I can’t stand the heat. I must confess.

I wrote the anonymous New York Times op-ed piece.

It wasn’t for the shitbird that is Donald Trump. It wasn’t for the raft of felony convictions among his political support beams. It wasn’t for that red tie that droops beneath his scrotum sac. It wasn’t his tendency  to spit his dentures out when he tries to say “The United Schtates of Amirka.” It wasn’t for his 20 months of grammatical genocide; the guy is the Hitler syntax.

No, I felt compelled pen the note after John McCain died, and Pumpkinhead sent this tweet: “My deepest sympathies and respect go out to the family of Senator. Our hearts and prayers are with you!”

And apparently your tactlessness. Who includes an exclamation point in a sympathy note? That’s like a condolence card adorned with a cartoon duck. Sad.

Getting into the White House was a piece of cake; I hand-wrote on the back of a Post-It Note “Donald has the best words,” and waltzed past security.

To get into classified meetings, I needed a disguise of a “senior official.” Fortunately, Kellyanne Conway masks are a snap to make: Just picture a face smashed by another horse’s face (ever wonder why you’ve never seen a picture of them both together?).Drop a couple of Mike Pence’s “lodestar” references to throw them off the trail (lodestar 1.noun:A star that is used to guide the course of a ship, especially Polaris.)

And in less scurrilous news, Factslaps, comrade bitches

• Benjamin Franklin invented a mechanical arm for reaching books on high shelves. 
• At least an hour of physical activity a day may be required to offset the harmful effects of sitting at a desk for 8 hours.
• The Twister game was originally called Pretzel. 
• A 2018 law in France allows citizens to make mistakes in good faith on documents without being punished.
• The Matrix took five years to write. 
• It would cost about $140 a year if you ate ramen for every meal. 
• U2 singer Bono’s stage name comes from the Latin term “Bono Vox” which means “Good Voice.”