Category Archives: Fang & Claw

Open Letter To A Puppy: When The Levee Breaks


My murmurations,

You may have noticed dad walking more gingerly than usual lately.

Fret not: It’s not the weed, and your father is sober(ish). The 420 has been 86’d, and the evening wine is on sunset, replaced with aspirin and Tylenol.

See, I took a fall. A serious one. One that fractured four vertebrae and busted a couple ribs.

Doctors are still looking for reasons why. They think it followed a seizure, which they also are investigating. It may be the result of 23 years of immunosuppressants, 44 years of diabetes, a lifetime of brazen recklessness or just plain-old aging, which your old man has down pat.

I just didn’t want you to think I was going to the dog park without you. I would never do that. That place sucks without you. Kind of like all places without you.

It came out of the blue, during lunch with some of the bipedal animals of the dog park. One minute, I’m ordering overpriced french fries and a diet Coke. The next, I’m looking up at EMTs who tell me they’re taking me to the hospital.

You were right all along. What silliness, to ambulate upright, with your vital organs exposed, vulnerable, and your noggin so far above the ground. Did you know your nose experiences time slower than your toes? It’s true; just ask Einstein.

But I’m guessing you’re not interested in theoretical physicists. You’re interested in the parade of nurses at our door, who force you to share an oversized crate or unkempt office (and don’t think I haven’t noticed your Internet history at Barkbox and Chewy.com).

No, they are here to check on the vertical fractures of T6 through T9 of the thoracic spine, draw some blood, take some pulses, show me how to properly lift anything under two pounds. I don’t mention that your bag of kibble is 15 times their recommendations. And there’s not much to do about the ribs except wince.

But as I said, fret not. Life for you will not change — unless the power goes out again or we’re ordered to evacuate Los Angeles in this monsoon. Even then, we’ll just share closer quarters.

Speaking of which , you have surely noticed the pillows and mats on the living room floor, too. You’re welcome to join pops on the new bed.

Don’t worry: I’ll never ask you to catch me when I fall. But I do ask that you slobber and dander the hell out of me when I faceplant. It helps me rise more than you will ever know, more than any painkiller, more than any yoga positioning.

So scooch over and settle in. We’re on a new adventure.

The Language of Love

Teddy & Esme, where Patience met Trust.

Some dogs can understand 250 words.

Dogs are humankind’s best friend, and the canine ability to understand human words has gone a long way to solidify that world-changing relationship. According to the American Psychological Association, the average dog can understand 165 words, and “super dogs” — those in the top 20% of canine intellect — can understand around 250 words. Dog intelligence can be divided into three main types: instinctive (what the dog is bred to do), adaptive (what a dog learns from its environment), and working/obedience (what a dog is trained to do). Research into the levels of working/obedience intelligence in various dog breeds shows that border collies displayed the highest levels, followed by poodles, German shepherds, and golden retrievers. With the ability to also understand simple math (1+1 = 2, for example), these “super dogs” have an estimated cognitive ability of 2- to 2.5-year-old humans.

Although 250 words is already impressive, it’s by no means the absolute limit. The Einstein of the dog world is a border collie named Chaser. According to the journal Behavioural Processes, Chaser had the ability to recall and correctly identify 1,022 words. This far exceeds the vocabulary of any known dog, and pushes Chaser into the cognitive ability range of a 3-year-old. Now, that’s an extremely good girl.