Sitting in an empty house with a dog from the Mexican Circus! O Daisy, embrace is my only pleasure. Holding and hugging my friends. Education. A wave of eucalyptus. Warm granite. These are the things I have in my heart. Heart and skills, there’s nothing else.
I usually don’t like small dogs but you like midwestern women take over the air. You leap into the air and pivot a diver going up! You are known to open the fridge and eat when you wish you can roll down car windows and step out you know when to get off the elevator.
I always wanted to be a dog but I hesitated for I thought they lacked certain skills. Now I want to be a dog.
Technically, I guess it’s Esme with the problem. Lately, she’s been bringing baby possums into the house. She’s like a possum hoarder.
Perhaps it’s that the babies look like her fur toys. Maybe it’s her maternal instinct. Whatever the reason, she’s been taking to bringing them into my living room and just leaving the curled rat lookalikes in my living room, curled, apparently dead but not really. So far, she’s ferried three indoors.
Initially, I was horrified by what I thought was a rodent problem. The last thing I need is a rat cousin dropping by with its diseases and inquisitiveness and appetite.
But then I began doing a little research, and now I just feel sorry for the little guys, which are most likely young ones who lost their grip on mom. I learned they’re not rodent at all, but pouch-equipped animals much like the kangaroo and koala bear.
What’s more, I learned that ‘playing possum’ is a misnomer. Turns out possums aren’t faking being unconscious; they really slip into mini-comas when they’re stressed or startled. They get what genteel Southern belles used to call ‘the vapors;’ they literally faint, sometimes for hours. And sure enough, after carrying the babies outside with a garden shovel and watching them through my patio door, I’d see them gently rouse from their comas and sluggishly walk into the darkness.
Now I can’t help but like the little guys. I mean, what a short stick they seemingly drew in the Darwin lottery. If your irresistible inclination is to faint when you’re approached by a predator, you’d think you wouldn’t be long for existence. But my assumptions were way off. In that spirit, this week’s Factslaps concern my new favorite marsupial:
AN OFFENSIVE ODOR SELLS THE POSSUM’S PERFORMANCE.
When they fall into a coma, a possum lays unconscious with its mouth open, teeth bared and tongue out. But a picture of a possum fainted doesn’t really do it justice. To get the full experience, you need to be standing over to it to smell the putrid odor it emits when pretending to be a corpse. The smelly substance it secretes from its anus is just one more reason for foxes and bobcats to look for their dinner elsewhere.
THEY SLOW THE SPREAD OF LYME DISEASE.
Even if possums aren’t the cutest creatures in the forest, they should be a welcome addition to your backyard. Unlike other mammals that carry ticks, and therefore spread Lyme Disease, possums gobble up 90 percent of the ticks that attach to them. According to the National Wildlife Federation, a single possum consumes 5,000 of the parasites per tick season. That means the more possums that are in your area, the fewer ticks you’ll encounter.
THEIR MEMORIES ARE SURPRISINGLY SHARP.
Possums have impressive memories—at least when it comes to food. Researchers found that possums are better at remembering which runway led to a tasty treat than rats, cats, dogs, and pigs. They can also recall the smell of toxic substances up to a year after trying them.
THEY’RE IMMUNE TO MOST SNAKE VENOM.
While most animals look at a snake and see danger, a possum sees its next meal. The animals are immune to the venom of nearly every type of snake found in their native range, the one exception being the coral snake. Possums take advantage of this adaptation by chowing down on snakes on a regular basis. Researchers have been trying to harvest possums’ antivenom powers for decades. A few years ago, a team of scientists made progress on this front when they recreated a peptide found in possums and and found that mice given the peptide and rattlesnake venom were successfully protected from the venom’s harmful effects.
THEY ALMOST NEVER GET RABIES.
While possums aren’t totally immune to rabies (a few cases have been documented), finding a specimen with the disease is extremely unlikely. Marsupials like possums have a lower body temperature than the placental mammals that dominate North America—in other words, their bodies don’t provide a suitable environment for the virus.
THEIR TAIL ACTS AS A FIFTH APPENDAGE.
Possums are one of a handful of animals with prehensile tails. These appendages are sometimes used as an extra arm: They can carry grass and leaves for building nests or grip the sides of trees to provide extra stability while climbing. Baby possums can even use their tails to hang from branches upside down as they’re often depicted doing in cartoons. But it’s a myth that possums sleep this way: Their tails are only strong enough to hold them for a short amount of time.
THEY’RE CONSTANTLY SELF-GROOMING.
Thanks to their whole acting-and-smelling-like-a-corpse routine, opossums aren’t known as the most sanitary animals in nature. But they take cleanliness seriously: The Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife writes that possums, like house cats, use their tongue and paws to groom themselves frequently and thoroughly. Possums largely lack sweat glands, and this behavior is believed to help them cool down. It also has the added effect of rendering them odorless (when they’re not secreting stinky predator-repellent, that is).
THEIR EYES AREN’T TOTALLY BLACK.
One of the opossum’s most recognizable features is its pair of opaque eyes. Opossum eyes do have whites and irises, but because their pupils are so large, their eyes appear completely black from a distance. The exaggerated pupil dilation is thought to help the nocturnal animals see after the sun goes down.
THEY’RE SOCIAL CREATURES.
It was long assumed that possums like to keep to themselves, but a study published in the journal Biology Letters suggests they have a social side. Researchers at the Federal University of Pernambuco in Recife, Brazil observed some possums in captivity sharing dens even if they weren’t mates. In one case, 13 white-eared opossums of various age groups were cohabiting the same space. The scientists suspect that male and female possums living in the wild may even build nests together as a way to trigger the female’s reproductive hormones.
Who says humans have the collective wit of inbred gorillas?
Well, I have, to be honest. But while I was on my human’s computer last week (I log on when he’s away to write crank letters to Cat Fancy magazine), I came across a story I had trouble believing: The primates in Congress passed a bipartisan bill.
And what drew the embittered parties in the together? The House passed a law making it a felony to eat cats and dogs. Seriously.
The bill, called the Dog and Cat Meal Trade Prohibition Act, would make it illegal to “knowingly slaughter, transport, possess, buy, sell or donate dogs or cats or their parts for human consumption.” Violators would be fined up to $5,000.
At first, I was elated. That creepy neighbor down the street eyes me like a roasted suckling pig every time I pass.
But the more I read, the more horrified I became. The article went on to note that eating dogs and cats is legal in 44 states.
What the fuck, people? We spend millennia guarding your homes, guiding your blind, pee-hydrating your petunias, allowing you to watch us crap in public, and this is your gratitude? Promising not to sell McYorkies?
Then I got to thinking: What other ludicrous laws have you hominid dummies left on the books? This is just a sample:
22. Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina)
21. Chickens are not allowed to cross the road (Quitman, Georgia)
20. If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison (Arizona)
19. Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio)
18. It’s illegal to sell your eyeballs (Texas)
17. It’s against the law to sing off-key (North Carolina)
16. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
15. You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia)
14. Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah)
13. Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
12. It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico)
11. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama) Not sure if that’s bear-on-bear or man-in-bear.
10. You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)
9 .You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday (Washington)
8. It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana)
7. In San Antonio, flirting is against the law (Texas)
6. It’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (Idaho)
5. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)
4. If you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up (Arizona)
3. If you have a mustache, it’s illegal for you to kiss a woman (Eureka, Nevada)
2. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Waynesboro, Virginia)
1. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington)
I’m hopeful the Senate will approve the bill and the president will act immediately (after all, he appears to like canines: He got nearly all the way through Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors.
Still, you never know with the Senate. I’m guessing the bill will stall when Mitch McConnell demands that turtles be added to the list.