’s listening for worms.
anyway, i’ve discovered that, when the kong is wet, she can’t carry it. it slips out. rolls a bit. drives her nuts. she’ll start pawing at it, almost angrily. she’ll rise up on her hind legs and punch it with her front paws. stupid ball.
only because i’m a prick, i like to dunk it in the tub before we play. i’ll toss and call her name when she’s trying to pick it up. make her want it badly. ‘eeeeessssmmmmmeeeeeeee.’ ‘where’s the toy, esme?’ ‘boy, i sure wish i had a toy to throw to a dog.’
she goes berserk. sometimes she’ll begin to sprint to the jacuzzi without it. ‘to hell with that. piece of shit ball. i’ll just go up there and get scratched like i never even wanted that dumb…’
and then she will stop in her tracks, dart back to that delicious orb. ‘i can’t quit you, baby. just roll over for mama. stick that divot up in the air for me.’ and she’ll wrestle and wrestle and wrestle. she ain’t leaving.
the ironic thing is, teddy is right there to help. he’ll stand a few feet away and watch the sumo match. ‘i can pick that…ball?… up and take it anywhere you want. i could even take it to dad, cuz he sounds like he reeeeaaaally wants it. oh, and check out the turd i just left. it’s awesome!’
but every every time he gets near the kong, esme lunges, snaps him away.
finally, she gets it in her maw. trots to the tub. she’s panting hard, so it makes her look like she’s smiling. maybe she is. ‘now try hiding in the grass, sumbitch.’
she’s coming up the stars. the kong hits the third stair, rolls out of her mouth. she watches helplessly as it drops underneath the four-step platform to the jacuzzi.
she ain’t panting now, so the smile is gone. now she’s fucked. she’s gotta wedge her globular head in the wood frame, bat at the ball with her noggin (she couldn’t pick her nose with those deformed little legs, let alone reach a under a stair) and hope it rolls out.
20 minutes. i swear, six songs played on itunes before i heard a thump and saw the kong roll out.
she pounces, picks it up without any problem.
i see why. it is caked in mud, dirt, grass, shit and slobber from her brutal courtship.

 
now she’s got it, though. sisyphus at the top of the hill. she places the crap-covered kong precisely on the ledge, grinningpanting with more vigor than before, and stares at me.
‘throw it, motherfucker.’
to the sheer force of will, even in the face of stairs.

VAN NUYS, CA  — A bag of “Fun Size” Funyons was attacked Monday night in an unprovoked late-night raid, authorities said. There were no survivors.

The Funyons were resting in a three-shelf cupboard at Chez Dander in Van Nuys’ white enclave of Lake Balboa, according to authorities.

Dander guard Esme Bowles says the assault happened about 10 p.m. Monday. She says she was farting on a leather sofa when she heard the rustle of plastic in the kitchen.

“It sounded like food,” Bowles says. “Human food.”

She ran to the kitchen but found only remnants of the seige.

“It was a massacre,” she says. “There were crumbs everywhere. It smelled like processed onions, trans fat and weed.”

Bowles says she confiscated the crumbs and sent them to her bowels for testing.

Authorities have narrowed the suspect to a white male seen playing iPad pinball in the area and stinking of Frito Lay, and a yellow dog seen stinking of everything else.

Though no one has been taken into custody, “we’re pretty sure we know where he sleeps,” Bowles says of the human suspect. She says authorities conducted a “full urinalysis” on a dining room rug, but would not elaborate.

Another Dander guard, Teddy Bowles (no relation, Esme Bowles insists), says investigators are stymied. He was in the living room working a genital-licking case, but says he would would assist in the investigation.

“Funyons come in bags!” he says.