I don’t know about yours, but the voice in the back of my head can be a real asshole.

You should eat eat better, it scolds.
You could exercise more, it reminds.
You blew that, it laments.
They’re not gonna like you — or it, it predicts.
Are you going to take that personal affront? it demands to know (it also has an ego, temper and pettiness).

The Voice In The Back Of Your Head is always chanting a variation of a one-note tune: You could do better. It taunts me for my fears and weaknesses — with my fears and weaknesses.

Ask yourself: If your VITBOYH were a person, would you be friends on Facebook with that person? Befriend that person? Would you advise a relative to?

I’m not sure I would, which is a problem. Because there is no evicting a VITBOYH. Consider it your Dark Matter Twin, with permanent squatters right. A roommate who has read all your emails, talked shit about you, but can never be ratted out to the landlord because YOUR name is on the lease.

So I’m taking a new approach. I’m trying to befriend the voice in the back of my head. After all, it may be an incessant nag, but it says it to my face and truly wants what is best for me. All VITBOYHs deserve at least that much benefit of the doubt.

The first step of the Internal Witness Protection Program is choosing a pseudonym. I keep landing on Wilbur. I think of an impulsive, frightened, judgmental soul when I think of a Wilbur, which photocopies my darkest insecurities. Plus I like the “will burr” imagery.

That first step is important. It takes the voice from inside your skull and places it into an external headspace, if you will. It’s a lot easier to say “Wilbur is being an insufferable ass today” than concede that I am. But any name works, including “Vit Boy.”

Next is giving it a face. This, too, is important. I recommend positive imagery for this one, because here is where we begin to change the tenor of the narrative. Perhaps a child or parent. I picture Jadie.

Finally, the voice. This is the critical part.

Listen to what your Vit Boy is saying. Picture the words coming coming from your beloved’s mouth. What is the tone of that message?

When I do it right, Wilbur is a lot more patient with me than I am. Supportive, too. He’s more likely to say You tried your damndest before Your best didn’t do.

Funny what putting a kind face does to a thing.

More importantly, I’m finding a Wilbur to be honest — in a constructive way. He admits there are only two things that a Voice In The Back Of Your Head can tell you: What you know to be true; and what you want to be true.

When I do it right, I can tell that difference, too.

Now if he’d just quit telling me to buy so many goddamned magic tricks.